Relationship Goals for Couples: Shared Goals to Grow Together
Relationship goals are things you can set as a couple to take care of your relationship. You can use them to spend more time with your partner, divide up chores, resolve conflicts, or even achieve goals together.
It doesn’t have to be something huge. You can always talk to one another, have a better division of chores, or find something you want to help each other accomplish. The main idea is that your partner knows what the goal is and can help decide what you want.
You don’t want everything to be similar. There are things you may want to do that your partner doesn’t, and that’s okay. Just make sure you have goals that benefit each other.
I think having relationship goals is most useful when it’s not adding yet another standard that each person has to meet, but when these goals make everyday life easier for each person.
What are relationship goals for couples?
Relationship goals are something you and your partner can take action toward. They allow both of you to express what you would like from your relationship.
“I want us to be closer” is a desire that you may share with your partner. “Let’s spend quality time doing something we both enjoy once a week” can be a goal that you both can accomplish together.
“I don’t want to fight as much” could be a desire. A goal may be to take a break from arguing if one of you gets too worked up and come back at a specified time.
Having a goal with your partner is different from telling your partner to do something. When you tell your partner to do something, they are not allowed to express their opinion. If you set a goal together, you can communicate your opinion and work together to see if you want to take that action.
There are many ways you can build a relationship without having goals. Setting goals with your partner can be helpful when you want to change something. It can allow you and your partner to revisit those goals and see if they are still applicable.Couples do not need a formal list of goals to have a meaningful relationship. Goals can be useful when partners want to make a change but are unsure where to begin. They can also help couples check whether a plan still works as their lives change.
Why can shared goals help?
By setting a goal, you and your partner can communicate what you need from each other. Instead of saying, “I want my partner to support me more,” you can express what actions you would like to see. Having goals can also allow you to know if your goal is working.
While we don’t know for sure what works best, here is some information we can learn from research. There was a study that followed 148 heterosexual married or cohabiting couples. Over the course of one year, they studied the communication and support between partners who worked on goals. Couples that worked on communicating and supporting each other were able to achieve their goals, which allowed them to have higher levels of life satisfaction. This study was done over the course of one year, so we don’t know if the coordination will continue to produce these results. Here is a link to the study on Goal Coordination in Romantic Relationships.
One study looked at the benefits of autonomy and relatedness. They conducted three studies that showed when individuals reported higher levels of relatedness, they were more likely to respond in healthy ways within their relationship. These studies did not look at goal setting with your partner but can show us that when you and your partner are close to each other, you may benefit from having goals. Here is the research on Autonomy and Relatedness.
When you set a goal with your partner, you want to make sure it will benefit your relationship and allow you to be yourself. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your friends or goals to meet your partner’s. Learn more about being independent in your relationship.
Healthy relationship goals to consider
Depending on your situation, you may have different goals in mind. Below are some ideas that can help guide you and your partner.
Make conversations easier
If you and your partner tend to talk about certain topics when you’re tired, maybe you can work on finding a better time to speak about those topics. You can also decide to implement some rules when speaking to each other, such as listening to what your partner has to say before you respond. You want to open the opportunity for both partners to express themselves.
Share everyday responsibilities
Chores can be stressful if one partner is doing all the work. Create a list of household chores that need to be done. Decide what you and your partner can split between yourselves. You may want to consider how long each task takes instead of how many tasks each person does.
Spend more time together
Maybe you and your partner want to spend more time together but have different ideas on how to do that. One may enjoy doing something active while the other enjoys relaxing at home. Decide what you each enjoy and pick one that you can do together.
Argue less
Set a goal to not call each other names or mention past arguments when you’re arguing. If one of you needs to walk away from the argument, set a time that you can come back to the issue. Just make sure your partner knows you are walking away to cool off and not to ignore the problem.
Encourage each other’s goals
Help each other reach their goals, whether that’s hobbies, spending time with friends, learning something new, or working toward their job. Set a goal that you can both spend time on your individual goals and work on your shared goals.
Work on a goal together
Whether it’s traveling to a new location, fixing your house, or saving for something, set a goal that you and your partner can work on together. Decide on how you will accomplish that goal. Make sure both partners know what they can and can’t spend on the goal.
Setting goals with your partner that both enjoy
Before you set a goal with your partner, you need to know what each other wants. Don’t jump into a goal that you already have in mind and expect your partner to go along with it. By following these steps, you can create goals that you both enjoy.
1. Talk about what is going well
Tell your partner one thing that you enjoy about your relationship. It could be something you do for each other or something that recently happened.
2. Describe one thing you would like to change
Tell your partner one thing you would like to see change about your relationship. Try to phrase it in a positive light. “I want more quality time with you after work” instead of “you are on your phone too much.” This will help prevent your partner from feeling attacked and starting an argument about who is wrong.
Once you tell your partner what you would like to see change, ask them what they would like to see change. Listen to why your partner wants that change. Your partner may want to spend more time with you because they feel disconnected. You may want to spend less time with them because you feel exhausted. Knowing why your partner wants the change can allow you to work together to create a plan that fits both of you.
3. Find something that you both want to see change.
Your answers may not be the same, and that’s okay. Ask each other what you hope will change when you accomplish this goal. You may realize that you both want to spend more time together but just have different ways of wanting to do that.
If you can’t find something that you both want, find a small goal that will help each of you with what you want to see change.
4. Make your goal actionable.
Once you know what you want to see change, make a goal that you can both accomplish. “Be more caring” can be a hard goal to follow because you may not both know what that looks like. “When we get home from work, I want to hear about your day before we discuss chores.”
Here are some tips to help make your goal actionable.
- What are you going to do?
- When will you do it?
- When will you evaluate if it’s working?
5. Keep the first step manageable
A goal should fit your current time, energy, and responsibilities. If it feels like another burden, make it smaller. You can always build on it later.
Use this simple planning guide:
| Planning question | Example answer |
|---|---|
| What do we both want? | More relaxed time together |
| What will each of us do? | Take turns choosing one low-cost activity |
| When will we try it? | Twice this month |
| When will we review it? | At the end of the month |
Use the example as a model, not a rule. The details should reflect what both partners want and what they can realistically do.
A relationship goal in practice
Say you want to spend more time with your partner. Your partner may want to relax after work. If you both think of these as mutually exclusive, then you may argue about which one you should do.
Maybe your partner would enjoy hearing what the other needs. The person who wants to spend more time together may like to just talk with their partner. Someone who wants to relax after work may want some time to themselves before talking to their partner. This will allow you to gain more insight than arguing about how many nights a week you should spend with each other.
Try doing something relaxing on Saturdays once or twice a month. Both of you can pick an activity and alternate weeks. Maybe you make breakfast together or go for a walk. Check in with each other in a few weeks and see how it’s going. Maybe you need to find another time to spend together, or maybe just doing something quieter works better.
Find something that you both agree to do. See if it works for you and your partner. If it doesn’t, you can always adjust the goal.
What Can I Do to Help My Partner Reach Their Goals?
Always ask your partner what you can do to help. Some people like hands-on help with reaching their goals. Maybe you can take care of some of their duties while they are studying. Others may want you to cheer them on or just allow them time to work towards their goal.
Here are some questions you can ask your partner:
- “What can I do to help?”
- “Do you want help, advice, or someone to listen to you?”
- “Is there anything you need from me this week?”
- “Do you want me to check in, or will you let me know when you’re done?”
Remember, you aren’t helping your partner reach their goal. They should be the one making decisions about how they reach their goal. Help them, but don’t do it all for them or constantly remind them of it.
It’s okay to discuss your goals with your partner if it affects your time together. Whether it’s money or time that you both have to give to each other, it’s best to discuss it and come up with a solution. You don’t have to neglect your own needs to help your partner.
How Often Should You Check in With Your Partner About Goals?
Depending on the goal you want to set, you can check in weekly, once a month, or even more than once. You never know when you’ll reach a conclusion with a goal.
Check in with yourself and your partner about the goal you’ve decided to work on.
- How is it going?
- What’s difficult about this?
- Do we still want to accomplish this goal?
- What can we do differently?
Don’t feel as if you’re failing as a couple because you didn’t reach the goal. Maybe you didn’t reach the goal because it was too ambitious, or maybe you both realized this isn’t something you want to work on anymore.
What should couples do if their goals change?
Let your partner know that you no longer want to work on your goal. There could be many reasons why you don’t want to reach that goal anymore. Life happens, and sometimes things change. Ask yourself if you still want to accomplish that goal.
If you both still want to accomplish that goal, try to work on doing the goal at a different time or in a different way. If you don’t want to accomplish that goal, tell your partner and maybe come up with another goal to work on together.
There are some goals that you may not agree on with your partner. These could take a long time to work out, and maybe you’ll never come to a conclusion. Find a licensed marriage counselor that can help you both communicate.
Goals to help you in your relationship
Depending on what stage your relationship is in, you can implement these goals. Each stage will require different levels of responsibility.
Dating couples
Depending on what stage your relationship is in, you can implement these goals. Each stage will require different levels of responsibility.
Couples who live together
If you are living with your partner, you may want to set goals around household responsibilities, money, personal time, friends, or anything else that may come up in your daily lives. Have a conversation about what each of you thinks is fair and have a plan. If you find that it isn’t working, you can always re-evaluate your goals.
Married or long-term couples
You may want to set goals around family, money, careers, health, etc. If you know that something will take away from your relationship, you can always set a goal to maintain your relationship. Or maybe your relationship goal is to reach a certain goal as a team. Make sure to reevaluate your goals and see if they are still beneficial to you and your partner.
These are just some goals that may apply to you and your relationship. Not every couple is at the same stage or wants the same things. Take what you can use and leave what you can’t.
Common mistakes to avoid
Setting too many goals at once
Having too many goals can become overwhelming. Pick one goal that you can work on. Once you reach that goal, you can revisit your other goals.
Using a goal to criticize a partner
Don’t use your goals to attack your partner. If your goal is something that you both agreed on, you can revisit why your goal isn’t working. But don’t point fingers.
Goals that aren’t for your partner
Maybe you have a goal in mind, but your partner doesn’t want to do it. Ask your partner why they don’t want to. There may be something you can do to help achieve that goal, or you can pick another goal.
Making a goal too vague
Have a conversation with your partner about what your goal could look like in your day-to-day lives. Then pick one thing you can start with.
Assuming your partner knows what you need
Your partner may not know how to help you. Talk to them about what you would like them to do for you and ask them to do the same.
Keeping your independence
Just because you’re in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to have the same interests as your partner. Have a goal that allows you to pursue your interests as well.
FAQs about relationship goals
What are relationship goals for couples?
Goals for couples are something you can both work on to improve your relationship. Have a goal that is broad enough to describe what you want and something you can both act on.
What are examples of healthy relationship goals?
Some goals for couples could include talking to each other more, setting goals to divide responsibilities fairly, spending time together doing an activity, or having a conversation about conflict.
How do you know what goals to set for your relationship?
You can sit down with your partner and ask what one thing you want to change. From there, you can pick a goal that benefits both of you and make a plan.
Should you and your partner have the same goals?
No, you should both have goals that you enjoy. When you both want to achieve something that affects the two of you, you can discuss your goals and support one another.
How do I support my partner’s goals?
You can ask your partner what they need help with. You can help them with their goals without trying to control the situation.
What should couples do if their goals change?
Revisit your goals and see what isn’t working for you. Maybe your goal isn’t for you anymore, or you want to set a different goal. That’s okay.
How often should you check on your goals?
It depends on your goal. Some may want to check on their goal every week. Others may check on their goals once a month.
Key Takeaways
- Set goals that you and your partner both want to accomplish.
- Make the first step easy to accomplish.
- Help your partner with their goals.
- Reevaluate your goals when necessary.
Related resource: His Secret Obsession is designed for women. This article contains affiliate links. If you buy through us, we may receive a commission.
Conclusion
Having goals in your relationship can benefit you and your partner. Pick a goal that you both want to reach. Once you’ve picked your goal, have a plan of action. After that, see how your goal feels and make any changes.
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