What Does Healthy Independence in a Relationship Look Like? Examples and Simple Scripts
Having healthy independence in a relationship means you can still maintain closeness with your significant other but also have time for yourself. You still allow your relationship to play a role in your life: checking on them, caring for them, and making decisions that will benefit both of you.
Sometimes that line can be difficult to decipher. Someone may want to see their partner more than they are able to have alone time. Having separate time to do things you enjoy can be exciting to one person and worrisome to another. Neither one of those is wrong, but maybe it’s time to discuss your boundaries of space.
No amount of hours you have apart from each other will make a perfect relationship. It’s about having a healthy relationship with someone that allows you to be yourself, knowing that you’re there for each other and can spend time together.
A personal note: I believe a healthy relationship should leave room for both people to keep growing as individuals. Asking for time alone does not have to mean rejection, and wanting closeness does not make someone needy. Both needs deserve a kind, honest conversation.
Key takeaways
- Being healthy with your independence allows you to have things that you enjoy as well as time with each other.
- Having time away from each other doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about each other.
- Don’t use independence as an excuse to not help each other out or be open with each other.
- Discuss how much time you spend apart and what each of you needs from the relationship. There’s no wrong answer when it comes to these things.
- Balance will fluctuate, so just make sure to check in with each other.
What does healthy independence in a relationship mean?
Healthy independence does not mean that you never let others know what you are up to, or that you will not allow anyone to help you with anything.
Healthy independence can coexist with “I am my own person” and “my relationship is important to me.” You can love spending time with your partner and still want to go out with your friends that night. You can make a career decision that only pertains to you and still discuss it with your partner.
Researchers in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy examined how autonomy can play a role in relationship happiness in two studies. The findings were based on self-reported autonomy and relationship satisfaction in long-term relationships. So, there isn’t research to support that being independent will make your relationship happier, but we can learn that feeling independent in your relationship could play a role. And it’s something your partner and you can discuss.
What does healthy independence look like day to day?
Your independence will likely look normal. One partner may attend their weekly activity and the other may use that time to do something they enjoy. They can both have friends outside of their relationship but find time to be together and reconnect.
You can also be independently healthy if you:
- Stay interested in your hobbies. You don’t have to continue a hobby just to prove you can do things on your own.
- Have others to lean on. Friends and family can also fill that role.
- Make some decisions for yourself. What you read, what you wear, what you learn or want to learn about. Decisions that pertain to your relationship should still be discussed.
- Give and receive privacy. Everyone has things they may want to think about privately. Just don’t use privacy to your advantage and withhold information.
- Need help from your partner. Just because you can do something doesn’t mean you shouldn’t ask for help. “I had a rough day today; can we talk?”
- Allow your partner to grow. Maybe they want to achieve something that you aren’t involved in. Let them know that you’re happy for them.
Everyone will have overlapping aspects of life with their partner, whether that be friends, schedule, finances, children, or chores. Just make sure you aren’t losing yourself in that.
Healthy independence versus possible emotional distance
The table below is a conversation aid, not a test. One behavior on its own cannot tell you what a relationship means. Look at the wider pattern and talk about how it affects both of you.
| Healthy independence may look like | Possible distance to discuss |
|---|---|
| Making separate plans and reconnecting afterward | Avoiding most shared time without explaining why |
| Keeping friends and interests outside the relationship | Treating a partner’s bids for connection as an annoyance |
| Making personal choices while discussing decisions that affect both people | Making major shared decisions alone |
| Asking for time alone and saying when you expect to reconnect | Disappearing or refusing to communicate about a repeated concern |
| Giving support while respecting each other’s limits | Saying “I handle everything myself” when a partner offers reasonable support |
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Optional resource: If you want to learn more about Relationship Rewrite, you can check out the program here. I’m not sure what results you will receive from this, so please look into the information yourself.
Examples of healthy independence in a relationship
You make room for separate interests
Hobbies. Your partner may enjoy playing a sport while you enjoy taking a class. Just because you don’t have common hobbies doesn’t mean you won’t care about what the other person enjoys. Show interest and allow them to do what they love.
As long as you’re not putting each other down about your hobbies, or feeling like your hobby will cause your partner to be unhappy, then you are healthy and independent.
You have your own friendships
Friends. Everyone should have people they can talk to outside of their relationship. You want others around that can provide you companionship, as well as allow your partner to not feel like they have to fulfill all your needs.
Of course, you shouldn’t be hiding your friends from your partner, or not honoring what you’ve agreed to. If you feel that your friends may be crossing a line, discuss with your partner what that line may be. Don’t tell them you’re not allowed to have friends.
You can take time alone without making it a threat
Yourself. There are some people who like to spend time alone. Some may prefer to spend time with others. There is nothing wrong with either. Just communicate what you need to your partner.
“I want to take some time to relax tonight. I’m not angry at you, but I’d love to see you tomorrow for dinner.”
You talk about decisions that affect both people
You. You can decide what you want to do with your free time. But if you have money that you share with your partner, or if you have children and make a decision about them, you should still talk to your partner about these decisions.
Ask yourself: will this only affect me or will it affect my relationship as well? If it affects both of you, then maybe discuss it with your partner.
How much independence is too much?
There is no magic number for how many nights you should spend away from your partner, how many times you should text each other, or how many activities you should do on your own. Everyone will be different when it comes to their relationship.
Ask yourself if your situation works for you and your partner. Here are some questions to help you figure that out:
- Is your partner able to ask for more time with you? Or do you get offended when they try?
- Are you honoring your commitments to your relationship?
- Do you still care about your partner’s life?
- Can you depend on your partner when you need them?
- Are you distancing yourself from your relationship or taking time for yourself?
- Is your schedule causing you or your partner to feel neglected?
If your partner wants to spend more time with you, they are not necessarily clingy. And if you want to spend more time alone, they are not checking out. Learn what your partner’s needs may be.
Maybe they want to feel closer to you or spend more quality time together. Find something that works for both of you. Maybe it’s one night a week you allow each other to do whatever you want, and the other you spend time together. You could always text each other if your plans change that night.
How is independence different from emotional distance?
If your partner is healthy and independent, they will still want to be with you. But if they are constantly not wanting to connect with you, hiding things from you, or not caring about things that happen to you, then they may be distancing themselves from you.
Try not to mind-read your partner. But are they shutting you out of conversations? Not discussing things with you that will affect both of you? Not sharing what’s been going on in their life? If you continue to reach out to your partner and they don’t want to connect with you,
Tell your partner what you’ve noticed. Instead of telling them they’re too independent, tell them you would like to spend more time talking to them. Maybe come up with a day you can talk about things that week.
According to the American Psychological Association, you should spend time talking to each other, and not just about things that need to be done. So, remember to chat with your partner. Autonomy in Relatedness: How Need Fulfillment Interacts in Close Relationships
Simple scripts for talking about independence
Use these scripts to help open up the topic. Adjust the wording to fit your situation. Allow your partner time to process what you’ve said.
When you want time to yourself
“I value spending time with you. I also value having some time to myself. I’d like to take the evening for myself. Would you like to do something together tomorrow?”
When you want to spend more time together
“I’ve been missing spending time with you. Let’s pick one night this week to go to dinner or do an activity we both enjoy.”
Discussing the need for time together vs. time apart
“I enjoy having some nights out with friends, but I want to make sure we continue to make time for each other. How do you feel about our schedule this month?”
Discussing your expectations around texts
“I feel like we text at different frequencies. I don’t want us to be constantly texting, but it would be nice to have an expectation. Let’s discuss what we can both live with.”
Here are more tips for creating a rhythm that you both can live with.
Setting a boundary
“I’m willing to have this conversation, but let’s not call each other names. If either one of us becomes upset, we will take a break from this conversation and revisit later.”
Learn how to communicate your boundaries here.
Discussing a decision you need to make that affects your partner
“I would like to make this decision for myself, but I understand that it could impact us. Let’s discuss the logistics before I make a decision.”
While having these conversations calmly won’t ensure that your partner agrees with your decision, it will allow you to communicate what is important to you and not put the responsibility on your partner to guess what you want. Hear them out as well. They may be struggling with not having enough time alone. They may be afraid that you won’t include them in things or that you aren’t sharing household duties equally.
Can doing everything alone interfere with support or trust?
Yes, if you are always choosing to be independent, it can prevent you from receiving help from your partner. Perhaps you’re used to solving your problems on your own. Your partner may not understand that and think you don’t want them in your life. Constantly relying on your partner to solve problems for you can take away your autonomy as well. Practice asking for help when you need it.
By stating, “I don’t need you to solve this. Can you just listen to me?” Or “Let’s figure this bill out together. I want us to both understand what’s going on.”
If you are working on rebuilding trust with your ex, this can be tricky. Trust requires open communication and consistency. Always wanting to know where your partner is and reading all of their messages doesn’t build trust. Not discussing what happened in the past doesn’t build trust either. Try to communicate what you need from one another. Build some ground rules that you both agree to follow. Read our tips for rebuilding trust with your ex.
If your partner threatens you, spies on you, isolates you, or punishes you when you try to be independent, seek help from someone you trust or find a local resource near you. You deserve to make your own decisions.
What if you and your partner want different amounts of independence?
Try to get specific with your request. “I never get time alone” and “you never have time for me” aren’t helpful.
Try these questions:
- What do you need when you have time together?
- What do you need when you have time apart?
- Are there any shared duties or events that we should stick with?
- What can we do differently for the next two weeks?
- When will we revisit how we feel?
There are going to be some things you will not agree on. It’s about coming to a solution that works for both parties. If you find that you continue to argue about the same thing, it may be beneficial to speak with a couples counselor. They can help both partners learn to communicate better and resolve conflicts, according to the American Psychological Association. Trust and Communication in Couples
Frequently asked questions
Will my relationship be better if I am more independent?
Having time to yourself can help you maintain your identity in a relationship. Researchers found a correlation between people reporting that they were autonomous and feeling satisfied with their relationship. This doesn’t mean that you need to be more independent to have a healthy relationship. There is no exact formula.
How can I balance my time alone and time with my partner?
Communicate what you need from one another. You may both already have events or activities you spend time on. Create a schedule that works for both of you and check back in after a certain amount of time.
Does wanting time to yourself mean you don’t love your partner?
No. If you want an evening to yourself or have a hobby that you do alone, it doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. It’s all about how you act towards your partner as well. Are you spending time together and showing them that you care?
Can you be too independent in a relationship?
Someone can become too distant from their partner, causing them to not have any type of relationship with you. But if your partner has expressed that you are too independent, don’t assume that’s true. Try to understand why they feel that way.
Does being independent hurt your relationship?
Your partner may feel as if you are excluding them from your life by not asking for help or involving them in your problems. You can always communicate what you need from them.
Can you rebuild trust with your ex and be independent?
Yes, you can rebuild trust and have boundaries with your ex. Try to communicate what you need from each other and come to agreements that you can both stand by.
A relationship can make room for both of you
It’s not about who can go without the other more. You can both be yourselves and know what your needs are, as well as each other’s. This involves having time apart, caring about each other’s decisions, asking for help, and allowing them to ask for help from you.
Once you find where you both are not on the same page, have that one conversation. Ask each other what you need and try to make one change that will better your situation. Continue to reassess your relationship as things change.
A personal note: You don’t need to get everything 50/50 right away. It may take some talking and allowing each other to grow into a relationship. You can love someone and still have time for yourself. I hope you both have time for those things.
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