How to Stop Arguing in a Relationship: 8 Ways to Break the Cycle

How to Stop Arguing in a Relationship: If your relationship constantly argues about the same thing, there may come a time when you feel hopeless about things ever changing. Both of you may love each other and your relationship but not know how to communicate about troubling issues.

Here are 8 ways to stop arguing with your partner. Stopping arguments in a relationship doesn’t mean you will never argue again; it means learning how to break the argument cycle long enough to hear each other out. Figure out what the problem is and how you can fix it. Here are some tips that can help you with this situation.

A note for you: If you’re reading this after another argument, you may feel tired, hurt, or unsure where to begin. You don’t have to solve everything tonight. If it feels safe, take a little time to settle, then choose one thing you’d like your partner to understand. You deserve a conversation where both people have room to speak and be heard.

Key takeaways

• Only mention one issue at hand, not everything that has happened.
• Talk about what you need from the situation, don’t attack each other.
• Step away if one of you cannot take time to hear each other out. Make sure you have a plan to come back.
• Once you have argued, tell them how it affected you and one thing you’re going to do about it.
• If you’re constantly arguing and it involves fear, threats, control, etc., it’s not something to learn how to talk about.

Why do couples keep having the same arguments?

What you see may not be all that’s going on. It could be something deeper, like not feeling heard, a lack of time, or uncommunicated expectations. This doesn’t mean you should assume what they may be feeling, but it can open up more questions to dig deeper into what’s causing your arguments.

You can also have the same argument over and over if you don’t come to a conclusion about what steps to take next. Maybe you both apologize and forget about it until you have the same argument a week later.

Maybe your significant other is upset that you leave dishes in the sink. “You never do any chores!” “I’m always picking at you!” And the dishes are still sitting in the sink with no conclusion on who will do them and when. You can try to work out your argument and come to a conclusion on who will do dishes and when.

There are many reasons why conflict occurs; it does not mean that your relationship is unhealthy. The Gottman Institute’s overview of conflict discusses conflict as a normal part of relationships and emphasizes how partners manage it.

A small shift can change the direction of an argument

Affiliate disclosure: This article contains an affiliate link. If you buy through it, I may earn a commission at no extra cost to you.

When the cycle continues	A more useful direction
“You never help around here.”	“I’m feeling overwhelmed by the chores. Can we agree on who handles the dishes this week?”
“You’re too sensitive.”	“I see this affected you. Can you help me understand what felt hurtful?”
Repeating the same complaint	Name one issue and agree on one next step

If you’re exploring relationship resources, you can review the Relationship Rewrite program information and decide for yourself whether it feels relevant.

How to Stop Arguing in a Relationship: 8 Practical Steps

1. Notice the cycle before you respond

When you realize the conversation is escalating into an argument, someone starts yelling or goes silent. Perhaps you both bring up past grievances.

Identifying the pattern allows you to not focus on who is in the wrong.

Hypothetical script: “I feel like we’re doing that again. Can we stop and talk about what we want out of this conversation?”

2. Bring up one issue at a time

Attempting to resolve multiple issues can make it harder to find a resolution for each one. Stick to what you’re arguing about today. If you come across another topic, write it down and tell your partner you want to discuss it later.

Hypothetical script: “I want to focus on what we’re doing this Saturday. We can talk about money after.”

3. Describe what happened and make a clear request

When saying something like “you don’t care,” you’re labeling your partner as a bad person. Try to state what occurred and what you want.

Hypothetical example: If your partner didn’t let you know they were coming home late, you could say: “When you don’t inform me you’re late, I feel like I’m waiting around for you. Please text me next time your plans change.”

Stating what you need allows your partner to hear what you’re asking. They may not want to give you that, but at least you’re having the conversation.

4. Listen to understand before preparing your reply

You don’t have to agree with what your partner is saying. Try to hear what they have to say and reiterate it to them to make sure you’re understanding correctly.

Hypothetical script: “I hear that you’re upset because I didn’t include you when I made plans.”

Then tell them how you feel. “I understand how you feel. I also want to express how I was feeling.”

The American Psychological Association’s relationship guidance offers advice on having healthy relationships and communicating with each other in a positive way. When couples argue, they often yell, insult each other, and walk away from conversations.

5. Take a break when the argument gets heated

Sometimes it’s best to step away from an argument. This is good if both parties are too emotional to hear what the other has to say. Just remember to take a break, not walk away.

Let your partner know when you’ll be back. Studies show 20 minutes can be beneficial, but it could take more or less time for you and your partner.

Hypothetical script: “I want to resolve this, but I’m too emotional to hear you out right now. Can we break and speak at 7?”

If you need more time, tell your partner. Don’t leave them hanging.

6. Use a repair attempt when the conversation slips

There are many ways to repair a conversation. You can apologize, ask to restart the conversation, or tell your partner they took your comment the wrong way.

Hypothetical script: “I’m sorry that came out harsh. Let me rephrase that.”

You can also repair while maintaining your stance. “I still want to discuss our plans, but I’m sorry I said you weren’t considerate.”

7. Look for a practical agreement, not a perfect verdict

Maybe you can’t agree on everything; that’s okay. See if there is a middle ground you can both work with.

Hypothetical example: One partner wants to know if their significant other is inviting people over. Their significant other doesn’t want to have to ask every time they want to see friends. They can agree to communicate if there are people staying over. If that doesn’t work, they can revisit that conversation in the future.

For more help expressing limits clearly, see this guide to setting boundaries in a relationship.

8. Reconnect after the argument

After the dust has settled, see if your original issue needs to be discussed. You can talk about what you both learned and what to do in the future.

Some questions you can ask:

• “Do you feel like we cleared everything up?”
• “What else did you feel that I may have missed?”
• “What can we both do to prevent this from happening in the future?”

You don’t have to brush it under the rug, but you do want to reconnect as a couple.

When do frequent arguments point to a deeper problem?

It’s best to speak with someone trained to help with this situation if you are constantly arguing with your partner. There is also an article that talks about when to seek help if you and your partner are continuously arguing.

If you and your partner are frequently fighting, it could be something more than just arguing. If there are any instances of fear, threats, intimidation, hurting your partner, or sexual assault, please see the following link. The Centers for Disease Control explains the types of abuse and the effects they can have on your relationship.

Links are below if you are located in the US and need assistance. 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) is a phone number you can call, or you can text “START” to 88788. If your life is in imminent danger, please call 911. If it is not safe to use this device, reach out in a manner that is safe for you.

If you and your partner argue frequently, there are some things you can do to resolve your arguments. Couples counseling may not be helpful if your partner is scary or if you are afraid of them. Here is an article from the University of Missouri-St. Louis about when couples counseling is helpful.

Can couples counseling help partners who argue often?

You may be able to speak to a counselor and learn how to better communicate with your partner about recurring problems. Couples counseling will not fix your relationship, but it may be beneficial if you and your partner speak to someone you trust.

If your partner will not go with you to a counselor, there are things you can do on your own. Speak to a professional and learn what steps you can take. You can’t control what your partner does, but you can help yourself.

What if one partner refuses to talk about the conflict?

Ask them to speak with you about the issue at another time.

Hypothetical script: “I don’t want you to respond to me right now, but I would like to speak about this. Could we set aside 20 minutes tomorrow to discuss our problem?”

If they are not ready to speak with you about the issue, ask when you can follow up with them. If they continue to not want to speak to you about important topics, maybe it’s time to evaluate your relationship.

FAQ

How do you stop arguing in a relationship?

Take a time-out when you feel like the argument is escalating. Focus on one issue and state the behavior/problem you are having. Listen to your partner, make a request, and figure out what you will do next.

Why do couples always argue about the same thing?

Maybe you didn’t come to a resolution on the issue or didn’t know what to do about the problem. Ask each other what the problem is and what they will do to help.

Is it okay to take a time-out from arguing?

Taking a time-out can be helpful if you and your partner agree to come back and discuss the issue. Let them know why you are taking a time-out and when you’ll be available to speak. Don’t threaten your partner when you take a time-out.

How do you argue without being mean?

Focus on what happened and how you felt about the situation. State what you would like your partner to do differently, and don’t insult them or say they always/never do something. If either party is scared, focus on keeping each other safe.

What to do after an argument?

Once you and your partner are calm, speak to each other about anything that was hurtful. Listen to your partner’s concerns and figure out what you will both do to resolve the issue. You don’t have to agree on everything to love each other.

When should you and your partner seek help?

Speak to a professional if you and your partner continue to argue about things. You may need help if you can’t resolve the arguments that keep happening between you and your partner.

What if my partner doesn’t want to speak about the issue?

Let them know when you would like to speak about the problem and why it is important to you. Speak to a professional if they continue to not want to speak with you about the issue.

Conclusion

Learning how to stop arguing in a relationship can take some practice from you and your partner. Take a time-out if necessary and focus on one problem at a time. Make a request to your partner and listen to what they may not know you know. Once you’re done taking a time-out, speak about your problem and figure out what you can do to move forward.

Remember that you don’t have to solve all of your arguments in one sitting. Just try to communicate safely with your partner.

One last note: It will take some time to break a habit of arguing. Just because a conversation got heated does not mean you did something wrong. There are things that you can do to help the situation. Maybe you stopped yourself from getting into an argument quicker or were able to communicate better. Remember that you only have control over yourself and the other person will need to make changes as well. If you feel threatened please seek help from those around you or helplines.