Romantic Obsession: Signs, Meaning, and How to Cope

Romantic Obsession can be used to describe obsessive thoughts about another person. You may start to feel like it’s taking over your life or negatively impacting your health. Just because you have these thoughts doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or dangerous. It’s what those thoughts lead you to do that can make you harmful.

Here we will discuss what this term means and the difference between having feelings for someone and when it’s starting to affect your mental health, and what you can do to help yourself.

Again, this is just information and not meant to diagnose anyone or replace medical advice from a professional.

A personal reflection: I think we should all be compassionate towards each other if we have these feelings. You’re not a bad person, but there are things you should and shouldn’t do when it comes to others.

Key Takeaways

• Obsessing over someone doesn’t mean you will act on those feelings.
• If you find yourself constantly checking on them or reaching out to them, or not doing things you normally would do, then your obsession may be affecting you.
• You can care about someone while still understanding their boundaries.
• Reach out to someone you trust or a therapist if you need help figuring out your next steps.

What Does “Romantic Obsession” Mean?

This is more of an umbrella term. It could be used to describe any thoughts, hopes, or worries about someone that are consuming you. It can be someone you’re with or an ex. It can even be someone you barely know or someone who doesn’t like you back.

Having feelings for someone isn’t bad. Maybe you’re missing your partner or anxious about your new relationship. Maybe you have a crush that you keep thinking about. When these thoughts start to become uncontrollable and cause distress, or if it’s interfering with your daily life, that’s when it can become concerning.

Try to distinguish between your feelings and actions. You may not always be able to control what thoughts you have, but you can control if you reach out to that person or continue stalking them on social media. Reach out for help. You deserve empathy, and they deserve boundaries.

Romantic Obsession vs. a Strong Crush or Limerence

There’s no definitive way to know if you’re crushing on someone or if you have limerence/are obsessing over someone. Many people use the term limerence to describe having intrusive thoughts and wanting that person to want them back.

Experience	What it may feel like	A useful question
Strong crush	Excitement, attraction, daydreaming, or nervousness, while you can still focus on other parts of life	Can I make space for my routines and the other person’s choices?
Limerence	Intense longing or preoccupation, sometimes heightened by uncertainty about the other person’s feelings	Is uncertainty keeping me caught in a cycle of hope and worry?
Fixation affecting wellbeing	Repeated thoughts or actions feel hard to pause and interfere with daily life or another person’s boundaries	What is this pattern costing me, and what support would help?

These descriptions can overlap. They are not a diagnostic checklist, and they cannot tell you what is happening clinically.

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Signs Your Obsession May Be Impacting Your Life

Having an obsessive day doesn’t mean that something is wrong. It all depends on the pattern and how it’s affecting you and others.

Possible signs include:

• You have thoughts throughout your day that disrupt what you are doing, whether it be working, sleeping, eating, having fun, or talking to someone.
• Checking to see if they’ve done anything, maybe refreshing their profile, re-reading texts, or looking for information to see who they’re with. Checking causes you to feel worse.
• You continue to want to reach out to them, sending multiple texts, calling from other numbers, or wanting to meet up with them after they haven’t responded.
• They control how you feel. They didn’t respond quickly enough, or you saw them with another person, and that ruined your day.
• Neglecting other areas of your life: friends, family, jobs, school, etc.
• You cannot accept what they have told you. Perhaps they told you no, they broke up with you, or don’t want to speak to you. You’re digging for why.

For example, Priya wants to check her ex’s profile. She checks and can’t stop re-reading his posts. She ends up spending an hour checking and isn’t able to finish a task she needs to do at work. We aren’t saying that Priya has an issue or diagnosing her, just an example of how it can affect your day, and maybe you could benefit from interrupting that cycle.

Try not to shame yourself if you see any of these examples in your life. What is going on around this behavior? You check someone’s social media, and it relieves your anxiety for a moment, but you want to check again. Become aware of the cycle and try to do something else.

Our article about how to stop checking your ex’s social media may help if you find yourself constantly checking. Or, if your obsession may be due to relationship anxiety, check out our article about that.

Why These Feelings May Develop

I don’t think there could be many reasons why someone may become obsessed with another person they have feelings for, whether it’s from a breakup, a relationship that isn’t defined, unrequited love, loneliness, or just going through changes in your life. When you are feeling stressed out, isolated, or need more comfort from someone, it can be hard to redirect your focus.

There could also be an element of uncertainty. Maybe someone will reach out to you and then go silent for weeks. We may find ourselves analyzing certain situations or going over moments in our heads. I think it’s important to remember that social-media activity, a delayed reply, or a remembered conversation alone can’t tell us another person’s motives.

Past trauma or experiences with relationships can play a factor as well. This doesn’t mean you are stuck in this pattern or that there is one cause for your feelings. There can be many things that contribute to this. Speak to a mental health professional if you’d like to learn more about what may be causing your feelings.

Knowing what can cause someone to become obsessed can be beneficial. However, it does not justify continuing to reach out to someone that doesn’t want you in their life. And you don’t have to help someone else get over you before you can work on yourself.

Learn more about breakup grief if this may be due to someone you recently broke up with.

How Romantic Obsession Can Affect Wellbeing and Relationships

It can be exhausting to constantly be thinking about someone. You may not be sleeping or able to focus on your daily tasks. Feeling depressed or anxious are also common. You may start to live your life based on if this person responds to you, what they post, or if you run into them.

This can also affect your other relationships. Maybe your friends are the only people you talk to about this person, or you’ve cut them off because you feel embarrassed. You may not be able to finish tasks at work or school. And of course, this person you’re obsessing over may feel uncomfortable if you continue to reach out or stalk them.

Everyone is different, so you’ll have to judge for yourself. What is happening in your life that is different than before? Are you sleeping, eating, and taking care of yourself? Do you respect the other person’s no? Can you go about your day and make plans that don’t involve this person?

Reach out for help if you feel like your obsession is taking over your life. You don’t have to wait until it’s uncontrollable.

What You Can Do: Practical Steps for Managing Thoughts, Setting Boundaries, and Getting Support

Here are some steps you can take to manage your thoughts, create boundaries, and reach out for help.

• Acknowledge your thought. “I’m thinking that I should check what they’re doing.” Once you identify that you’re having the thought, you can decide what to do next. You don’t have to fight the thought or dwell on it.
• Interrupt your behavior. Mute or unfollow someone’s social media page. Put your phone somewhere that you won’t be able to access. Give yourself a time when you won’t check. Here is a script you can use: “I’m having the urge to check. I will sit here for x amount of time and focus on [activity].” Pick something you enjoy doing and do that instead.
• Set a boundary with yourself. If someone hasn’t responded to you, broke up with you, or doesn’t want to talk to you, don’t continue to text or reach out by other means. If someone tells you they don’t want to talk to you, don’t send them a last goodbye or tell them you respect their boundaries. Just don’t contact them.
• If you feel the need to communicate with someone and they haven’t told you not to talk to you, you can say, “I know you need some space, and I will respect that and not reach out to you anymore.” If they tell you not to contact them, don’t reach out to them. Check out our article about setting boundaries if you would like more examples.
• Focus on other areas of your life. Find one or two things that you can do that don’t include this person. It can be as simple as eating a meal, texting a friend, or going to class. Just try to focus on something that isn’t them.
• Reach out to a friend or loved one. Find someone that you trust that will listen to you and hold you accountable. You can tell them, “I’ve been thinking about [person], and it’s affecting my life. Can you talk to me and not judge me?” Ask them to help you with your urge to check.
• Look for your patterns and figure out what you can do next. Write down what triggers these thoughts and what you did after. Try to limit your focus on gathering information about this person. Think of one thing you can change and how you can get support to do that.

Use these scripts as guidelines and remember to seek help from a mental health professional if needed. Even if you’ve already reached out to this person multiple times, you can always stop and not contact them again.

When to Seek Professional Help

If you feel like your thoughts are becoming too difficult to process or are impacting your quality of life, you may want to speak with a professional. There is no harm in reaching out, even if you don’t know what your “issue” is or if you have a diagnosis.

Someone who is trained can speak with you about what may be going on and what options you may have. The National Institute of Mental Health discusses how therapy can allow individuals to process and overcome negative emotions, thoughts, and behaviors.

If you need assistance finding help, SAMHSA has a locator for those in need of treatment. Keep in mind you will want to look at cost/insurance and location, as well as finding someone that you feel comfortable with.

“I can’t seem to control my thoughts about my relationship; can we work on that?” You can always offer to assist someone in finding someone to talk to or making that initial phone call. Just remember that it should be up to them.

If you or someone you know is in danger, please call 911. If you or someone you know is feeling suicidal or distressed, call or text 988. This is the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline here in the US.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is Romantic Obsession Love?

Love can feel similar to romantic obsession. You may miss someone or feel vulnerable and anxious about losing them. However, you should also have a sense of balance and happiness in your life outside of that relationship. Intense emotions do not dictate if a relationship is right or wrong. How you treat yourself and the other is important, as well as being able to accept their decision.

What is Romantic Obsession?

As mentioned earlier, romantic obsession is not a diagnosis. According to the American Psychiatric Association, the DSM-5-TR outlines how to classify mental illness. This term by itself cannot be used to diagnose you or someone else. Speak to a professional if you feel this applies to you.

Will my feelings go away?

Your feelings can go away or change. There is no timeline for when this will happen. Distance from your trigger can be helpful. Establishing new habits and speaking to someone that you trust can also help. It can take some time to learn how to react to these thoughts. Don’t be discouraged if you have a bad day.

How can I help someone that is obsessively fixated on me or another individual?

Speak to them and let them know that you are not laughing or judging them. “I know that must be tough. Do you want to talk about it, or would you like help finding someone that can assist you?” Remind them to take care of themselves and others by keeping boundaries. Do not help them stalk or harass the person they are obsessing over. If you feel someone is in danger, please act accordingly.

One thing I hope you take away: Remember that you don’t have to hate yourself or fix everything overnight. Take one small step that benefits you and the other person.

Conclusion

While romantic obsession may help some describe their feelings, it shouldn’t be something you label yourself with. Remember to limit the time you spend thinking about someone and continue to live your life. Reach out if you feel you need more help.

Reach out to someone and let them know what has been going on.

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