How to Overcome Insecurity in a Relationship: 7 Practical Steps

Insecurity in a relationship has a way of making the mundane feel loaded with potential problems. Your partner not texting you back right away or changing plans may seem like a red flag that they don’t care about you. Comparing yourself to others or seeking reassurance from them are all signs of insecurity.

Just because you feel insecure does not mean there is something wrong with your relationship. There could be something causing you to feel insecure about yourself or your partner. However, if there are constant lies or other forms of disrespect, it’s not something you should overlook.

Stop and figure out why you feel insecure. Distinguish between true insecurities and false insecurities and decide on an action plan.

Quick answer: Insecurity in relationships can be caused by past trauma, or lack of confidence in yourself or your partner. Determine what’s making you feel this way. Figure out if your feelings are justified or false and decide on an action plan. If someone continues to lie to you or disrespect you, take that seriously.

Key Takeaways

• There are many reasons why you may feel insecure in your relationship.
• When you start to feel worried, take a moment to recognize what caused your insecurity. Identify what’s fact and what isn’t, then decide what to do.
• Express your feelings and what you need from your relationship. Make sure your requests are reasonable.
• Learn to trust yourself and continue to live your life outside of your relationship.
• If your partner continues to lie to you or disrespects you, it’s not insecurity.
• If you are always worrying about your relationship, it may be time to seek counseling.

What Does Insecurity in a Relationship Look Like?

You may constantly worry about whether your partner still cares about you or if the relationship will last. Here are some examples of what insecurity looks like.

• You constantly ask your partner to reassure you that they love you or want to be with you.
• If your partner is moody or doesn’t do something, you assume they don’t care about you.
• You compare yourself to other people in your partner’s life.
• You overanalyze conversations and the way your partner spoke to you.
• Check your phone and/or social media for any suspicious activity.
• You don’t tell your partner what you need because you’re afraid they’ll get mad.

Everyone will have moments where they feel insecure. If it starts to consume you and impact your day-to-day life, it may be something you need to work on. For more on ongoing relationship worry, read our guide to relationship anxiety.

A personal reflection: Remember, everyone gets insecure from time to time. It’s not something that makes you crazy or high maintenance. Recognize why you may be feeling that way and learn to overcome it.

Why Do I Feel Insecure in My Relationship?

If you were lied to or cheated on in a past relationship, you may always be looking for signs that your current partner may hurt you. If you lack self-esteem, you may not believe that you are deserving of someone who loves you. Someone may also have an anxious attachment, which can cause you to feel insecure.

There could be different expectations in your relationship. Maybe your partner expects more communication than you do or vice versa. It’s always best to communicate with your partner about what you both need from each other. Check out our tips on how to communicate with your partner.

Your partner’s actions may cause you to feel insecure as well. If they don’t communicate with you or keep breaking promises, you may begin to lose trust in your partner. There are steps you can take to gain confidence in your relationship, but it’s not all on you if your partner is continuously doing these things.

How Can I Tell the Difference Between Insecurity and a Real Relationship Problem?

Do this when you feel that anxious feeling:

1. Identify what set off the anxiety: What was happening right before you got worried?
2. List the facts: Things you can factually say happened.
3. Identify the fear: What story you’re making up about those facts.
4. Determine your next move: Do nothing and wait. Ask them a simple question. Speak about this if it’s become a trend. Reach out to someone who can help you.

Maybe your partner has not responded to you in a few hours.

• Fact: My spouse has not responded to me.
• Fear: They no longer care about me and want to break up.
• Next move: Nothing. Maybe give them more time. Speak with them if this is a recurring theme that makes you uncomfortable. What type of communication will make you both happy?

If your partner is continuing to give you false information, this may be something to speak about with them. If you have noticed a trend in your relationship where they are being dishonest.

There are many things you should watch for in a relationship. According to womenshealth.gov, there are signs of abuse, such as watching or isolating your partner, threats, and abuse. The CDC states that intimate partner violence includes physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression.

You may not always be in a bad situation just because you feel a certain way. Assess the situation and your comfort level with your safety. Reach out to someone you trust if you feel unsafe or contact your local resources. If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911.

How Do I Deal With Insecurity in a Relationship?

Here are some tips to help with anxiety but still keep you mindful of potential red flags.

1. Name the feeling and its trigger

Take a minute and figure out what your emotion is. Jealousy? Feeling left out? Rejected? Humiliated? Scared? Once you label your emotion, think about what occurred right before that emotion took place.

Example: “My partner was hanging out with friends from work. I felt an uneasy feeling in my stomach and began to think that they were going to meet someone.”

Labeling what you are feeling can allow you to figure out if you need reassurance or need to calm down.

2. Separate facts from fears

We tend to overthink things when we feel anxious and come up with the worst-case scenario. List out what you know to be true and what you fear to be true.

Fact: My partner has not responded back to me.
Fear: They don’t care about me anymore.
Other possibilities: There are many reasons why they may not have responded. They could be busy, driving, at work, away from their phone.

Don’t jump to conclusions and believe everything is perfect. Just remember not to jump to conclusions that may not be factual. If this continues to be a problem, you should speak to your partner about it.

3. Pause before reacting

When you are feeling extremely emotional, you may text your partner other multiple messages, accuse them of something, or try to distance yourself to see if they notice. Breathe slowly and take a walk or write out what you want to say before taking any actions.

4. Talk about your feelings without blame

Let your partner know what happened and what you need from them. Give an “I” statement that you feel your partner can understand.

Script: I feel insecure when we don’t speak to each other for extended periods of time. I know this may come from insecurities that I have and I don’t want to place that on you, but I feel that we need to communicate better.

5. Let your partner know you need reassurance

There’s nothing wrong with wanting reassurance from your significant other. Just make sure you let them know what you need instead of trying to hint at it or by pushing your partner to test if they care about you.

Script: “I’ve been feeling anxious lately and just need some reassurance from you. When you have time, can you let me know how you feel about us?”

Keep in mind if you continue to feel anxious after getting reassurance from your partner you may need to dig deeper into what is causing you to feel this way.

6. Build self-trust and maintain your own interests

Spend time with your friends, do things you enjoy and take time for yourself. This will allow you to feel confident in yourself and know that you love your significant other but love yourself as well. See our guide to healthy independence in a relationship.

7. Agree on boundaries and expectations

There are certain topics you may need to address with your partner. Whether it be your partner changing plans, how much they text, social media or friendships. Having boundaries will allow you to know what you need from your partner and what you will do to help yourself feel secure. For more on trust, read how to build trust in a relationship.

How Can I Stop Overthinking and Needing Constant Reassurance?

You will not be able to prevent all thoughts from coming, but here are some steps you can take:

• Pause: Do not react when your anxiety is high.
• Acknowledge that you’re having the thought, “My boyfriend doesn’t care about me anymore.”
• Ask what facts you have. What do you not know?
• Choose one action: Ask him directly or talk about this pattern if it’s been recurring.

Try putting your phone down for 20 minutes before you check to see if he replied. Fill that time by doing an activity that you enjoy or talking to a friend. This isn’t to punish yourself for needing comfort, but to build other forms of comfort.

How Can I Talk to My Partner About Feeling Insecure?

Pick a time when your significant other is not in a rush or in an argument. Let them know what happened and how it made you feel and what you want to address. Do not start out with “You never pay attention to me” or “I know you don’t care.” These types of comments will cause them to get defensive about you blaming them instead of focusing on the issue.

Here’s a script to use if there is a legitimate concern.
“I noticed that you told me one thing, and I found out that wasn’t true. It made me feel like I couldn’t trust you. Can we discuss this further and come to an agreement on how we will fix this?”

Pay attention to how your significant other responds to you. Do they take you seriously and follow through? Our guide to emotional intimacy in a relationship has more ideas for sharing feelings and listening well.

What Can a Partner Do to Help With Relationship Insecurity?

Your partner can listen to your concerns and respond in a caring manner. They should be able to communicate with you and provide you with some type of reassurance that is reasonable. If your significant other changes plans, they can inform you of that so you are not confused. Trust can be earned back once your partner has shown you that they are open and honest with you.

Providing your partner with reassurance does not mean you have to answer the same questions over and over again. It also doesn’t mean you should give up your private life. Everyone should have a level of autonomy in their relationship and be comfortable with the boundaries they set. Learn more about having healthy boundaries in your relationship.

Can Insecurity Ruin a Relationship?

Your insecurities can destroy your relationship if you continue to accuse your partner of things. If you are always demanding proof of certain things or find yourself checking on your partner and isolating yourself, these behaviors can damage your relationship over time.

Having insecurities doesn’t always mean your relationship will fail. There are times when you can overcome your insecurities by speaking to your partner and coming to reasonable terms with each other. Make sure that your insecurities aren’t stemming from your relationship. If your partner continues to lie to you and break agreements, you should not feel insecure about questioning their truthfulness.

When Should I Seek Counseling for Relationship Insecurity?

You should speak with a licensed professional if your insecurities are impacting your everyday life. Such as sleeping, working with others and having fun. If you continue to overthink situations or find yourself checking on your partner and are unable to stop you may want to see a counselor.

You can go to individual counseling to learn why you may feel this way and gain control of those anxieties. Couples counseling is helpful if both parties feel comfortable in their relationship.

If your partner is intimidating you or coercing you into doing something please reach out to someone privately before you speak with your partner. The US office on women’s health provides information on emotional and verbal abuse.

A personal reflection: What I think can help people is knowing that you can gain assurance from your partner and yourself. By asking your partner for reassurance and finding out the truth, you can see if they are truthful with you in the long run.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is insecurity normal in a relationship?

Yes everyone will feel insecure at some point in their relationship. If you continue to feel anxious and seek reassurance it may be a problem.

How can I tell if my insecurity points to a real problem?

Find out what you know and what you assume to be true. If your partner lies to you, is disrespectful or doesn’t keep agreements with you there may be a problem.

Can insecurity ruin a relationship?

Yes if you constantly accuse your partner of wrong doing, check on them or isolate yourself. You can learn to communicate with your partner about your feelings and build trust back.

When should I seek counseling?

If your insecurities are affecting your day to day life or you continue to argue with your partner. Reach out to someone if you feel like you are being coerced into things.

A personal reflection: What I think can help people is knowing that you can gain assurance from your partner and yourself by asking your partner for reassurance and finding out the truth.

Conclusion

Learning to overcome your insecurities can start by understanding what makes you feel insecure. Once you separate facts from what you assume is true, take the appropriate steps to better your relationship. Learning to communicate with your partner, getting reassurance, setting boundaries, and building your self-esteem can all help you overcome your insecurities.

However, do not build yourself up to overcome insecurities that may be caused by your partner. Lies, lack of respect, and controlling behaviors should not be brushed aside because you feel insecure.

Here’s a tip I can give you.

Check out the Relationship Rewrite Method. I think its worth learning more about to help with your relationships. Affiliate link below if you purchase through my link I will receive a commission.