How to Rebuild Trust in a Marriage After It Has Been Broken

If there is a major affair it can be difficult for both parties to know what to do. They may want to know more about what happened or they may want to move on and fix their relationship. There is no step by step process that will work for everyone.

When trying to gain trust back in your relationship you must first learn how to apologize. If both parties wish to try and gain trust back you must learn what steps to take to regain that trust. This does not mean you have to forgive your spouse or even stay in the relationship. Learn what you are comfortable with

Here at Clearer Connections we know that you need time to learn what you need from your situation. Learn what you know about what has happened and what you may need to feel safe.

Key Takeaways

• Trust can be rebuilt, but it’s not something that you have to do.
• You have to go beyond just saying, “I’m sorry,” and actually fix what you did.
• Everyone can express what they need from one another. But it is the person that did wrong that must address their issues.
• Make sure to have healthy boundaries with each other and know what you’re comfortable with.
• There is no timeline for this process. You can walk away at any point. If it doesn’t feel healthy to you, repair can always be stopped.

What Does Rebuilding Trust in a Marriage Mean?

When repairing your marriage, you are allowing yourself and your partner to move towards something new. It’s not jumping back into what you’re used to doing.

Having an apology can help but won’t allow someone to feel safe enough to trust you. If you’re the one that broke trust, you can tell them you did what you did. You can also answer questions to the best of your knowledge and help prevent what you did from happening again. The person that you broke trust with can also express what they need from you, what questions they want answered, and if they want to repair their relationship.

There will be many questions asked by both parties. Do we feel safe with each other? What do we have to change? Do we even want to be married? These are all questions that you don’t have to answer right away.

Rebuilding trust may involve	It does not automatically require
Naming what happened honestly	Forgiving on a schedule
Making and keeping clear agreements	Sharing every password or message
Discussing whether both want to try repair	Staying in the marriage
Reviewing whether actions match promises	Returning to the old relationship

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Optional next step: View the Relationship Rewrite presentation if you want to review its information. We make no claims about the program’s results or whether it is right for your situation.

What Can Break Trust in a Marriage?

Infidelity can break trust, as can repeatedly lying, making financial decisions that were hidden from your spouse, or breaking a seriously held agreement. It depends on the effect it had on your spouse and what they understood the agreement to be.

You don’t have to agree on what happened before you can begin discussing it. Start with the action that took place, what you believed the agreement was, and what you both need to know going forward. This allows you to focus on the issue at hand and avoid arguing about who is right or wrong.

Can a Marriage Recover After Trust Is Broken?

There are some situations where your spouse may be able to learn to trust you again. There is no guarantee that this will happen. Your spouse may not want to stay married to you. If your spouse has been wronged, they cannot force you to forgive them, nor can they dictate how long it will take for you to decide.

Will your marriage last? That is the question. Can you both decide to work on repairing your relationship? Will you both be willing to make informed and honest decisions about what you want to do? One spouse may want to discuss it right away while the other wants to wait. It’s okay to take a step back from the situation. You aren’t saying yes or no; you are just taking some time.

Deciding to work on your relationship doesn’t mean you’re committing to the rest of your life together. Maybe you decide to have one conversation, gather more information, or you can decide to discuss it further down the road. Take baby steps. If things become too heated, you can walk away and decide if, when, and how you want to continue the conversation.

Steps to Rebuild Trust in a Marriage After a Serious Breach

These are things you can do to help your relationship. They aren’t requirements for every couple. Some of these may apply to you, and some may not.

1. Tell them what you did

Don’t try to minimize or misrepresent it. If you were spending money that you didn’t disclose to your spouse, state that you were spending money and that you didn’t let your spouse know. If you cheated on your spouse, don’t make excuses about why you did it: work, loneliness, drinking too much, or your spouse did this or that.

Your spouse may have questions. You can decide together what they need to know now and what you can answer at a later date. You shouldn’t be pressured into divulging intimate information that isn’t necessary. If you’re not sure what they may need to know, you can create a list and go over it later.

2. Stop the behavior that caused harm

If your spouse finds out you are continuing the behavior, what good did your words do? If you were cheating, you may want to speak with your spouse about what contact they would be comfortable with—perhaps none. If you were spending undisclosed money, make sure you stop doing that.

What are you willing to stop doing? What was your agreement? Saying “I’ll do better” can be hard to decipher. Instead, you could say, “I will inform you of any money that I spend from our account.” Your spouse may ask you to do things that you aren’t comfortable with. Remember, you are the one that broke trust, so try to make your decisions truthfully. Your spouse can then make their decisions about what they will do.

3. Take responsibility without shifting blame

When you take accountability, you are stating what you did and how it affected the other person. You don’t have to accept everything they remember about what you did, but you do have to hear them out. Don’t try to argue that it wasn’t harmful.

Your spouse may say something like, “I concealed the transaction. I realize why that would be hard for you to trust me when I tell you things. I am sorry. Can we come up with a way to communicate better about finances moving forward?”

They may or may not forgive you, but they have something to go off of. If you were harmed, you can state what you know and what you don’t, and decide if that is good enough for you.

4. Ask what your spouse needs from you right now

Your spouse, who felt wronged, may need to ask you questions. They may need some time, or maybe they need a new contract in place. Whatever they need, you can ask them what that is. Your spouse, who did the harm, can ask what you need and answer honestly if you can meet those needs. Both parties can express what they need from each other. Just because someone doesn’t like your answer doesn’t mean you didn’t get to make that choice.

Maybe ask them what they need to know from you. Do they need you to hold off on talking until a later date? There are no rules when it comes to this topic.

Here are some examples of asking what you need from your spouse. These are just ways to communicate with your spouse, so modify them to fit your situation.

5. Have some kind of transparency

After your spouse cheats financially, you may decide to sit down once a month and look at your budget. This is not saying that you have to allow your spouse to see all your accounts or messages. Make sure whatever you come up with, you can explain what you are sharing and why, and when you will check in to see if it’s working for you both.

If your spouse cheated by speaking to someone else, you may want to come up with what is acceptable and what each person will do if the terms are not met. Here are some ways to come up with agreements with your partner.

These are agreements and boundaries that you can set. There is a difference between agreements and boundaries. This guide to setting boundaries in a relationship offers more examples. You can use an idea from it without making every example a rule for your marriage.

6. Follow through consistently and address setbacks honestly

Trust can be hard to judge if someone just promises things. If they told you they would show you their budget, then they should do that. If there is something going on, they can let you know early on, rather than try to hide it until you find out.

Something can happen that you don’t know what to expect. Take what happened and see if they were truthful about it and want to work on changing it. If it’s a trend of them hiding things from you or lying, you may want to make a different decision.

You can always sit down after x amount of time and see if this is working for both parties. Does each spouse still want to try?

What Progress Can Look Like

When your spouse is showing signs of progress, they may not always be happy. But they will keep their word and not try to hide things from you. You will be able to express what you need from your spouse and not have them pressure you into something you don’t want.

You may start to see them answer your questions or come to you with something they know they did wrong. They may take measures to not do that again. Your spouse that was betrayed may feel more empowered to make decisions for themselves, whether that be moving forward or not.

There is no set time that you should know when your trust will be back. There may be some days that are better than others. But ask yourself if they are changing and if you can make decisions for yourself.

When to consider not repairing

If you find yourself wanting to walk away or take a break from your partner due to their actions or lack of honoring agreements, perhaps they want you to trust them or move past something too quickly. There may be situations where you are not comfortable if there are repeated patterns of hiding things or asking for trust without open dialogue. Just because a relationship isn’t “bad” enough to warrant leaving doesn’t mean you can’t take a step back.

Take note if you feel you cannot speak up for yourself or express that you need a break. If there is abuse or controlling actions, this is not a normal issue to work on together. If you are feeling threatened or scared, it is best to seek help for yourself.

Below is a link to the national domestic violence hotline’s website and their page on how to plan for your emotional safety. Here are some steps you can take when thinking of ways to get help. In the US, USAGov lists many resources to use when experiencing domestic abuse. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233) or you can text START to 88788. If you are in danger, call 911.

You can always speak to someone you trust privately or look for services near you. Make sure if you are trying to get help from a device or account that it may be monitored. There is no pressure to figure out what you want to do right now.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is there hope for my marriage after cheating?

It depends on the situation. Some people will want to work on repairing their relationship, and some will not want to be married. It’s impossible to know what may have occurred, if it’s stopped occurring, if they both want to work towards repairing their marriage, and if each can make decisions on their own.

How long will it take me to regain trust?

It could take any amount of time, depending on what was done, what both parties may need, and if rules are being upheld. You don’t have to give anyone a due date to make a decision. You can always reassess your relationship, and that doesn’t mean you are forgiving them.

Can my spouse rebuild trust on their own?

Your spouse can learn from their mistake and make themselves more trustworthy, but they can’t make you trust them or want to be married. It’s not your job to make them trustworthy either. Each can make decisions for themselves if they want to repair their marriage.

Do I have to give them my passwords or allow them to track me?

That’s up to you and your spouse. Some people may allow certain aspects of transparency during their process; others may not. It’s not mandatory to give someone your password or allow them to see where you are. There should be some form of consent when you decide to do this with your partner, and it should be something you’re both comfortable talking about. Forcing someone or making them feel trapped to give you these things is not transparency.

Will counseling help?

Counseling can allow you and your spouse to sit down and answer questions that you may have. Counseling will not ensure trust or that your marriage will last. If you’d like to find a marriage and family therapist, here is a great place to begin. If you feel threatened or are being manipulated, find yourself some help first.

If you’re not sure yet, that’s fine too. You have time to figure out if you want to try to make things work or not. Whatever you decide, your needs and feelings are valid.

Conclusion

In order for a marriage to heal from a breach of trust, both parties would have to decide to try to fix things and show through actions what they are willing to do. There is no guarantee on how it may play out. You can always allow yourself time and ask questions, set boundaries, and get help.

Here is great relationship resource you may want to check out:
Check out Relationship Rewrite Method.
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