Long-Distance Relationship Advice: How to Stay Close and Connected
Long-distance relationship advice usually revolves around how many texts you should be sending or how often you should see each other. There isn’t a routine that will fit every couple. Find what makes you feel closer and build a routine around that.
Long distance will make it harder to communicate with one another, whether it’s those little chats you’ll go without, wondering why they haven’t responded to your messages, or finding times to see each other with school and finances. Don’t stress; these things can be built upon as well: communication, trust, visits, arguments, and your future together.
A note from Clearer Connections: There’s no right or wrong when it comes to staying in contact. Just find what works for you and your partner to feel close. If texting bothers you check out our article on finding a texting rhythm that works for both of you.
1. Find a communication rhythm you can keep
Maybe you guys will love texting all day long. Maybe not. Maybe it’s best to communicate through texts and plan to speak on a certain night. There’s no wrong answer. Just find something that works for you both.
Discuss these questions with each other. What times work best for you? Do you like short or long conversations? How will we let each other know if we can’t make a certain plan? It’s not necessary to figure everything out for each day of the week. Decide on something that you think will work and see how it goes.
Try saying this if you guys communicate differently.
“I understand that we both have different needs when it comes to communicating. Can we find a schedule that we are both happy with?”
If you want to talk to your partner more, you can say:
“I’ve missed talking to you lately. Would it be possible to talk on the phone sometime this week?”
You could come to an agreement that you’ll talk on a certain night a few times a week. Text each other if your schedule changes, and allow for some days where you won’t speak. Not sure what is normal?, this guide to finding a texting rhythm that works for both partners has more ideas.
Texting, calling, and seeing each other can all be used.:
| Contact option | It can work well for |
|---|---|
| Texts | Quick updates, small moments, and making plans |
| Phone calls | Unhurried conversation when video is not convenient |
| Video calls | Sharing a meal, seeing each other’s expressions, or doing an activity together |
| In-person visits | Spending focused time together and sharing everyday experiences |
A 2018 study showed that in their sample, Skype was a higher predictor of communication and satisfaction than the other methods of communication tested. Not to say that it’s a sure-fire way to increase satisfaction, but it may be beneficial. Read the study here.
Something else that you can check out is the Relationship Rewrite Method. Learn more about it here and see if you think it could benefit your situation. As an affiliate, Clearer Connections may receive a commission if you purchase.
2. Build trust without turning contact into monitoring
By communicating openly and following through with what you say, you will build trust with your partner. This does not mean you have to be in contact all the time or have access to each other’s messages. Allow each other time to complete work, sleep, spend time with friends, etc.
If there is something that you are concerned about, ask about it. Don’t assume that you already know what happened. You can say something like,
“I got worried when I heard about that. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, so can you tell me what happened?”
After you hear your partner’s response, communicate what you need and come to a conclusion that works for both of you. Maybe you ask that they inform you if their plans change. This is not asking them to prove to you that they are doing what they said.
If you want more ideas about honesty, privacy, and follow-through, read this guide to building trust in a relationship.
Have dinner together on a video chat.
3. Make shared time feel meaningful
It doesn’t have to be extravagant. You can cook dinner together, watch TV, or play a video game. Go on a walk and tell each other about your day—something positive and negative that happened.
Allow time to have normal time and quality time. Having a fancy virtual date is great, but you also want to feel like you’re included in each other’s day-to-day life. Ask what your partner enjoys doing and what you enjoy doing.
Be present when you do have quality time. If you’re exhausted, tell your partner and maybe do it at a different time. It’s better to have quality time for a short period of time than ignore your partner for hours.
4. Plan visits as a shared responsibility
Having your partner visit can be exciting, but it can be costly. Discuss what you are both comfortable with when it comes to time and money. Help each other out with visiting each other and be upfront if it’s too much for you.
Here are some questions you can ask your partner:
- What days work for you?
- Who is going to pay for what?
- Where are we going to stay?
- Do we want to do activities or just relax?
- What will happen if we can’t make a trip?
You can start off by saying,
“I want to plan out our next visit. Let’s see what dates and prices work for us and what we want to do.”
Don’t put too much pressure on your visits to be amazing. You can just hang out and do normal things: cook a meal, do errands, etc. These things will allow you to get used to spending time together as a couple.
5. Handle conflict with care
Arguing can be stressful over text. Sometimes you can’t understand the tone of the person and may misinterpret what they’re trying to say. If you feel yourself getting into an argument with your partner over text, tell them that you want to stop texting and speak over the phone.
You could say:
“You seem upset. I think we should talk about this over the phone.”
Don’t ghost your partner when you stop texting them. Once you are calm and feel you can speak to them, let them know. Stay on one subject and tell them how it made you feel and what you need from them.
For more help with recurring disagreements, see this guide to breaking the cycle of relationship arguments.
6. Keep your own life, too
Just because you’re in a relationship does not mean that it has to be the focus of your life. Spend time with your friends and do things that you enjoy. It will also allow you to have things to talk about when you are spending time with your partner.
Having your own life does not mean that you will not spend time with your partner. Make sure that you are both happy having your own time and still make time for your relationship. This guide to healthy independence in a relationship explores that balance.
If you are feeling lonely, ask yourself why. Do you want to talk more to your partner? Want them to hold you more when you visit? Feel like you’re not included in their daily activities? Figure out what it is that you’re missing and communicate that to your partner.
7. Talk about the future in steps
There are many things you can discuss when it comes to the future. You may not want to go into everything right away, but it’s good to have an open dialogue about your future. Do you both want a long-distance relationship? What will it take for you to live closer?
Maybe one of you has a job that you can’t leave, or family that you have to be near, or money that isn’t allowing you to live close to your partner. Whatever the case is, make sure that you both can communicate about your future and not put each other on the spot.
Try:
“I love you and want to discuss what our future looks like. We don’t have to know all of the answers right now.”
Once you have talked about what you both want, you can come up with a plan. Maybe you will meet in the middle or talk about it more in a month.
A simple check-in to try together
Here are some questions to ask once a week. You can always alter these to fit your needs. You can answer them back and forth.
- What did you enjoy about our week together?
- What moment made you feel closest to me?
- Is there anything you want more or less of during the week?
- What plans can we make for next week?
These are not meant to be a science. It’s just to get the conversation started. Listen to your partner’s response and share your thoughts.
When communication starts to feel controlling
If your partner wants you to respond immediately to their texts, asks you for your password and location at all times, or constantly checks on who you’re around, they could be taking things too far. Remember, you have the right not to respond to someone right away and to be off your phone.
The CDC defines domestic violence as physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression. If you are feeling unsafe or scared that someone is tracking your location, please reach out to someone. Use another device if you believe your phone may be tracked. Your safety comes first.
Frequently asked questions
How much should my long-distance girlfriend and I talk?
It’s hard to say because everyone is different. See what works best for you both. Maybe start with calling every day and go from there. If it’s getting to be too much or not enough, adjust your schedule.
Can you have a healthy long-distance relationship without talking every day?
Yes! Some relationships thrive on speaking to each other every day. Others may feel comfortable talking less than every day. As long as you are both happy with your schedule and able to speak about it, that should be fine.
What can you do on a date with your girlfriend over the phone?
You can eat a meal together, watch a movie, play a video game, listen to music, or simply chat about your week. Anything you enjoy doing together.
My long-distance boyfriend never makes plans. What can I do?
Communicate with him. Let him know you noticed and see if he will help plan some dates. If not, what can you both do to improve your situation?
Here is great relationship resource you may want to check out:
Check out Relationship Rewrite Method.
Affiliate disclosure: I may earn a commission if you purchase through this link.
Final thoughts
As you can see, there is no correct amount of time you should spend talking to your long-distance partner. Find something that will help you feel closer to one another, whether it be making plans. Remember to keep your boundaries and communicate with your partner.
Long distance may require more effort, but it doesn’t have to take over your whole life. Take it one day at a time and learn what works best for both of you.
One last note from Clearer Connections: You don’t need to constantly be reachable to your partner, and you don’t have to feel ashamed that you miss your partner. Communicate with one another and find a schedule that works for both of you.
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