How to Improve Communication in a Relationship: Pause, Reflect, Clarify

Communication does not mean you and your partner will always agree with each other. It means that you can communicate your feelings and what you think and decide on what you will do from there. Calling each other names and threatening each other is not acceptable.

Sometimes this is hard to do. You might ask your partner a question that they could feel like your insulting them. Or they may not answer you immediately and you may feel like they dont care. Maybe your partner likes to talk about things when they happen and you like to have time to process your thoughts. Both of you could get into an argument just by assuming what the other person is thinking.

I think its hard to remember that you may not understand what someone is trying to say the first time they tell you. Asking them what they mean can go a long way instead of responding with a quick answer.

How to Improve Communication in a Relationship with the Pause, Reflect, Clarify Method

Here are some ways that you can implement the pause, reflect, clarify technique to communicate healthier with your significant other and improve your daily communication skills:

1. Stop from responding when angry or scared.
2. Reflect on what you believe your partner said.
3. Ask them to clarify their meaning and state yours.

Its not about using this to gain an upper hand in arguments. Its about finding out if your reacting to your significant other or your assumptions about what they said. This can be applied to any daily communication, discussion or argument. As long as you both feel safe to communicate with each other.

Key Takeaways

• Take a pause if you are too angry to listen and decide on a time to get back to the discussion.
• Reflect back to your significant other what you think they are saying and see if you have it correct before stating your opinion.
• Stay focused on one problem at a time and be specific with what your requesting from your partner.
• Both parties need to participate in order to improve communication. If you feel unsafe or your experiencing abuse please seek help.

Why couples misunderstand each other

When your partner speaks to you there are many factors that will determine how you hear that statement. Mood, previous events and your expectation can all play a role when someone talks to you.

Your partner may ask “Are you going to be late again?” Maybe they are just wanting to know what time to start cooking dinner. Your partner may hear “I know you’re not coming home early.” And may respond in anger. There may be no anger from your significant other if you didn’t pause to find out.

Your partner may also say they’re ok when they need a moment to think. You may assume that because your partner is quiet they’re mad at you. This could be true or your partner may simply need some time to think.

Misunderstandings often grow when people:

• Believe you know what the other person is thinking.
• Jump into defensive mode or respond with passive aggressive comments.
• Throw multiple problems at once.
• Make statements that say you always/never do something.
• Expect your significant other to know what your thinking.
• Try to work through a problem while your emotions are high.

These are some examples of when people don’t communicate well. Remember it’s about creating the opportunity to fix your wrong assumption.

Step 1: Pause before you answer

By pausing you allow yourself to think of a response. You are not ignoring your partner or leaving without telling them. Its allowing yourself to step back if your emotions are getting in the way of hearing your partner.

You may start to raise your voice or begin cutting off your partner. Maybe your repeating yourself or already thinking about what your going to say next. All of these are things to remember when its time to stop.

Take a short pause if you can keep yourself in the conversation. Breathe and lower your voice allow your partner to finish their thought. If you need more time than a short pause let your significant other know.

Try saying:

“I would like to hear what your saying but I’m becoming emotional. Can we talk after we eat.”

Don’t use this as a tool to punish your partner or to avoid discussing an issue for a long time. Once you decide to sit down and discuss this issue make sure you do. If the time your partner suggested doesn’t work let them know.

Maybe you will both cool down during that pause. You may not agree when your back together but its giving you both an opportunity to hear one another out.

Step 2: Reflect what you heard

By reflecting back to your partner you are allowing them to know you understand their point. This type of listening will show your partner that your understanding. When your validating your partners feelings your acknowledging that they feel that way and may not agree with everything they say.

For example:

“I felt like you didn’t care about my feelings when you decided to do that activity this weekend. Is that correct?”

Wait for them to answer you may be right or your partner may elaborate. Allow your significant other to finish their sentence before you jump in.

Reflecting on what your partner is feeling can be beneficial as well.

“You were disappointed that I decided to change the plans at the last minute. Because you had planned to spend the night at home?”

Do not turn this into an argument by saying something like “So your saying I’m a bad partner.” This is not what your partner may have told you.

Empathy can go a long way when you try to understand what your partner is thinking.

“I understand why you thought I forgot about our plans. I would like to share my side of the story as well.”

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Step 3: Clarify instead of guessing

Now that you have reflected on what your partner is saying you can ask a question. Ask them a question that allows them to open up about what they may be feeling.

You could ask:

• “What would help you feel supported?”
• “Did you not like that I changed our plans? Or that I didn’t inform you sooner?”
• “Do you want me to just listen or would you like suggestions?”
• “When you said you need some space do you mean tonight or a longer amount of time?”

Asking open ended questions will help your partner give you a more in depth answer. It can also help when they say something vague like “be more considerate”. Asking “What would help you feel considered” can help them understand what your looking for. “Let me know if your going to be home late so I can plan on making dinner.”

Explain your own view without blame

Once your partner has expressed their side of the story it’s time to share yours. Pick one scenario and talk about how you felt and what you need from your partner. “I” statements can help with this.

A simple structure is:

“I felt [emotion] when [scenario]. Can you please [need].”

Something along these lines:

“When I found out our plans changed and you did not inform me I felt anxious about what I should do. Next time you can let me know if you’ll be running late?”

“I” statements should express an emotion and a need. They should not be used as a veiled insult. “I feel you are selfish.” Still puts blame on your partner. Express how you feel:

Instead of: “You never listen to me.”

Try: ” I am feeling angry because I feel like I wasn’t able to finish speaking. Can I finish then you can share your side.”

Its fine to stand up for yourself. Don’t try to make things smaller than they are. Tell your partner what you are unhappy about and let them have there response.

Talk about one issue at a time

It can get out of hand when you start listing all your grievances from the past. If the topic at hand is a canceled plan try to stick to that topic and not move onto previous events.

You might say:

“I know there are other topics we can discuss but let’s finish this topic first. We can decide if we want to make time for the other issue.”

Its okay to bring these things up just try to stick with one at a time. If it keeps coming up then you can take the time to discuss the issue at hand. Just don’t bring it up while your heated about something.

Focus on the action not your partners character. “When you laughed about that around my friends I felt hurt.” This allows your partner to know what you didn’t enjoy about their actions. “Your mean” will make your partner defensive about their character. Ask your partner how they like to be helped.

Ask what kind of support your partner wants

Sometimes when your partner brings you an issue you want to help solve it. Which is great but sometimes they just want to vent.

Ask before assuming:

“Would you like help brainstorming or just want me to listen.”

If they want you to listen listen. Put your phone down and pay attention to your partner. You can also listen to their body language. You don’t always have to maintain eye contact but you can ask them questions or restate what they said to you. There is no right answer to this.

If they want ideas you can brainstorm some ideas with them.

“Do you want me to think of ways you can fix this issue.”

By simply asking your partner what they need from you can avoid this common scenario. One partner will feel like you’re not helping them and the other will be confused why you offered them advice.

Small gestures can create more intimacy in your relationship. read how to build emotional intimacy in a relationship.

Make requests clear and realistic

When giving your partner a request it should be actionable, helpful information and allow your partner to say yes or no.

Compare:

• “Can you be more attentive.”
• “Can we put our phones away while eating dinner twice this week.”

You gave your partner a request they can act on. Your partner may want to help you out but come up with a better solution or why this won’t work. Work with your partner to come up with a solution.

Giving your partner a request isn’t a demand. By stating your needs you are allowing your partner to respect their boundaries as well. They may not always say yes but at least both parties are communicating.

Try this script:

“I want us to spend more quality time talking. Can we put our phones away during dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays? Or are there other nights that work for you.”

If there is a problem you both can address give your partner actionable steps. We all know we need to communicate more with our partners but how?

Take a respectful time-out during a heated argument

Sometimes arguments can become too heated to speak with your partner. Allow yourself and your partner some time to cool down. Then go back to discussing the issue.

Try saying:

“I want to resolve this but I’m too upset to speak right now. Can we talk about this later at 7:00.”

Take that time to cool down and not think about what you want to say to your partner. Don’t use this time as the silent treatment or run away from the issue. If you need more time let your partner know and give them a time to talk to you.

Listen for understanding, not victory

You may have a different story than your partner about a certain incident. You don’t have to see things the same but you can try to understand why your partner felt a certain way.

You could say:

“I know that I have a different story about that night but I want to understand why you were upset. What was your biggest concern.”

Then you can share your story. Remember your partner doesn’t have to see things the way you do. If you realize you did something wrong state what you did, how it affected your partner and what you can do in the future.

“I interrupted you and redirected the conversation to myself. I’m sorry I will allow you to finish and then hear your perspective.”

Trust grows through repeated actions, not one perfect conversation. See everyday habits that can help build trust in a relationship.

Trust often grows through repeated actions, not one perfect conversation. See everyday habits that can help build trust in a relationship.

Make space for differences

When stating a request, you are allowing your partner the opportunity to accept or decline. When you state a demand, there is less of an opportunity.

“Be more present” may not be something that you can take action on. “Let’s try putting our phones away at dinner two times this week” allows both of you to discuss the idea.

If that solution does not work for your partner, see if there is another way that works for both of you.

“I want us to talk more and have fewer distractions. Could you try putting your phone away when we eat dinner on Tuesdays and Thursdays? If not, what would work for you?”

It may be hard to agree to communicate more, but it is easier to say we will let each other know when our schedule changes. Remember to keep your partner’s boundaries in mind and allow them to communicate their needs as well.

Communication is not a fix for abuse

Communication is not going to help if your partner is abusive. Threats, stalking, coercion, and abusive behaviors are not normal conflicts in a relationship. No matter what you say or how you listen, your partner will not become non-abusive. Communicating with someone who makes you feel unsafe is not beneficial.

The CDC lists ways to prevent intimate partner violence, some of which can be learning how to build a safe relationship. This does not mean if your partner is abusing you that you can stop it by communicating better. Here is some information from the CDC on intimate partner violence, and here is an overview on how to prevent it.

If you feel unsafe communicating with your partner or think that speaking your mind will cause harm, focus on keeping yourself safe. Speak to someone you trust or find a professional in your area that can help you. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

Frequently asked questions

How can I communicate better without starting an argument?

Find a time that is neutral. Discuss one issue at a time. Communicate how you are feeling or what you need from your partner. Do not attack them. Ask your partner if now is a good time to talk. If either of you get too upset, take a break and come back at an agreed-upon time.

What if my partner does not understand what I mean?

Communicate your point differently and provide examples. Have your partner repeat back what they understood. You can clear up any confusion without placing blame on them for not understanding you.

Should I bring up a problem as soon as it happens?

Sometimes it’s best to wait. If you’re upset or overwhelmed by the situation, it can be helpful to take a break. Tell your partner that you want to address this and come back to it later.

What if we remember the event differently?

You don’t have to agree on everything to talk about how a situation made you feel. Hear what your partner has to say, and then tell them how you saw it. Find a way that you can both move forward.

Can communication fix a relationship if only one person is trying?

There is only so much that you can do by yourself. You can communicate in a healthier way, but you can’t force your partner to. Communication between two people takes effort from both sides. If your partner continues to shut you out or you feel unsafe, reach out for help.

When could couples counseling help?

If you and your partner are having recurring arguments and are open to talking through them, couples counseling may be beneficial. If there is any abuse happening, please reach out for help before speaking to your partner.

These are just some things I’ve learned while practicing better communication. There will never be a magic sentence to solve all of your problems. Try to listen more and ask why. Maybe you misunderstood or didn’t hear everything they had to say.

A small practice for your next conversation

Next time you are in a less heated discussion, try using the pause, reflect, clarify technique. Pause and reflect back to your partner what you believe they are trying to say. If there is anything unclear, ask them. State your side and come up with one request.

There may be more to the conversation, but try to gain understanding from one another. Find one action that you can both take to move forward. You don’t need to have all the right words when communicating with your partner. Just practice patience and listening with an with an open mind.