How to Get Your Ex Back: A Respectful Guide to Reconnecting

How to get your ex back is a question many people ask after a breakup. You might wonder what you should have said or want to text them immediately. While it’s natural to have these thoughts, they won’t help you figure out if your ex wants you or if you two should get back together.

You can open up to talk to your ex about things, but you don’t know what they’re going to do. Getting back with your ex takes two people. Here are some tips on how to figure out what happened and if you should reach out to your ex and how to handle it.

I believe there is a difference between missing someone and wanting to get back with them. I would want to know what happened before I reach out to my ex.

Key Takeaways

• You and your ex both need to want to reconcile. You have no say over their decision.
• Assess what caused your breakup and what you’ve done to fix those issues before reaching out.
• If your ex asks you to leave them alone, don’t try to reconcile. Pressure tactics or continued messaging are not the answer.
• Try to stay truthful and honest when speaking with your ex. Don’t assume that old issues won’t come up.
• Accept if your ex decides they don’t want to get back together. Focus on yourself and what steps you’ll take.

Can You Get Your Ex Back?

Many couples have successfully rekindled their relationships. Others may find that their ex isn’t someone they want to be with. There is no formula to ensure your ex will want to get back together.

Try to focus on wanting to communicate with your ex instead of asking them to date you. Maybe your ex will want to communicate with you but doesn’t want to date you. Your ex might need more time or may not want any contact with you. While you can state how you feel to your ex, they will always have the choice to respond however they wish.

Both parties need to want to work on the issues that led to the breakup. Wanting your ex and missing them isn’t enough. One person wanting to get back together is not reconciling with your ex. Work on yourself and your reasons for reaching out before you decide to contact them.

Before You Reach Out, Understand What Went Wrong

Look at what happened that led to your breakup. What were some of the big issues that you and your ex had? Maybe it wasn’t just that one fight you had before breaking up. You could have been arguing for months and broke up because of incompatibilities. Trust can be another reason for your relationship to end, or maybe your ex fell out of love with you. There could have been many factors that led to your breakup.

Ask yourself what you’ve changed. What have you done to fix the issues that led to your relationship ending? Maybe you made a promise to your ex that you wouldn’t do something but haven’t changed any habits. Change can take time. Learn from your past mistakes and show that you are better.

When trying to understand what happened, don’t twist it into why your ex should get back with you. Acknowledging your faults doesn’t mean it’s all your fault. You can tell your ex what you’ve learned and don’t expect them to do the same.

If you’re questioning if getting back with your ex is worth it, read “Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Questions to Ask First”. That article can help you think through the bigger decision. This guide focuses on reconnecting respectfully if contact makes sense.

Give Yourself Time to Get Grounded

When you break up with someone, you may feel sad. You may feel like reaching out to your ex right away. You may say too much or ask your ex for validation that they can’t provide you. Waiting may allow you to send your ex a message that you stand behind.

There is no certain amount of time that you have to wait before contacting your ex. Some may say to practice no contact for a certain number of days, but that isn’t always going to work for everyone. Allow yourself enough time to heal from your breakup and know what you want to say to your ex. Unfollow your ex on social media, write them a message and don’t send it, or speak with friends.

Remind yourself of the other things you enjoy in life. Continue doing things that you loved before you met your ex. Make plans with your friends and family. Rest. All of these will benefit you regardless of whether you and your ex get back together.

Decide Whether Reaching Out Is Appropriate

Think about what your ex has told you. If they told you to leave them alone, you should honor that. You shouldn’t reach out to them through another phone number, email, or friend. Even if you have the best intentions of reconnecting, you are violating your ex’s wishes by reaching out.

You should also consider if it’s safe to reach out to your ex. If there was abuse, harassment, or stalking involved in your relationship, you should probably avoid trying to get back with your ex. The CDC explains that intimate partner violence includes “physical violence, sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression.” The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) provides more information on Intimate Partner Violence.

If you feel like it isn’t safe for you to contact your ex, don’t try to reconcile. Speak with someone that you trust or find a local relationship abuse organization to help. Learn more about how to handle a boundary being violated on our Love is Respect page about boundaries. Follow your court orders and custody arrangements if applicable.

Questions to Ask Yourself Before Reaching Out

Before you decide to contact your ex, ask yourself these questions.

• Why did you break up, and have you changed?
• Do I miss my ex, or do I just miss being in a relationship?
• Have I taken responsibility for my actions?
• Can I reach out to my ex without expecting them to get back to me?
• Will I respect my ex if they don’t want to reconcile?
• Has my ex told me to leave them alone?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, that could be unsafe for you or your ex to reach out. Take the time to work on yourself.

Reopen Communication Without Pressure

When it’s appropriate to reach out, you want to keep it simple and straightforward. Tell your ex why you are reaching out and allow them the option to not respond. There is no need to go into detail about everything that has happened between you two. Just letting them know you are reaching out can allow the conversation to take place. It shouldn’t be your ex who is responsible for your emotions.

Do not send a text that makes your ex feel as if they have to reply. If you reach out and want your ex to feel as if they owe you a conversation, that will not work. Also, do not try to apologize to your ex and force them to forgive you. If you want to take accountability, tell your ex what you did wrong and let them decide if they want to talk to you about it.

If you’re not sure what to text your ex, try to keep your text short and simple. Why are you reaching out to your ex? Do you just want to say hi, apologize for something, or tell them that you want to speak to them? Don’t try to do all of these things in your first message. For more examples, see “What to Say to Your Ex After No Contact: Text Examples”. Only use any message if your ex has not asked you to stop contacting them.

Examples and Scripts for Reaching Out

Below are some examples you can use to reach out to your ex. Remember these are just examples, so if they don’t fit your situation, change them up. Do not send multiple texts if your ex does not respond to you.

A simple first message

“Hey, how have you been? Just wanted to reach out and say hi. No worries if you don’t want to reply.”

Taking responsibility

“I’ve been thinking about what I did and how I handled [situation]. I understand that it upset you, and I’m sorry. There’s nothing I expect from you; I just wanted you to know.”

You can always be more specific with what you did wrong. When you apologize to someone, it shows that you took responsibility for your actions.

Asking Your Ex To Speak To You

“If you want to speak to me, I’m open to that. If not, that’s okay too.”

Allow your ex to come back to you and speak to you about what they want. If they don’t respond, don’t keep texting them.

What To Text Your Ex If They Say No

“I understand, and I won’t contact you anymore. I hope you do well.”

If your ex has reached out to you and you want to reach back, use this example. If your ex has told you to stop contacting them, don’t send them a last text.

Pay Attention to How Your Ex Responds

Your ex could respond to your message with warmth, or they may invite you to speak to them. This does not mean they want to get back together with you. Just because your ex acts nice towards you does not mean they want you in their life. Take your time with your ex and listen to what they have to say.

If your ex isn’t sure about speaking to you, allow them time. Maybe they need more time to think about it, or they are trying to tell you that they aren’t ready. Ask your ex what they want and allow them to make that decision. You can both talk to each other, and if your ex doesn’t want to continue speaking to you, allow them to.

Your ex not responding is also an answer to you reaching out. There are many reasons your ex may not have responded to you. They may not have seen your message, or they may not know what to say. Don’t try to figure out why your ex didn’t respond to you. Do not keep texting your ex or find another way to reach out to them.

If your ex tells you that they don’t want to speak to you, then accept that they said no. Don’t argue with your ex about why they shouldn’t cut you off from their life. You may be hurt, but allowing them space is what will help you move on.

If You Both Want to Try Again, Move Slowly

When you and your ex want to try and work on your relationship, you need to take it slow. Do not jump into your relationship and think that you will fix all of your problems that caused you to break up. Speak to each other about what you want out of your relationship. Why did you break up? What do you both need from each other to make your relationship work? Listen to your ex and don’t argue about what you both did wrong.

There are many things you can discuss with your ex when working on your relationship. How will you handle arguments? How often do you want to spend time together? What can you do to rebuild trust? Make sure you are being clear about what you want to do to improve your relationship. If your ex wants to take it slower, allow them to.

Building trust with your ex will take time. Don’t try to force your ex to trust you after one conversation. see “How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship With an Ex” for more detailed guidance. Both people should be free to set boundaries and to reconsider whether the relationship is right for them.

Common Mistakes That Can Push an Ex Away

Putting Pressure On Your Ex. If you constantly ask your ex for answers and force them to meet up with you, they will feel pressured. Telling your ex that you can’t live without them is another form of putting pressure on them. When you want to speak to your ex, you want to open lines of communication. Your ex should want to talk to you.

Sending Too Many Messages. If you have sent your ex a message and they have not responded, don’t continue to send them more messages. Your ex may feel overwhelmed by your texts. Don’t disrespect your ex by continuing to text them if they haven’t responded to you.

Trying To Make Your Ex Jealous. Posting pictures of yourself and acting like you are seeing someone else will not make your ex jealous. Trying to make your ex feel as if they lost out on all of the things you did for them will not work either. When you reach out to your ex, you want to open lines of communication with them.

Not Fixing Your Problems. Just because you miss your ex does not mean that your problems are fixed. By not fixing the issues that caused you to break up, you are taking that problem back into your relationship. When you and your ex decide to try and make things work again, make sure you are communicating what you both need from your relationship.

Promising Things You Can’t Deliver. “I will never do that to you again.” This is something you may want to tell your ex, but will you follow through on your word? If you want to change for your ex, show them that you are changing by doing those things.

Can Relationship Rewrite Help?

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Frequently Asked Questions

How do I know if my ex wants to talk to me?

The best way to know if your ex wants to talk to you is if they communicate that to you. Your ex may tell you that they want to speak to you or ask how you have been. Once they open up to you, ask them what they are comfortable with and pay attention to what they are saying.

What should I do if my ex doesn’t respond to me?

Don’t continue to text your ex or reach out to them through other methods. You don’t know why your ex didn’t respond to you. There could be many reasons why they didn’t respond to you. Allow your friends and family to help you through this time.

Can I be in a relationship with my ex if we have the same problems?

If you and your ex have the same problems that you had when you broke up, it will be hard to build a healthy relationship. You both need to learn from your mistakes and become better people. Just because you love each other or miss each other doesn’t mean you can be in a relationship together. If only one person is willing to change, maybe it’s not for you.

I believe that when you reach out to your ex, you should allow them to have that option as well. If your ex tells you that they don’t want to talk to you, then allow them to have that.

Conclusion: How to Get Your Ex Back Starts With Mutual Respect

There are many ways that you can get your ex back. First, take the time to learn what you did wrong and what you can change in your relationship. Reach out to your ex in a way that allows them to have the option to not respond to you. If you both want to try and make things work again, make sure you are both putting in effort to make your relationship better.

Write down everything that you have learned from this article. What would you want to say to your ex? Take your time and learn from your mistakes.

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