Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Questions to Ask First

Should I get back with my ex? When you miss someone, it can cause many emotions, such as hope and sadness. Maybe you’ll think about all the good times you had, or maybe you think that you could be different now. Just because you miss your ex doesn’t mean that you should get back together. Ask yourself why you broke up in the first place and if there have been any changes. Do you both want to give it another chance?

A personal note: If you came across this post, you may be missing someone. Don’t feel like you need to make a decision tonight. Allow yourself to process your emotions and give yourself time to think about the situation. You should be able to make a decision out of love and respect for one another.

Key takeaways

• When you miss your ex, just allow yourself to feel that. There’s more to it than just missing them.
• Try to find signs of actual change, not just empty promises and happy memories.
• Starting over will take both people wanting it and being respectful of one another’s needs.
• If you felt scared at any point in the relationship, it’s best to keep yourself safe.
• Whether you want to contact them or not, that’s up to you. It’s not necessary to give someone another chance.

Studies have been done to help explain why some people get back with their ex. You can learn more about that here, but it won’t tell you what you should do. Here is an article about on-again, off-again relationships. You can read one study of on-again/off-again relationships.

1. Why did we break up, and has the problem changed?

What were some major reasons you broke up? List out why you broke up, and don’t just focus on the last fight you had.

Maybe your partner cheated, you always fought, or didn’t communicate well. Maybe you wanted different things or were going through a hardship (like long distance). Was it the same issue you tried to work through before?

Now that you have some time, what’s different? Having time can allow you to think things through. But just because time passed doesn’t mean the issue has been resolved. Have things changed for your partner or the situation? They may have apologized, but that doesn’t mean they’ve changed their ways.

If you constantly fought about not spending enough time together, discuss what you each want and what you can both compromise on. “We will fight less” is not a solution.

Ask yourself:

• Do I know what needs to change?
• Are there signs that it has changed, or are they just telling me it will?
• If the issue came back up, would I still want to be with them?

If the reason you broke up is still applicable, take some more time.

Optional resource: If you’re curious about the Relationship Rewrite Method, you can review the details here. Take a look only if it feels useful for your situation.

Affiliate disclosure: I may earn a commission if you purchase through this link, at no extra cost to you.

2. Are you missing your ex or the relationship?

There’s a difference between missing your ex and missing the relationship. You could miss your ex and miss having someone to talk to or a life you built together.

List out what you miss about your ex and what you miss about your relationship. It may be similar things, but try to break it down.

When do you miss them the most? Is it after a bad day, or do you see something that reminds you of them? If you’re feeling lonely, give it more time.

You can miss your ex and know they’re not for you.

3. Do we both want to try again, without pressure?

Wanting to reconnect does not mean your ex wants the same thing. If you choose to contact them, keep your message clear and respectful. For example:

“I have been thinking about us and wanted to see if you would want to talk at some point. If you don’t want to that’s fine too.”

If your ex has asked for space or no contact, respect that and do not send the message. If they say no or do not reply, do not keep contacting them or ask other people to persuade them.

If they agree to talk, that does not mean you are back together. It means you both agreed to have a conversation. Take time to decide what you want after you hear each other.

4. Did I feel safe, respected, and able to be myself?

What did you feel during your relationship? Even when you disagreed, were you able to tell your partner no? Express that you didn’t agree? Spend time with others? Do simple day-to-day things without worrying about your partner’s response?

Are there any signs of controlling behavior? Threats? Intimidation? Sexual coercion? Stalking? Violence or isolation from loved ones? Don’t write these off as normal arguments that happen in relationships.

If you felt scared or were hurt, look after yourself first. There is no going back to a relationship to make it safe. Speak to someone you trust in private or reach out to a local helpline.

You don’t need to think your ex is a horrible person to know your relationship wasn’t safe. It’s okay to keep your boundaries and say no.

5. Can we take responsibility without blaming each other?

Healthy discussions about your past allow both parties to talk and hear one another out. There isn’t a winner or loser when discussing your relationship with your ex.

Can you take responsibility for your actions? Can they take responsibility for theirs? Taking responsibility means knowing what you did and how it may have affected your ex—not just saying, “I’m sorry, but you’re wrong for being mad.”

Just because you apologize doesn’t mean trust is restored. Pay attention to if both parties can communicate, take responsibility, and work on bettering themselves. What happens when there is an argument? Is there name-calling or threats, or trying to shut the other person down?

6. What would we do differently this time?

“I will communicate with you more.” This can be a good thing, but you have to go into detail about what that looks like. Some things you could bring up are:

• How you will bring things up when they’re bothering you.
• How often you want to spend time with one another and how often you don’t
• What boundaries you both have.
• If trust was broken, how do you want to rebuild trust in a relationship with an ex?
• When you disagree and get upset, how will you act?
• What expectations or goals you both want to address.

I know, iIt’s hard to know what boundaries and expectations someone may have, so it’s best to ask. Here is a helpful article from Love Is Respect about boundaries and expectations.

There’s no reason to cover every issue that may happen in your future. Just make sure you both want to work through what caused your relationship to end. You can always take your time with talking as well. It doesn’t have to be an instant decision.

7. Can I accept it if getting back together is not right?

Hope will allow you to imagine what could happen. It won’t ensure it, though. Making an informed decision allows for the possibility of “no.”

How would you take care of yourself if your ex said no? Maybe they change their mind or decide they want something else. Think about your support system. What activities help you stay grounded?

You may decide that you don’t want to try again either. There is nothing wrong with taking care of what YOU need as well.

Remember, you can change your mind at any time.

Here’s a gentle quick-reference table for the post. It can help readers reflect without turning the decision into a scorecard.

Seven questions to reflect on

Question	What it may help you consider
Why did the relationship end?	Whether the main problems are understood, not just missed or set aside.
What has changed since the breakup?	Whether there have been real changes in actions, not only promises.
What do I miss about the relationship?	Whether you miss this person and the relationship, or mainly the comfort and familiarity.
Did I feel safe and respected?	Whether your emotional and physical safety were supported.
Can we talk honestly about what went wrong?	Whether both people can listen, take responsibility, and speak openly.
Do we both want to reconnect freely?	Whether there is genuine interest without pressure or fear.
What boundaries or needs would matter if we talked again?	What would help you feel clear and respected as you choose your next step.

A simple way to sort through your answers

If your thoughts are jumbled, here are three things to write down:

• Things I missed. (person, habits, and what you envisioned)
• Things that I didn’t enjoy or what wasn’t working. (what issues were repetitive and how they affected you)
• Things that have changed. (what do you have to back up this statement)

When you are in a clear mind, go over your notes. Maybe even speak them out loud to someone that will just hear you out, not pushing you in any direction.

This is not about keeping score. Just because you may have listed more pros than cons does not mean it’s a good decision. It’s about being safe, respected, willing, and able to change.

If you decide to reach out

See if your ex wants space or no contact from you. If so, then allow that. Keep it short and non-pressuring.

Try to get on the same page with your ex if they want to speak. See if they will discuss why they want a breakup and what both of you would need to make it work. There is no need to figure everything out right away.

Frequently asked questions

Do you miss your ex after breaking up?

You probably will. It’s just something you may have to go through. Just because you miss someone doesn’t mean you want to be with them. Assess what it is you miss and what led to your breakup.

How long should I wait to reach out to my ex?

It’s hard to say how long you should wait. You need to allow yourself time to cool down. If your ex asked for space or no contact, then please honor that. Never reach out to someone if it would jeopardize your safety.

Can I reach out to my ex?

If your ex has not told you not to contact them, and you feel as though it’s safe to do so, you can reach out. Make sure to keep it simple and be honest. There is no need to put pressure on them to respond. If they choose not to, that’s okay.

My ex told me they changed.

Ask your ex what they changed. Someone saying they changed isn’t enough. Show me they changed by doing it.

Can i be with my ex after breaking up?

There are many people who choose to give it another shot. However, it doesn’t always work. If both parties want to reach out and give it a try and learn from their mistakes, then it can work. Just make sure you’re treating each other with respect.

My relationship was abusive.

Your safety should come first. There is no obligation for you to reach out to your ex. There are resources that can help you with this situation. Please reach out to someone who can assist you.

Conclusion: Should I get back with my ex?

It all depends on the situation. Yes, you might miss your ex, but what caused you to break up? Did you enjoy being in that relationship? Have things changed? These are all things to consider.

Whether you decide to reach out to your ex or not, it’s okay. Remember to respect yourself and your ex. Make sure you’re moving forward in a positive direction.

For more relationship guidance, visit Clearer Connections.

I hope these questions help you choose your next step with more clarity and less pressure.