Gaslighting Examples in Relationships: What They Look Like and How to Respond

Here are some gaslighting examples in relationships. Someone may deny previous conversations or tell you your feelings aren’t valid, or deflect and say that it’s always your fault. None of these alone are gaslighting. Humans will recall things differently. Your significant other could care about you and get defensive when having an argument. What we’re looking for is a pattern, one that causes you to doubt yourself and your memory or validity.

You may hear the term “gaslighting” used when someone distorts reality for another, whether it be an argument about what’s happening this weekend, finances, housework, or hurt feelings. The wording isn’t what matters; it’s the pattern and the results.

Below you’ll find examples of gaslighting in a relationship. We’ll discuss how gaslighting can look different from unhealthy behavior and what you can do about it. This information is meant to provide general knowledge and is not diagnostic. You don’t have to know if it’s gaslighting or not to reach out.

I feel sensitive when it comes to this one. People can be distressed after a hard disagreement, but a single argument isn’t the full story. What matters is whether a pattern starts to make it harder for someone to hear their own mind or to speak.

Key Takeaways

• Gaslighting describes a repeated pattern of denying or distorting events that can make someone doubt their memory, judgment, or right to speak. One disagreement or memory lapse does not prove gaslighting.
• Common examples include dismissing feelings, shifting blame, rewriting agreements, discrediting someone’s memory, and turning concerns into attacks on them. The pattern and its impact matter.
• You can pause a conversation, set a boundary, keep notes if it is safe, or talk with someone you trust. You do not have to keep arguing to prove your memory.
• If you feel afraid, controlled, or unable to disagree safely, seek support from someone you trust or a domestic violence advocate. If you are in immediate danger in the United States, call 911.

What Is Gaslighting?

Gaslighting is when someone denies or changes things that happened to the point that you may begin to question your memory or the validity of speaking up. Not every disagreement is gaslighting.

There are many examples of gaslighting. Dismissing your feelings, blaming others, changing agreements, making you question your memory, and attacking you for your concerns are all forms. Look at the pattern and how it affects you.

Walk away from the conversation. Let your partner know that you will revisit the topic. Keep a record of conversations (if it’s safe) and speak to someone you trust. There is no need to continue an argument to prove your memory.

If you feel unsafe, as if you are being controlled or unable to disagree with your partner, seek help from a trusted friend or domestic violence advocate. Call 911 if you feel you are in immediate danger here in the US.

Common Gaslighting Examples in Relationships

Here are some examples of what gaslighting may look like in your relationship.

Denying Something That Happened

You recall your partner saying something that was hurtful or that they promised to do something. Your partner will state, “I didn’t say that, you’re crazy.”

Many would say this is an example of gaslighting, but just because someone denies an event doesn’t mean they are gaslighting you. It could be a pattern of behavior that they show or just one incident. See if your partner will work with you on what happened or allow other evidence to come into play.

Possible response: “I remember our conversation differently. I don’t want to get into an argument about who is right. Let’s discuss what needs to happen next.”

Dismissing Your Feelings

You let your partner know that something they said upset you. They respond with, “You’re being too sensitive.”

Your partner may not have meant for their words to upset you, but they should be able to hear how their words made you feel. If this becomes a pattern of behavior where you’re always told you’re being too sensitive, it could be considered gaslighting.

Possible response: “Even if you didn’t mean to upset me, it did. I need you to respect that.”

Shifting Blame

Your partner gets angry and will turn the tables on you. “You made me angry.” By doing this, your partner is placing the blame on you for their actions.

There may be situations where both parties are at fault, but your partner is always responsible for their actions. If they are always putting the blame on you, it may be considered gaslighting.

Possible response: “We can discuss why you became upset, but I am not at fault for you yelling.”

Rewriting What You Agreed To

Maybe you agreed to split the cost of something or do a chore together. Your partner will say, “No, you said that was okay. You always change your story.”

There may be times where you both forgot what was discussed. A good partner will work with you to figure out what each of you thought was discussed and come up with a solution. If they are always saying that you change your story, that may be considered gaslighting.

Possible response: “I don’t believe we agreed to that. I’m willing to sit down and discuss it further, but please don’t brush off my concerns.”

Making You Doubt Your Memory or Judgment

Every time you question your partner’s story, they will say you have a bad memory. “You’re so forgetful; you can’t remember what happened.”

At some point, you may start to rely on your partner to remember things for you, even if something doesn’t seem right. We all have moments where we misremember something. If your partner continues to tell you that your memory is bad, it could be gaslighting.

Possible response: “I’m going to take some time to think about what happened. I’ll speak with you when I’m ready.”

Turning the Conversation Against You

Every time you try to address an issue with your partner, they will turn it around on you. Maybe they’ll mention other things that you’ve done wrong or say that you’re the problem.

Your partner may have valid points as well, but if they always turn it around on you, it can be difficult to address certain issues.

Possible response: “We can discuss that later. I want to address this issue first.”

Using Private Information Against You

You may have told your partner about something that you’re insecure about. When your partner argues with you, they may use that against you.

Your partner should not use your secrets against you. If this becomes an issue, you can walk away from the conversation.

Possible response: “That was between us. I don’t want to discuss this anymore.”

If you don’t feel safe voicing your concerns, please know that you don’t have to. Find someone you trust and reach out.

What Gaslighting Can Feel Like

It can start to creep up on you. Here are some signs that you may be experiencing it:

• Think back on conversations and try to figure out what you did wrong.
• Find yourself saying sorry, and maybe you don’t know why.
• Question yourself when asking about something simple.
• You may steer clear of certain subjects that could lead to an argument or you getting ridiculed.
• Have proof (i.e., texts) to validate that something occurred.
• Second-guess yourself and your instincts.
• Ask your partner if they think you should feel that way.
• Feel nervous to express that you may be confused or want more information.

There are many reasons why you may feel this way. If you’re under stress, in a fight, or have a medical condition, it can play a role. Ask yourself if this is becoming a trend in your relationship. Can you express these concerns to your partner and not be put down?

Similar to my article about stonewalling in a relationship, you can ask yourself if conversations are being tabled appropriately, or are they never revisited? Many things can go hand in hand when identifying if your partner is doing this.

Gaslighting vs. a Normal Disagreement

Situation	What may be happening	What to notice
Different memories	Two people recall a conversation differently	Can both acknowledge uncertainty and try to clarify?
A hurtful comment	Someone says something careless or unkind	Do they listen to the impact and take responsibility?
A heated argument	Both people become defensive or upset	Can they pause and return to the issue later?
Repeated denial or blame	One person’s account is regularly dismissed or distorted	Does the pattern leave the other person doubting their memory or right to speak?

This table is just a reference and not meant to be a diagnostic tool. Just because someone acts out defensively one time does not mean they are always manipulating you. However they may have been manipulating you if they continue to deny things and put blame on you. Even if they say they didn’t do anything wrong.

If you feel stuck on what you should do next allow yourself to assess if you feel safe, trust and able to express yourself in the relationship. Learn more about setting boundaries in a relationship. Reach out to someone you trust. You don’t have to know if your being gaslit or not to reach out for help.

Affiliate disclosure: This article includes an affiliate link. Clearer Connections may earn a commission if you buy through it, at no extra cost to you. If you would like a guided reflection tool to use alongside these conversations, explore the Relationship Rewrite Method.

How to Respond When a Partner Denies or Twists What Happened

No set phrase will get someone to hear you after they have denied or altered something that occurred. Decide what you feel comfortable saying.

Pause and Take Time to Think

If you can walk away from the situation give yourself time to think about what you want to say. “I need some time to think about this.” Can allow you to gather your thoughts and decide if you want to speak about this further.

If your partner does not allow you to leave or become more hostile when trying to give yourself time think about your safety.

Keep Notes Only If It Is Safe

It may be helpful to write down your experience after the event has occurred. This can include dates and information that you can recall. Make sure your partner does not have access to these if they may look through your phone or belongings.

You do not have to document your experience. Speak with someone you trust if you need assistance.

Set a Clear Boundary

A boundary tells others what you will do. You cannot control how another person reacts. “I will talk about this if you will talk to me in a respectful manner. Otherwise, I am walking away from this discussion.”

There is no way to ensure someone will change their actions, but you can let them know what you will do. Customize these scripts to fit your situation. Do not use if it may escalate danger.

Talk With Someone You Trust

It can be helpful to talk to a friend, family member, counselor, or domestic violence advocate. Find someone who will not try to convince you to stay, leave, or stand up to your partner, or make decisions that you are not ready to make.

A good counselor can help you figure out what you want to do. If there is fear, control, or abuse in the relationship, talking to someone individually may be better. You want to feel safe and have someone to talk to.

When to Seek Help or Make a Safety Plan

If you feel like you are scared of your partner, watched, or not allowed to say no, or if they are threatening you, controlling your finances or communication, following you around, and trying to get you to cut ties with people who care about you, these are all reasons to get help. You don’t have to wait until you are physically hurt.

A safety plan can help you create ways to become safer. This can include finding someone you trust, identifying where you would go, and determining what steps you can take to become safer. Learn more about creating a safety plan and how to reach out to an advocate through The Hotline’s website.

The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 800-799-SAFE (7233). You can also learn more on The Hotline’s Get Help Page. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.

If you believe you are being watched on your phone or computer, it may be best to find another device that is safe. Learn more about steps you can take, but remember to do what is safe for your situation. You can always reach out to an advocate for help.If you think your phone or browsing may be monitored, consider using a safer device if possible. Avoid steps that could increase risk without considering your circumstances. An advocate can help you think through your options.

Frequently Asked Questions

Can Someone Gaslight Without Realizing It?

Someone may deny or make false claims about a situation without meaning to harm another. Look at the behavior and what it is doing to you. Does the person learn and grow from it?

Is Gaslighting the Same as Lying?

Lying is stating something that is not true. Gaslighting can involve someone continuously lying to another, causing that person to lose trust in their memory or thoughts. Someone may lie, but that does not mean they are gaslighting another.

Can a Relationship Recover From Gaslighting?

If someone realizes what they did and grows from it, your relationship may be able to recover. Remember, if someone just says they will change, they may not follow through. You do not have to stay in a relationship if you feel unsafe.

How Can I Tell If I’m Being Gaslit?

Are they constantly denying things, blaming you for situations, or attacking your memory? If you walk away from most conversations feeling confused or unsure about something, or if you are wondering if your ex was gaslighting you or if they made you doubt your memory, speak to someone you trust or seek professional help. Just because someone had a different memory than you does not mean they were gaslighting you.

What I take away is that you don’t need the perfect label or even necessarily a comprehensive explanation before you ask for help. You can be aware of how the relationship affects you, take things one step at a time, and choose your next step for the safest option.

Conclusion: Gaslighting Examples in Relationships

There are many gaslighting examples in a relationship. Someone may deny something they did or try to put blame on another. Having one different memory does not mean someone is gaslighting you. Look at the behavior as a whole and what it is doing to you.

Remember, you don’t have to know what you are going through before reaching out. Speak to someone you trust or a domestic violence advocate if you feel like you are being controlled or confused most of the time. Call 911 if you are in immediate danger.

Learn more about learning to communicate in your relationship and figure out what,s going on. Check out Relationship Rewrite for more info. Here is where you can learn about pricing and programs. If there is any form of abuse or danger please seek help. Courses are not meant to take the place of that.