How to Communicate Better in a Relationship: 7 Habits, Examples, and Simple Scripts

It’s not about learning fancy words to speak or communicating with your partner. It’s about making simple conversations seem easier and more open for both partners.

Here are some ways on how to communicate better in a relationship: Learn to listen and express your needs. Learn to ask questions and prevent yourself from jumping into arguments over minor things. By learning these tips, your daily conversations will be more beneficial, stopping something small before it escalates.

Below are just examples. You can change them to better suit your relationship.

A gentle reminder before we begin: You don’t have to know all the right things to say. Be patient with each other and be curious about what they may think or feel. This will allow you to feel more connected to that person, even if you don’t agree on everything.

Key takeaways

• Allows both you and your partner to communicate what they want to say.
• Try to understand what your partner is trying to tell you.
• State how you feel and what you need from your partner.
• Ask questions rather than assuming what they may mean.
• Communicate with one another often.

What does healthy communication look like in a relationship?

Healthy communication involves both parties sharing. It can be as simple as a thought or something you need from the other person. There should be no teasing or shutting each other down, or expecting the other person to know what you are thinking. There should be no “winner” in this scenario, just what the other person is trying to convey to you and what you both can do about it, if anything.

There will be some things that don’t come easily to you. Perhaps you like different things or don’t understand each other. When you can open up to each other, it’s beneficial to ask each other questions.

Communicate with each other and take the time to speak about other things as well. According to the American Psychological Association, you should do this. You can hold things in, but it may cause resentment. You don’t have to like everything, but some things you can tell them. (American Psychological Association, “Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy”) (APA, “Happy couples: How to keep your relationship healthy”)

1. Listen to understand, not to prepare your reply

Listening is key in any relationship. Once someone starts talking about something, it’s easy to want to interject, tell them why you’re right, or give them a solution. Sometimes this can cause you to not hear what the other person is trying to say.

Try to listen for what your partner is explaining, what they feel about it, and if there is anything they want you to do about it. You don’t have to know the answer to every question or agree with what they’re saying. Just listen.

One way to do this is to let your partner finish what they have to say. Wait a moment and address what you heard them say. Turn off electronics if possible. If you find your mind drifting, focus back on what your partner is saying.

Here’s an example: If your partner says, “I felt alone doing all the chores this weekend,” you shouldn’t jump in and tell them all the chores you did. Take a moment and ask them, “Do you feel like you had too many things to do?”

Once they answer that, you can listen to what they may want you to do about it. If you are unsure, ask them, “Do you just want me to listen, or do you want us to find a solution?”

By showing your partner that you are paying attention to what they are saying, you can better understand what they may be trying to tell you.

Hypothetical example: Your partner says, “I felt alone handling all the errands this weekend.” Instead of listing the errands you did, pause and say, “It sounds like you felt you were carrying too much of it. Is that right?”

Then listen to the answer. If you are unsure what your partner wants, ask: “Would it help most if I listened, or would you like us to make a plan?”

2. Say what you need without turning it into blame

Telling your partner what you need can be difficult. Sometimes we feel as if they aren’t doing what we expect or don’t care about us. Saying things like “you never” or “you don’t” can hurt your relationship.

Let your partner know what they can do to fix the problem. Explain what is happening and what you want them to do about it. Keep it simple and short so your partner understands what you’re asking of them.

A simple script:

“I feel ___ when ___ happens. Could we ___?”

Hypothetical example: “”I feel stressed when we wait until the last minute to decide what we want to do for the weekend. Can we find time on Friday to pick something?”

Again, this isn’t a demand. Your partner may not agree with you, but you’ve stated what you want, so you can work together to find a solution.

The University of San Diego Student Wellness recommends using “I” and “We” statements, listening to your partner, and being direct. These are some things you can use when communicating with your partner. (University of San Diego, “Communication“)

If you would like to learn more about Relationship Rewrite, click here. This will take you to their presentation. I am not making any promises on how this will help you or if it’s right for you.

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Instead of saying…	Try saying…
“You never listen to me.”	“I’d like to finish explaining before we decide what to do.”
“You don’t care about our time.”	“I’d like us to plan one evening together this week.”
“You always leave everything to me.”	“I’m feeling stretched. Could you take care of dinner tonight?”

Want to explore Relationship Rewrite? View its free presentation here. The link goes to the presentation page. I’m not making claims about the program’s results or whether it is right for you.

3. Ask instead of assuming

When you assume your partner isn’t answering your question, they may not understand what you’re asking, or they may not have something to say at that moment.

Ask a neutral question that they can answer. Don’t ask why they are ignoring you. You can ask them why they are being quiet or if they would like to talk about it later.

Also, ask what your partner needs from you. If they say they want more from you, ask them what they want from you in that situation. Maybe they want you to do something or spend more time talking to them.

You can also ask your partner these questions::

• “How can I help you feel better right now?”
• “What are you wanting me to understand?”
• “Do you want me to listen or help find a solution?”
• “Do you want to talk now or later?”

These are just some questions you can ask your partner to help with communication.

4. Allow each other to speak

Allow your partner to express themselves. You shouldn’t dominate every conversation or jump to a solution right away. Ask your partner if there is anything you should know before you explain something.

“I want to tell you how I see things, but I also want to hear your side.”

You don’t have to agree with each other, but allow each other to know what your feelings are about a situation.

If your partner struggles with opening up to you, try lowering the bar for them. Asking them how they feel about everything may be too much. Ask one question and allow them to answer.

Maybe tell them they can take their time to think about how they feel and that you’re there to listen if they need to talk. If your partner asks not to talk about something, respect that. Let them know you will talk about it later if they want to.

5. Bring up small concerns while they are still small

Sometimes it’s easier not to mention something. If it bugs you and you keep thinking about it, your partner may not know what you want from them.

What happened? What did you feel, and what do you want to ask your partner? Write it down if you need to. Then tell your partner what you need.

Hypothetical example: Let’s say you noticed that things are being scheduled, and you’re not aware. You can tell your partner that. “I know we both have busy schedules, but can you ask me before scheduling something for Saturday so I can give input on what we can do?”

Find a good time to talk about the issue at hand and if it’s something you feel your partner doesn’t respect your boundaries,check out our post on setting boundaries in a relationship offers more examples.

6. Check that you understood each other

Just because you both said the same thing doesn’t mean you understand each other. Make sure you understand what the other person is trying to say.

You can tell your partner what you think they are saying and let them know if you are wrong. Don’t try to parrot what they are saying back to you. Just verify that you understand.

Here are some ways to verify with your partner:

Try:

• “I think you want me to ask you before we schedule something. Am I right?”
• “When you said you want to spend more time with me, do you mean at home or going out?”
• “So I’m calling the repair shop, and you’ll pick up the groceries, is that right?”

If you don’t understand what your partner is trying to tell you, tell them you appreciate them clearing that up with you. You can also verify that they understand what you’re asking of them.

Try it in your next conversation: Pause, reflect back what you heard, and ask, “Did I understand you correctly?”

7. Make time for small conversations

You don’t have to sit down and have a long conversation with your partner. There are ways you can learn what’s on their mind by having a quick chat with them.

You can ask them how their day was or what they are focusing on right now. Spend some time talking to your partner. The American Psychological Association says to allow time to talk about things in your day.

You can do this when you’re walking, eating, or just hanging out. Ask your partner what they liked about their day or if there’s anything you can help them with.

Another idea is to have a weekly check-in with your partner. The Gottman Institute has a “State of the Union” meeting where partners discuss things they enjoyed, things that went well, and something they would like to work on.

You can create your own checklist to help you communicate with your partner. Here is a quick list you can use for a weekly check-in.

A simple weekly check-in

Find time to sit down and spend 15 minutes with your partner. Here are some things you can ask each other:

1. What did you like about this week?
2. What did you enjoy about spending time with your partner?
3. Is there one thing you would like to talk about?
4. What can your partner do to make you feel supported this week?

Allow each other to answer these questions. Keep your requests in mind and allow time for follow-up. If you don’t have any questions to discuss, enjoy your time with your partner.

If opening up feels difficult

There may be times when you can’t verbalize how you feel, or you’re not used to opening up to others.

Give your partner a little more information on what you want to talk about instead of asking multiple questions. You can say, “Would you like to talk about us splitting up the weekend?” You can also give them options for discussing the subject.

“If you don’t feel comfortable talking now, we can talk later.”

If you’re the one who can’t open up, write some notes down. Don’t worry about having the perfect words. You can say, “I don’t know how to express this, but I want to try.”

Once your partner opens up to you, don’t bombard them with more questions. Let them know you appreciate them sharing that with you, and ask them if there’s anything they want you to know. If you are stuck on the same subject, maybe ask your partner how they want you to help.

Put the habits into practice

Now that you know how to communicate with your partner, pick one thing you can do next time you talk to them.

Listen to what your partner has to say, or ask a question you can learn from your conversation.

Maybe you need more time to think about what you want to tell your partner, or you learned that your partner needs more detail when asking for something.

We hope you found these tips helpful on how to communicate with your partner. Here are some more posts you may enjoy reading.

This article focuses on everyday, low-conflict communication. For a separate guide to finding a texting rhythm that works for both partners, see our texting article. If a conversation has become a recurring argument, our guide to breaking the cycle of relationship arguments covers that situation.

How to Communicate Better in a Relationship – Conclusion

As you can see, there are many ways to communicate with your partner. Start with listening to what your partner is trying to tell you. Tell them what you need from them, and ask questions.

Remember to verify that you understand what each other is saying. Take the time to chat with your partner about their day.

You can learn more about healthy communication in relationships.

FAQs

What are some ways to communicate in a healthy relationship?

They both feel comfortable expressing their feelings, listening to each other, and asking questions. They may not always be in agreement but can show each other respect.

Tips for me to improve my communication?

Create a smaller task that you can easily accomplish. Eliminate distractions and talk for a brief amount of time. Ask a question or make one request.

How can I listen to my partner without formulating my response?

Allow them to finish what they have to say. Take a moment and respond to what you heard them say. Refocus if you catch yourself drifting from what they said.

What can I do to voice my needs without attacking my partner?

Let them know how you feel and make a request. “I feel overwhelmed when we make decisions at the last minute. Can we try to decide sooner?”

How can we understand what the other person is trying to tell us?

Tell them what you think they are saying and see if you are correct. Have them do this as well for your request.

My partner has difficulty opening up. What should I do?

Ask one question that may help. Give them time and do not expect them to answer you right away. Maybe ask to revisit the subject in the future.

How do I address minor issues?

Pick one issue that you would like to talk about. Tell them what happened and how it made you feel. Then make a small request.

How can we take time to check in with each other?

Decide on a small time frame that you can use. Here are some questions to help you get started. Allow each other to stop and continue at a later time.

One last thought: You do not have to change every communication habit at once. Try one small step in your next conversation, and let that be enough for now. Being curious about each other is a good place to begin.