How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship With an Ex

How to rebuild trust in a relationship: Reuniting can give you hope; however, it will not fix the problems that led to your breakup. You may both need time and to show trust to each other to know that your partner will not hurt you again.

To rebuild trust in a relationship, you must learn what you did to break it. Once you understand this, you can work on what you both need to do differently. When trying to regain trust from your ex, it’s not about ignoring what happened in the past. It’s about learning if you can create something different.

If you are still deciding whether reconnecting is right for you, start with these questions to ask before getting back with an ex.

A note for you: You can feel hopeful about trying again and still be cautious. You don’t have to rush to trust someone or prove the reunion will work. Take it one honest conversation and one small step at a time.

Key Takeaways

• Getting back together does not automatically restore trust.
• Focus on the specific behavior that caused hurt, not on winning an argument.
• Make clear, mutual agreements you can both follow.
• Look for consistent actions over time, not only an apology.
• If you feel afraid, controlled, or unsafe, put safety first. Reconciliation is not the goal at any cost.

Can you trust your ex again if you get back together?

It depends. If you both are willing to work on your relationship, communicate what went wrong, and learn how to not repeat those things in the future, you can build trust.

It may not work out. You may miss your ex or feel like things can work, but that doesn’t fix the original issue. Ask yourself these questions:

• Why did we break up?
• Have we learned from our mistakes?
• What would each of us need to know to feel more secure?
• Can we discuss this without being cruel to each other, threatening one another, or trying to force each other?

The first thing you should do is identify the issue. “We broke up because we never kept our plans and didn’t communicate well.” This allows you to work on something specific. “You never loved me” isn’t going to help you figure out what to do.

Some issues may require you to proceed with caution. According to the CDC, there are different types of abuse that can happen in a relationship: physical and sexual violence, stalking, and psychological aggression. If any of these applied to your relationship, please don’t follow these steps.

How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship?

Take your time when figuring out what you’re getting into. You don’t have to jump into old habits or declare that you’re going to be together forever.

1. Talk about why the relationship ended

Allow each other to speak about what they believe happened and what they could do differently if they were to get back together. Separate fact from fiction.

Hypothetical example: “I felt that I wasn’t important to you when you canceled our plans at the last minute.” “I understand that you would feel that way. I’ll let you know earlier if my plans change.”

You don’t have to agree on everything that happened, but you should be able to hear what each other has to say and discuss how you can better your relationship.

2. Agree on a pace that feels comfortable to both of you

Maybe one of you wants to jump back into acting like a couple. Maybe you aren’t ready just yet. Discuss what works for you now, and you can always revisit that topic.

3. Make the choice mutual

Don’t put all the effort on one person to build trust while the other sits back. You both should be comfortable expressing what you need from one another.

If you are still processing the breakup, it may help to read about the stages of breakup grief. Your feelings can be mixed, even when you both choose to try again.

How can you discuss the hurt without restarting the same argument?

Pick one thing to discuss at a time. Do not bring up every argument that has happened. Come to an agreement that you will take a break when things get out of hand. Set a time limit.

APA’s Healthy Relationship guide suggests taking time to communicate with your partner lovingly about any problems that arise. Love Is Respect offers similar advice on how to resolve conflicts respectfully.

You can start by saying something like:

“I want us to understand what happened, not blame each other. When [specific event] happened, I felt [feeling]. What I need now is [specific request]. Are you willing to talk about that?”

The person who is listening can say something like this:

“Let me check that I understand. You felt [feeling] when [event] happened. Is that right?”

These are just suggestions. If your argument begins to consist of insults, threats, or dismissive comments, take a break from your argument. You can say something like:

“I want to keep talking, but not while we’re this upset. Can we take a break and come back to this at [time]?”

Taking a break is most effective if you both know when you will continue the argument. If not, your partner may feel as though you are ignoring them, and you may believe the argument is over.

What specific actions help rebuild trust over time?

Doing simple tasks that you have both agreed to will help regain trust. Know what you did wrong and come up with tasks that will better the situation. Don’t make promises if you both won’t know what to do about them.

Some things that you can do are:

• Stick to what you have planned to do. If plans change, let your partner know.
• Know what you can give your partner. Don’t tell them, “I will never hurt you again.” Tell them what you will not do.
• Talk to your partner when you are having issues. It’s better to ask small questions than let anger build.
• When you mess up, apologize to your partner. Hear what they have to say and tell them what you will do next.
• Allow each other some privacy. Trust doesn’t mean you have to know your partner’s password or phone.

One helpful distinction is the difference between trust-building and trust-monitoring.

Affiliate disclosure: I may earn a commission if you purchase through this link, at no extra cost to you.

Trust-building	Trust-monitoring
Both people agree on what information to share	One person demands constant access or proof
Actions match clear agreements over time	Reassurance is demanded again and again without a plan
Each person can ask questions and set limits	Rules become punishment, pressure, or control
Both people keep room for privacy and independence	One person’s freedom depends on the other’s approval

If you’d like to explore Relationship Rewrite, view the presentation here and decide whether it fits what you’re looking for.

What boundaries or agreements do you want to set?

They should be something that both parties can agree to. Be honest with yourself if they are attainable. Boundaries are things that you want or will do. They aren’t there to dictate what your partner does.

Some things you could agree on:

• If plans change, how do we act?
• What does each other think is respectful when arguing?
• Will you talk about past relationships, and what might that look like?
• How often do you want to see each other?
• What do you both need from each other to move forward with the relationship?

Hypothetical script:

“I’m okay with us rebuilding slowly. I’m not okay with yelling or name-calling. If that starts, I’ll pause the conversation and come back when we’re both calm.”

For more ideas, see this guide to setting healthy relationship boundaries.

When someone has wronged you, how should you respond to their apology?

Your doubt may creep back in at some point. A regression does not mean that your relationship will never get better. Just be mindful of how both parties act compared to before.

Ask yourself:

• Why am I feeling doubtful again?
• Do I need to address something that is newly happening, or is my brain just remembering the past?
• How can I feel more comfortable with this person, knowing what they did?
• What can we both do moving forward?

Someone can apologize to you, and that’s a positive sign. However, they still need to show a change in behavior. You can ask them what they think you need from them next.

“I thank you for your apology. But if you could just inform me when your plans change that would be great. Can you promise to do that? I’ll bring it up again at the end.”

Can they tell you what they did wrong? Are they able to hear how you felt about what they did? Can they agree to something beneficial to both parties? And can you continue to work with your partner? No one should expect trust to come back in a timely fashion.

What are some signs your relationship is getting healthier?

You can look at these patterns and see if they are continuing.

Signs of a healthier pattern may include:

• You’re both comfortable telling each other things that aren’t right.
• Agreements are met, or if they aren’t, you’re able to discuss that with each other.
• They can say “I’m sorry” and follow through on that.
• Neither of you are sacrificing your friendships or sense of privacy.
• You continue to discuss an issue but hear each other out.

If you notice lies continuing, telling you to just get over it, threatening, isolating, or spying on your partner, these are all signs to be aware of. Here is a list of warning signs from the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Remember, if you are scared to speak your mind or say no, then it’s not healthy for you to continue working on this with your partner.

Conclusion: Rebuilding trust takes steady choices

So, as you can see, there are many steps to rebuilding trust with your ex. It’s important to know what happened and what you need from this point forward. Discuss one issue at a time. Have mutual boundaries and continue to monitor if those are being kept.

Don’t feel pressured to trust someone or pretend that you’re not doubtful. Allow your relationship to grow and stay safe.

One last note: Remember, you don’t have to always try with your partner. If you’re feeling that your relationship isn’t healthy for you, you can always ask for help and decide not to continue.

FAQs

How to Rebuild Trust in a Relationship with your Ex?

You can rebuild trust with your ex by understanding what you both need. After you have gotten back together, there may still be some trust that needs to be worked on.

How long does it take to rebuild trust?

No timeline can answer this question. Make sure you’re both communicating what you need and are acting in those ways.

Should I give my password to my ex?

This may be something that works for some couples. Just be aware that you should not feel pressured to do anything.

What if my ex says they’re sorry but they don’t change?

Tell them you appreciate the apology and what you need from them. If the situation continues to occur, you may want to reevaluate your relationship.

We keep arguing about the same thing.

Make sure you’re discussing one issue at a time and can communicate about that. If you’re continuing to circle back to the same thing, evaluate if you’re both trying to hear each other out. If not, your relationship may be unhealthy.

A final reminder: You deserve honesty, respect, and care in the relationship you’re rebuilding. Notice whether those things show up in everyday actions, and give yourself permission to make choices based on what you experience.