The Stages of Breakup Grief: What to Expect and How to Move Forward

There will be days when you feel like you can’t go on. Then that night you hear your favorite song, and it hits you.

You can love your ex, hate what happened, and know you need to be over them all at once. It’s hard when you feel like you should be further along in your journey.

The stages of breakup grief can describe some of those feelings. They aren’t something you go through or have a timeline for.

There are many things that you may grieve when you lose someone: not only that person but memories and even the life that you knew.

Knowing this can allow you to decide what to do next without feeling as if you’re behind.

A note for you: So maybe you are scrolling through old texts or wondering if you should message him. You don’t have to figure everything out tonight. You can miss someone and be unsure of what to do next. Just live life one day at a time. Pick something that will make you feel better about yourself tonight.

Key Takeaways

• You may experience some of these emotions after a breakup.
• They can all happen at once, or you may never experience some of them.
• No one has a timeline for how long breakup grief lasts.
• Just because you miss your ex does not mean you should get back together.
• Establish boundaries. Have a routine. Having people you trust to talk to will help with your day-to-day life.
• If you feel like you can’t function in your daily life, you may want to seek help from a professional.

What Are the Stages of Breakup Grief?

There are five typical stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced this idea in her 1969 book On Death and Dying. She was studying terminally ill individuals, so these stages were not originally created for breakups.

However, we now use them to represent other types of losses.

Just because there are commonly accepted stages doesn’t mean they all happen in order. Researchers Margaret Stroebe, Henk Schut, and Kathrin Boerner reviewed the data on stages of bereavement and found no conclusive evidence. This article was about grief from death, not breakups.

When it comes to breakups, keep these in mind as feelings you may experience.

You may feel acceptance before anger, or relieved instead of denied. Many emotions can occur within the same day.

All of this is normal when you’re going through a breakup.

Why Do Breakups Hurt So Much?

Your significant other could have been someone you saw daily. Maybe you relied on them emotionally or were building a future together. When you lose that, it can affect multiple areas of your life.

According to attachment theory, if a person has been your source of security, then feeling distance from them can cause you to yearn for them and want to feel close to them again.

Your brain can also play a role when it comes to rejection.

A 2011 study on rejection and pain involved 40 subjects who had all experienced an unwanted breakup. After performing certain tasks, they showed similar results to physical pain in specific areas of the brain.

This is not to say that heartbreak is the same as physical pain.

Another study looked at 15 people who had recently been rejected and were still in love with their partner. Helen Fisher and her team found increased activity in certain parts of the brain.

Again, these studies had very few participants. They don’t tell us that your body goes into a dopamine/oxytocin crash when you get your heart broken.

But know that what you’re feeling can be painful.

Breakup Grief at a Glance

These are examples, not diagnostic criteria or a required order.

Possible reaction	What it might look like	A practical response
Shock or denial	Expecting a message; feeling numb	Focus on immediate needs and known facts
Anger	Replaying unfair moments	Express feelings without harmful actions
Bargaining	Thinking one change could fix everything	Separate longing from evidence of change
Sadness	Missing routines and shared plans	Keep basic care and support within reach
Acceptance	Making plans without your ex	Build a life that reflects your needs

Affiliate disclosure: I may earn a commission if you purchase through the following link, at no extra cost to you.

Optional resource: If you are curious about the Relationship Rewrite Method, you can review the details here. Read the information and decide whether it fits your situation. This is not a clinical treatment recommendation or a promise of reconciliation.

Five Common Experiences After a Breakup

1. Shock and Denial: “This Cannot Be Happening”

You know what’s happening but still think your normal will continue.

You grab your phone, begin thinking about what you’re doing together, then realize. Feel calm or have no emotion at all.

When something drastic happens to you, your body can react like this.

Know what you know for sure: Your relationship is over. You don’t know what’s next for you yet.

Pick one thing to focus on: Eat a meal, reach out to someone, decide where you’ll be sleeping tonight.

“I know that _____. I’m hoping _____ will change.”

Don’t feel pressured to have an emotional response.

2. Anger and Blame: “How Could This Happen?”

You may feel angry towards your ex, yourself, or both.

Feeling like your partner didn’t keep promises. Embarrassed by what you put into the relationship. Some people find anger easier to deal with than sadness.

There is nothing wrong with feeling these emotions. Just try not to act on them.

Go for a walk. Speak to someone you trust. Write what you’d say to your ex (do not send). Don’t threaten, post about your ex online, or continue to reach out when told not to.

What are you angry at? Was there something that they did to cross a line? Maybe you didn’t feel valued. Something you learned from this experience?

Reflection prompt: “What did they do to upset me? What do I need from now on to not allow this to happen?”

You do not have to forgive someone on demand.

3. Bargaining: “What If I Did Things Differently?”

Many times we bargain with what we could’ve done.

“If I just tell them I love them more, they’ll understand.”

“If I hadn’t done that, we could’ve fixed things.”

It’s okay to reflect on what went wrong. However, if you constantly think of “what ifs,” you’re not focusing on your actual relationship.

Make sure something changed before you contact your ex. You both may just be lonely and miss one another. There could be underlying issues that need to be addressed first.

Check out our article “Should I Get Back With My Ex? 7 Questions to Ask First” to learn what questions you should ask yourself.

Reflection prompt: “What issues will we have if we get back together?”

Allow your ex time and space if they ask for it.

4. Sadness and Loss: “I Miss the Life We Had”

You may miss little things such as your weekend routine or having someone to share your day with.

Maybe you lost a home, money, friends, or are co-parenting your children.

Some people may use the term depression during this stage. It’s not always clinical depression.

Break down what you need. Maybe you just need someone to talk to. Take some time to rest. Get financial help.

Reflection prompt: “What do I miss today? Who can help me with that need?”

You can mourn the loss of your relationship even if breaking up was best for you.

5. Acceptance and Rebuilding: “This Happened, and I Can Choose My Next Step”

Just because you accept your ex isn’t coming back doesn’t mean you agree with everything that happened.

Knowing your relationship is over means you can move forward with your life.

You may still miss your ex. Cry for them. But you can make decisions that don’t involve them.

Maybe you redecorate your house. See friends you haven’t talked to in a while. Or do something you enjoy that you stopped doing.

Reflection prompt: “What do I want to do in my life moving forward?”

You can accept your relationship is over and still feel sad.

Why Healing Does Not Follow a Straight Line

You may have a great week and then have a bad day.

Whether it’s your ex’s birthday, seeing a place that reminds you of them, hearing news about your ex, or no reason at all.

Instead of asking why you’re at the beginning again, ask what caused you to feel this way today.

Small changes you may notice:

• Checking your phone less.
• Bouncing back quicker.
• Asking for help when you need it.
• Making one decision that you enjoy.

Everyone will have different timelines when it comes to grieving a breakup. It can depend on many factors such as the situation you’re in, financial stress, past relationships, and the support you have around you.

Try not to base your healing off how you feel that day. Are you taking care of yourself more while feeling those emotions?

How to Move On After a Breakup: Practical Ways to Support Yourself

These are options, not a proven recovery formula. Choose what fits your circumstances.

Set Boundaries Around Contact

Mute pages, delete messages, or restrict your contact with your ex. If they continue to bring you down, limit how often you see their posts or texts.

A simple script might be:

“I need time away from you. Only reach out if we need to sort through our things.”

Having kids or jobs that you share may require you to stay in contact with your ex. When this is the case, try to limit how much you communicate.

Read more about how to create boundaries in your relationship.

Setting boundaries with your ex should help you take care of yourself and not force them back into your life.

Name the Feeling and the Need

Get more detailed with how you are feeling.

I can’t deal with this. → I feel lonely and need someone to spend time with.

“I feel like I’m being rejected, and I need comfort.”

Once you know how you are feeling, you can work towards getting that need fulfilled.

If you’re thinking about reaching out to your ex, ask yourself what you want from that message. Is there another way to get that need met?

Keep Basic Routines Small

Don’t try to overhaul your entire life. Just do what you can to take care of yourself.

Try to eat, drink water, and get a decent amount of sleep. Exercise if you can.

Take something you did together and make it something you enjoy by yourself. Maybe you called each other at night; start calling a friend. Go somewhere different on Sundays.

Try not to rely on alcohol or drugs to get through your day.

Practice Balanced Self-Talk

We tend to make statements that are very black and white when going through a breakup.

I messed up. → I’m terrible at everything.

My ex left me. → I will never be loved.

“This relationship didn’t work out. It’s sad but doesn’t dictate who I am as a person.”

A study by Sbarra, Smith, and Mehl studied 109 individuals that were in the process of divorcing. The results showed that the more self-compassion that was displayed, the lower the levels of distress related to the separation.

This isn’t to say that doing these exercises will allow you to get over your ex faster. But remember not to put yourself down.

Ask for Specific Support

Ask others to help you with what you need.

“Can you come over and eat dinner with me?” “Will you just listen to me and not tell me to call my ex?”

Some people will be able to fulfill certain needs, and others won’t.

There is no need for everyone to understand why you are hurting.

Journaling Prompts: Helpful for Some, Not Required

These can be helpful for some people. But don’t feel like you need to write about your feelings all the time.

A study done on expressive writing and marriage separation found that participants who searched for meaning in their life after separation were more likely to experience negative effects from expressive writing than the control group.

So don’t feel pressured to write about your breakup. But if you want to, here are some questions you can ask yourself:

• What am I not allowing myself to think about?
• What boundary do I need to set?
• What were some of the issues in my relationship?
• What do I want to establish as a habit?
• What have I learned about what I need?

If you find yourself journaling and becoming more upset or thinking about events over and over, stop. Make a list of things to do or talk to your therapist about it.

When to Seek Professional Support

You should never have to reach your breaking point to ask for help.

Talk to a mental health provider if you’re finding it hard to function, whether that’s at work or school, or with sleeping or even taking care of yourself.

This includes feeling hopeless more often than not, using drugs/alcohol to cope, or not being able to handle your day-to-day tasks.

The National Institute of Mental Health states that depression is characterized by having a depressed mood or loss of interest in activities most of the time for two or more weeks that affects your everyday functioning.

You don’t have to meet this timeframe to end a relationship and grieve it. A mental health professional can help determine what you may be experiencing.

If you are having suicidal ideation or thoughts of self-harm, please reach out for help right away. Call or text 988 in the U.S., or 911 if there is danger to your life. Outside of the U.S., please reach out to your country’s hotline.

If your relationship included any sort of abuse or manipulation, please make a safety plan and reach out to specialists before trying to reconnect with your ex.

Mental health note: This information is not intended to diagnose or treat anyone with mental illness. Please seek help from a qualified professional if you find yourself struggling with symptoms that affect your daily life. Also, do not rule out serious illness if you experience chest pains. Heartbreak can cause this, but don’t assume.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long does it take to get over a breakup?

No one can tell you a definitive timeframe. It can fluctuate throughout the days, weeks, or months after. Some complications will last longer than others. Learn what your body is telling you and ask for help if needed.

What is the worst stage of a breakup?

There is no “worst” stage. Some may struggle more during shock than others, and vice versa. Figure out what you’re struggling with currently.

Can I grieve my ex if I initiated the breakup?

Of course, you can! Just because you initiated doesn’t mean you didn’t form attachments to them. You can love them and know they weren’t right for you.

Why do I miss my ex if our relationship was unhealthy?

Maybe you miss the way they made you feel, or the relationship you thought you had. These feelings do not dictate that you should get back together. Think about all the negatives that came with the positives.

Will no contact work for everyone?

No contact can help some people, but it’s not a cure-all or a way to get your ex back. If you share a child or assets, you may need to communicate with them. Decide what works best for you.

If I’m having a good day, does that mean I didn’t love them?

Nope! You’re allowed to have good days. That doesn’t mean the relationship didn’t matter to you.

One last note: You don’t have to be fully healed to keep going. If today was hard, that doesn’t mean you’ve failed. And if you need support, it’s okay to ask for it.