I Miss My Ex: What to Do When the Feeling Hits

I miss my ex: Missing your ex can hit you at any time. You might listen to a song you used to enjoy together, reach for your phone at the end of the day, or there may not be a trigger at all. You just know that you’re missing them and wonder why.

You don’t need to figure that out today. Just because you’re missing your ex doesn’t mean that you broke up with them incorrectly or that you want to get back together. It also doesn’t mean you need to be past that point in your life. It simply means that you’re feeling something, and you can learn how to deal with it.

The following tips will help you when you’re missing your ex. There are many little things you can do to help calm yourself down, figure out what you’re missing, and determine what your next steps may be.

One gentle reminder before we begin: you do not have to turn this feeling into a verdict about your breakup. You can miss someone and still take your time deciding what comes next. If tonight feels hard, start with one simple question: what would make the next hour a little easier?

Key Takeaways

• Just because you miss your ex does not mean you should contact them.
• What is it about them that you miss? Try to figure that out first.
• Do something that will allow you to get past this moment.
• It’s okay to miss someone that you broke up with.
• You don’t have to make any big decisions when you’re feeling these emotions.

Why can missing your ex hit so suddenly?

When you’re with someone, you start to develop routines. Maybe you’d send them a text during your lunch break or watch something together in the evening. You may even have talked about each other’s days before falling asleep. Once that routine is broken, any small moment can remind you of what you no longer have.

Maybe you miss that person specifically, or maybe you miss having someone to talk to. You might miss the routine you built together or all of those plans you thought were ahead of you. All of these could be true at once.

Missing your ex all of a sudden doesn’t mean they miss you. It also doesn’t mean that you will get back together. It simply means something triggered you to think about your ex.

Learn more about why we feel certain ways after a breakup in The Stages of Breakup Grief. There’s no need to know all of these before deciding what you should do tonight.

First, give yourself a little room to choose

When you’re missing your ex, you’ll most likely feel the need to do something. Whether that’s reaching out to them or checking for signs that they miss you as well. Don’t beat yourself up for wanting to do these things, but allow yourself to think for a moment before acting on them.

This doesn’t mean you should never contact your ex again for a period of time. Just use this moment to reflect on what you want to do. Of course, if there is something urgent that you need to address, go ahead and do so. But if it’s simply because you’re missing your ex, try these steps.

1. Acknowledge what you’re feeling. “I’m missing my ex.” No judgment attached.
2. Ground yourself. Breathe deeply, stretch, or look around and name some objects in front of you.
3. Take one small step. Get some water, go outside, or reach out to a friend.

Here are some words you can say to yourself if this situation occurs.

“I’m missing my ex. I don’t have to fix this problem right now. I’ll take care of myself first.”

Again, you’re not trying to get yourself to stop missing your ex. You’re giving yourself a chance to think about what you want to do.

Ask yourself what you miss

“I miss my ex” is easy to say, but you can dig deeper and figure out exactly what you’re missing. Do you miss how funny they were? Maybe you miss having someone to talk to about things or knowing that on Fridays you’d do something. Asking yourself these questions can help you figure out what to do.

Try asking yourself one or two questions:

• What was going on when you started to miss your ex?
• What is it you’re missing right now?
• Are you missing something about your ex, a memory, or a habit you both shared?
• How can you fulfill one of those things tonight?

You aren’t trying to convince yourself that you don’t miss your ex. You’re learning about yourself in this moment. If you realize you just miss having someone to tell things to, you can call a friend. If you missed your Friday night routine, you can make a plan to do something else. It won’t take the place of your ex but can help you through the moment.

Moment	What you might notice	One small next step
A quiet evening	You miss having someone nearby	Ask a friend to talk or make a simple plan
A familiar song	You remember a shared moment	Let the memory pass, then choose what to listen to next
After a hard day	You want your old source of comfort	Write down what happened or contact someone you trust
Before a shared routine	You feel unsure what to do with the time	Choose one low-pressure activity for tonight

Affiliate disclosure: Clearer Connections might make a commission when you click the link below. There is no obligation to buy the product or it may not be for you.

Optional resource: Review the Relationship Rewrite presentation you should look through it and see if its right for you. Read up on the program and there terms.

Make a small plan for the next hour

Sometimes trying to come up with a large life plan when you’re feeling down can feel overwhelming. Don’t worry about planning out the rest of your life tonight. Decide what you want to do for the next hour.

Try to find something that takes your mind off things. Go for a walk, brew some tea, do laundry, tend to a houseplant, or watch your favorite show. Whatever activity you choose, just keep it simple. Don’t overthink it; pick something that will allow you to “show yourself you’re over it.”

Allow the feeling to exist. Maybe you want to journal about how you feel. Try writing an unsent letter to your ex. Keep it private and only share with yourself. No need to send it or try and put it into text form for them.

“What I would like to say to my ex is…

How I feel about the situation right now is…

What I can do to take care of myself tonight…”

Talk to someone. Maybe there is someone you trust you can talk to. You don’t have to tell them every detail. Ask if they want to hang out or even just have a friend around. Being specific with what you need from them may make it easier for them to help you.

Here are some tips from the CDC on how to cope with stress. They recommend that you take time for yourself. Journaling and going outside are also good ways to help with your stress levels. Speak to those you trust and feel comfortable talking to. Another helpful resource is from SAMHSA. Write or draw your emotions. Breathe deeply and contact loved ones that you trust. Of course, these tips won’t instantly get you past the feeling, but they can help.

If the feeling was triggered by a place or song, it’s okay to change your plans for that night. Drive home a different way or listen to different music. Maybe you will decide to drive there again or listen to that song down the road. You don’t have to push yourself through a trigger while you’re vulnerable.

Handle triggers without judging yourself

When you encounter a trigger, it can remind you of your ex. It can be anything from seeing a picture, a place you both went to, a day that’s coming up, or even your friends telling you about your ex. Remember these are just triggers and don’t mean you’ve failed and started back at square one.

Once you know what you’re feeling after encountering your trigger, try to come up with a plan that will benefit you. If your friend wants to tell you what your ex is doing and you don’t want to know, let them know:

“I’m not ready to know what my ex is doing right now. If there’s anything important, let me know, and don’t tell me anything unless I ask.”

Maybe you came across your ex on social media and find yourself wanting to continue looking at their profile. You can always close the app and decide what you want to do from there. We won’t go into more detail on how to stop checking your ex on social media. Here is a link to our article about How to Stop Checking Your Ex on Social Media.

If you were the one who ended the relationship

Just because you initiated the breakup doesn’t mean you won’t miss them. There may have been things that led you to break up, but you can still feel sorrow about aspects of the relationship you valued. You can miss them, question your decision, or remember the good times without meaning that your decision was wrong.

Maybe you miss having someone to talk to at the end of the day, or perhaps you grieve what could have been, even if you didn’t want the relationship as it was. All of this can coexist.

Don’t put yourself on trial every time you miss your ex. Instead of “Why do I miss them?” you can ask yourself, “What do I miss about my life?” You can then address that in a healthy way.

Ask for support in a way that feels manageable

It’s okay to not deal with everything yourself. Reach out and let someone know you need support. You can say something like:

“I’m feeling down tonight and would like company. Do you want to chat with me for a bit?”

You can even specify if you don’t want to talk about your breakup:

“I want to be distracted. Do you want to watch a movie or take a walk?”

You can tell your friend exactly what you need. “I need you to listen” or “Help me find something to do tonight.” Don’t assume they know what you’re going through.

Reach out to someone else if your first option isn’t available. Just because they haven’t replied yet doesn’t mean they don’t care about you. They may be busy.

Let bigger decisions wait until you can consider them clearly

You may want to reach out to your ex or reconcile. I’m not here to tell you what to do. You can list your questions and revisit them when you’re ready to think about your options.

What do you want from your decision? Maybe you want to relieve your loneliness. Do you need help with something? Do you want to apologize? Do you want to find out if your ex changed? These are all different questions to consider before you decide to take action.

If your ex told you not to reach out, then please don’t. There are situations where you shouldn’t reach out. Learn more about Should I Get Back With My Ex. If you’re thinking about texting your ex after no contact, check out What to Say to Your Ex After No Contact.

Affiliate disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link. If you purchase through this link, I may receive a commission at no cost to you.

If you would like to review another resource, you can read the Relationship Rewrite presentation. Read the details for yourself and decide whether you want to explore it. This is an optional resource, not a recommendation that you reconcile.

Only focus on one step

Remember, you only need to take one step at a time when you miss your ex. Be aware of how you’re feeling and think about what you may be missing. Take one action to take care of yourself and revisit when you need to.

You can continue to miss your ex. As the moment passes, you may feel better or the same. Remember to take care of yourself.

I hope you walked away from this article with one thing to do for yourself tonight. You can miss your ex and take care of yourself. Leave the big questions for another day.

FAQ

Can I miss my ex if I broke up with them?

Absolutely. There may be many reasons you broke up with your ex but still miss them or things you enjoyed in your relationship.

Should I reach out to my ex when I miss them?

Think about what you want from reaching out. Are they open to communication, or did they ask you not to? If your ex told you not to reach out, then please don’t. If they are open to it, this respectful guide to reconnecting walks through what to say first.

Why do I miss my ex at night?

You may have more free time to think about your ex or the routine you used to have with them. Reach out to a friend or do something you enjoy in the evening.

How long should I miss my ex?

As long as you need to. Reach out to friends or family that you trust. If this is impacting your life, you can speak to a therapist or other licensed mental health professional.