Feeling Lonely in a Relationship? What It Can Mean and What to Do

Feeling lonely in a relationship can be confusing. Maybe you love them, you have a life together, and yet something feels like it’s not there. It’s good to identify this feeling, but it won’t give you any answers on why or what you want to do about your relationship.

Identify what you are missing from your relationship. What is one thing you can ask of your partner, and what can you do to take that first step? They may see things differently than you, and it could take some time to speak with each other. Just know you don’t have to know all the right words.

Just remember while reading this: You’re not being needy or ungrateful for wanting more out of this area of your life. It’s okay to value how you feel about something and not punish yourself or try to jump to a solution.

Key Takeaways

• You can be lonely even when you’re with your partner.
• This can be a sign that you need more—attention, care, communication, help, or quality time spent with your partner. It doesn’t mean they are doing anything wrong.
• Ask yourself what you are missing at that moment or what type of connection you need. Then ask for it.
• Start with something small and simple. Ask to check in with each other or schedule some time together.
• See if both of you can talk about your needs and try. You don’t have to decide anything right now.

What feeling lonely in a relationship can look like

It’s possible you’re not feeling as close to your partner as you’d like, or you just may not feel like they understand you. You’re with each other a lot but never talk about anything deep. Maybe you feel like you’re talking to your significant other, but they just don’t understand what you’re trying to convey.

Maybe you shared with your partner about your day and something didn’t go well. Your partner responds by mentioning their phone, a chore they need to do, or switches topics. You both may not have done anything wrong, but you feel like you have to deal with it alone. You could also sit down after work, both glued to your phones and not speaking. Maybe you just want that extra minute of your partner’s attention.

You may miss physical contact with your partner, whether it’s a hug or holding hands while walking. Even a “how was your day” when they come home could mean something to you. You may just want to talk to your partner more. It doesn’t have to be deep, but you feel like you and your partner aren’t communicating. It can become very mundane, where one person has all of their appointments set up and the other goes to the store to pick up food. And that’s all your conversations consist of.

Your partner may want more time with you or less. Maybe they enjoy spending all of their free time doing something else, but you want more time together. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just because your partner wants to have time to themselves doesn’t mean they don’t love you. It all depends on what you both want out of a relationship.

Possible reasons you may feel disconnected

There are many reasons why you may feel lonely in a relationship. Here are some that may describe what you are feeling. These are not definitive answers as to why you feel this way. We can’t tell what your partner may be thinking or feeling.

You may not spend enough quality time with your partner. You could be spending a lot of time together, but it’s all about work, family members, eating, household chores, and maybe kids. You may not have the chance to talk to your partner about what’s been going on in your lives.

Something that you want may not be communicated to your partner. You may want your partner to give you a hug or talk to you more, but they don’t know that’s what you want. Maybe you told them you want to spend more time together, but you may need to be more specific about what you want.

You and your partner may enjoy different things. Some people like to talk about everything that’s going on in their day. Others may want to spend time doing an activity together. Maybe one likes to cuddle and the other doesn’t. It could be something that neither of you know how to incorporate into your relationship.

Maybe there is something going on in your life that is taking away from your relationship. It could be from work or family members. Maybe your partner is stressed out about something. You may understand why they are acting the way they are, but that doesn’t mean you’re not lonely. read the blog’s guide to healthy independence in a relationship for more context on making room for personal time and connection.

The American Psychological Association recommends regular check-ins and conversations beyond everyday logistics as ways couples can stay connected.”

Ask yourself what kind of connection you miss

Before telling your partner about how you’re feeling, try to pinpoint it a bit more. It’s okay if you can’t come up with an answer. Here are some questions to get you thinking:

• When do I feel alone? When eating? At night? After arguing? When I need someone to lean on?
• What would I like to see in that situation? Do I want them to care more? Ask a question? Show me affection? Help me out? Do something together?
• Can I think of one instance that happened recently? (Try not to list all the times they’ve done something you didn’t enjoy.)
• Would you like them to listen? Give you a response? Make plans with you? Be around?
• What can you ask for this week that will make you feel close to your partner?
• Are you leaving room to understand what your partner needs as well?

Here is a little chart to help determine if you spend enough time with your partner or if you just don’t feel close. Use this as a way to reflect on your situation, not as a measure.

What you notice	A question to consider	A small request to try
You spend time in the same space but rarely talk	What would help me feel more included?	Could we put our phones away for ten minutes after dinner?
Most conversations cover chores or plans	What would I enjoy sharing beyond logistics?	Could we take a short walk and catch up this week?
You want more closeness, while your partner wants space	What balance could respect both needs?	Could we plan one shared activity and keep another evening open?

Affiliate disclosure: This article includes an affiliate link. Clearer Connections may earn a commission if you make a purchase through it, at no extra cost to you.

If you would like to review the program’s own information, you can visit Relationship Rewrite here. This is an optional resource, not a promise of results or a recommendation that it is right for you.

Bring it up to your significant other.

Find a time when you can both be alone. Having this conversation when one of you is trying to leave will probably make both of you feel unsatisfied with how the conversation went. Maybe even just ask if it’s a good time or say that you want to talk later today. If your partner is tired or busy, tell them you will speak about it later.

When speaking about your need, try to keep it to just one thing. Explain what you have been feeling. Give an example and state your request that they can relate to. Don’t begin your conversation by assuming what your significant other feels. “You don’t care about me” assigns intent to them. “I enjoy spending time talking with you at night” allows your partner to know what experience you want to speak about.

“I’ve been feeling somewhat distant from you lately. Would you be open to talking this week and doing something together?” Change the wording to how you feel and your situation. You can even be more detailed and ask for time together with no cell phones or a walk on Saturday. This script will open up a conversation but may not solve your problem after one conversation.

Allow your significant other to respond. They may want to tell you something that you weren’t aware of, or they may ask what you mean. Or maybe they need more time to process. Just because you’re listening doesn’t mean you’re taking your need away. You can show interest in their thoughts and still let them know your needs. If the conversation is veering off-subject, bring it back to what you were hoping to speak about.

If you want more examples of making a clear request and listening to a partner, the blog’s guide to communicating better in a relationship offers additional scripts. You do not need to use a particular formula. Choose language that sounds natural and safe for you.

Try to describe one moment and make one clear request. For example:

• If you miss meaningful conversation: I miss having deeper conversations with you. Maybe we could go on a walk and talk?
• If you miss affection: I miss feeling close to you. Would you mind spending some time sitting with me tonight?
• If you want more time together but your partner needs space: I would like to spend more time with you, but I know you need your alone time. Can we find one night this week to hang out and leave one night open?

Ask for something that feels natural to you both. They may want something different or may need time to come up with something. All your asking is telling them what you feel is missing from your relationship and inviting a dialogue about it. Don’t expect it will solve your loneliness in one prompt.

Small ways to reconnect

You can start with something small. This will allow you to identify what works. By not feeling like you need to achieve something within a certain amount of time, you’ll have more freedom. Try to think of something that will work for the two of you. It’s not the biggest thing that will make a difference. It’s the thing that feels nice and you will want to continue.

Allow yourself some time to have a small conversation. Maybe you can ask one question at breakfast or on your walk that day. “What have you been thinking about lately?” Allow yourself to listen to what they have to say. You don’t need to help them work through anything or ask every question listed here. You are trying to find out more about each other’s lives than just “here’s my schedule for the week.”

Pick something to do together that you both enjoy. This could be making dinner, going out for coffee, gardening, binge-watching a show, or even going for a walk. It doesn’t need to be a fancy date night or outing. Something you can commit to if you’re busy may be better than something you know you won’t have time to do.

Ask what you want to be shown. Everyone interprets “show me more affection” differently. Ask them to give you a hug when they greet you, sit closer on the couch, or hold hands when walking. Have your partner tell you what types of affection they would enjoy receiving as well. Again, this isn’t about pressuring your partner to touch you or showing that they love you by being more physical.

Have some alone time too. If one of you likes to spend more time together and one likes to have time for themselves, try to make a plan to have some of both. Maybe pick one night to do something together and leave the other night open to do whatever you please. Everyone’s needs are different, and there is no magic hour you should spend with your partner to feel connected.

See what you learn from the experiment. Did you feel connected during your conversation? Was it something that you can fit into your life? Did it cause stress or did one of you feel neglected? Change the experiment as needed. Remember, it’s just that: an experiment to learn from. There is no pressure to continue doing something you didn’t feel connected over.

It takes both parties to stay connected in a relationship. You can ask for something and explain why you feel lonely. But you can’t force a connection if you’re doing all the legwork. Look at what your partner is doing as well. Are they showing that they care and want to learn more about why you’re feeling lonely?

If the loneliness continues

There are times that you will feel lonely in your relationship. If you’ve opened up to your partner about your feelings and nothing has changed, maybe step back and look at the situation. Is your partner aware of your loneliness and understands that it’s important to you (even if they don’t view it the same way)? Are you able to have the conversation again? Are you both taking steps to feel less lonely, or is it always you that’s bringing it up? Use these questions to better understand your situation.

If your partner doesn’t want to talk about it, let them know that you understand that they aren’t ready to talk about it right now. See if they will want to continue the conversation in the future. Sometimes people need time to process things before they want to dive deeper. Make sure you’re not feeling pressured into staying with someone who won’t meet you halfway.

If you feel unsafe talking to your partner about something that’s bothering you, please seek help from a trusted individual or local resource that can help you in your situation. Use whatever form of technology that you feel most comfortable using. You deserve to receive help from others that will meet you where you’re at.

if you’re here, you can take something away from this that allows you to have a bit more air. You don’t have to have all the right words or know what to do. Identify what you may be missing and take one step towards that, at a rate that feels comfortable to you.

FAQs

Are you able to feel lonely in a relationship?

Yes, you can. Just because you are around someone doesn’t mean you feel like you’re being listened to, cared for, loved, or involved. Try to figure out what you may be missing instead of just focusing on how much time you are around them.

If I’m feeling lonely, does that mean my relationship isn’t working?

No, not necessarily. Feeling lonely is a feeling that can be analyzed to find what’s causing it and then act upon that information. Take note of how often this is occurring and maybe address what you may be needing from your partner if you’re comfortable doing so.

How can I express to my partner that I feel lonely?

Express how you’ve been feeling and ask for what you want. Maybe, “I feel like we haven’t had time to talk lately. Can we go on a walk together this week?” Change the sentence to what works for you. There’s no need to put blame on your partner.

My partner likes to spend more time alone than I do.

Maybe you two can communicate what you both enjoy doing when spending time with each other and what you both like to do alone. You could come up with a solution that benefits you both, or continue to talk about it.

What if I already told my partner and they did nothing?

Take note and figure out what would work best for you in that situation. Maybe talk to them about it again, or speak to someone you know, or get professional help.