Questions to Ask Before Marriage: Important Conversations for Couples

Questions to Ask Before Marriage: There are many questions to ask before marriage that you and your partner can use to better understand one another.

You don’t have to agree on every question. These questions aren’t meant to have a right or wrong answer. They are just meant to open up dialogue and allow you both to learn more about each other.

Here at Clearer Connections, we know that you won’t know all of your answers before getting married. It’s about learning to listen to each other and allowing the questions to flow. Don’t stress about figuring everything out in one conversation. Pick one question and dig deeper into your relationship.

Key Takeaways

• Pick a couple of questions to ask at once.
• You don’t have to go over all of them.
• Why someone answered how they did can also be asked.
• Some things will come with different answers but can be talked out.
• Come back to them later or see a premarital counselor.

Instead of treating the questions like…	Try using them as…
A test with right and wrong answers	An opening for honest conversation
A promise that nothing will change	A way to learn what matters now
A checklist to finish in one night	Topics you can revisit together

Affiliate disclosure: This article includes an affiliate link. Clearer Connections may earn a commission if you buy through it, at no extra cost to you. If you would like a guided reflection tool to use alongside these conversations, explore the Relationship Rewrite Method.

20 Questions to Ask Before Marriage, Grouped by Topic

Questions include examples of how to ask them and follow-up questions you can use. You can change the wording to fit your style. The answers shown are what two people may say, not who is correct.

1. Values and Future Plans

You may gain your values from family, your culture, religion, or what you have experienced and/or hope to accomplish. You don’t have to value the same things, but it’s good to know what some of those are. Talking about healthy relationships can also help you learn what you want to build with your partner.

1. What does a strong marriage look like to you?
Try saying: “How do you want your marriage to feel on a day-to-day basis?”
Different answers might sound like: They may say they want to check in with each other often. You may value trusting each other and doing your own things.
Follow-up: “What can you do to make sure you feel connected and valued?”

2. What kind of life do you hope we’ll build together?
Try saying: “I want to know what you want to happen when we are married.”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe one wants to live close to family. You want to move away for a job.
Follow-up: “What are some things that are most important to you? What can change?”

3. Which values do you want to guide our decisions?
Try saying: “What values do you want to remember when making decisions?”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe you value being stable and giving to others. They want to value themselves and help others.
Follow-up: “”How can we apply those to decisions we may have to make?”

4. Are there goals or beliefs you expect may change over time?
Try saying: “There are some things in life that can change; what do you think could change?”
Different answers might sound like: One may not want to move far from family, and the other knows they want to move eventually.
Follow-up: “What will we do if one of us changes how we feel about something?”

2. Money and Work

There are many things to discuss when talking about money, from paying bills to how much you spend. Everyone is different on this subject due to life experiences and situations. Oklahoma State University Extension has an article called “Couples and Money: Let’s Talk About It.” Here are some questions to help you and your partner discuss money.

5. What debts, savings, or financial responsibilities should we discuss?
Try saying: “I want us to know about each other’s financial situation with no judgment. What do you want us to know about?”
Different answers might sound like: Student loans may be one. Helping out family or how much they have saved.
Follow-up: “What information will allow us to not be surprised when planning?”

6. How would you like us to manage shared expenses and personal spending?
Try saying: “Before we start sharing aspects of our lives, how do you want us to handle money?”
Different answers might sound like: One person may want to put all of our money together. The other may want to pay bills together and have separate checking accounts.
Follow-up: “Why do you feel that way? Is there something that can help us both?”

7. How do you decide when a purchase is too expensive?
Try saying: “When shopping, what makes you stop and think if you should buy something?”
Different answers might sound like: They may want to talk about anything over a certain dollar amount. You may want to have a certain amount you can spend each month.
Follow-up: “Can we come up with a number we are both okay with spending?”

8. How should we handle career changes, job loss, or a move for work?
Try saying: “If we were to move for a job or lose our jobs, how would you want to handle that?”
Different answers might sound like: One person may not mind moving for a job. You may want to stay close to family.
Follow-up: “What would we want to consider if that happened?”

3. Children and Family Life

There are many questions to ask when talking about kids. Maybe you want to have kids, and they aren’t sure or have fears. Learn about those. Also, talk to your partner about their family members. Here are some tips to help navigate your family expectations from Utah State University.

9. Do you want children? If so, what hopes or concerns do you have about parenting?
Try saying: “I want to know more about what you feel when thinking about kids.”
Different answers might sound like: They may be excited to have kids soon. You may not want to have them just yet.
Follow-up: “”How can we both learn more about what you want?”

10. What would we do if we had trouble having children or changed our minds?
Try saying: “It can be hard to discuss, but what if we couldn’t have kids or didn’t want to anymore?”
Different answers might sound like: One person may be fine with adoption or IVF. You may not know if you want that.
Follow-up: “What do we want to research or know about if that happens?”

11. How involved do you want our families to be in our daily lives and decisions?
Try saying: “I love my family and want us to decide what we want to tell them.”
Different answers might sound like: They may enjoy having family involved. You may want to keep things private.
Follow-up: “What can we tell our family if they don’t respect our boundaries?”

12. How should we handle holidays, family visits, or caring for relatives?
Try saying: “How do you want us to give time to our families?”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe they want to see their family every holiday, and you want to see yours half the time.
Follow-up: “How can we work with our limitations?”

4. Communication and Conflict

Just because you argue doesn’t mean your relationship isn’t healthy. How you handle your arguments and can communicate with each other is what’s important. For more practical language, see our guide on how to communicate better in a relationship.

13. What helps you feel heard when we disagree?
Try saying: “What can I do when we disagree to help you know I’m listening?”
Different answers might sound like: They may want you to repeat what they said. You may want them to ask you questions.
Follow-up: “Do you want me to listen, ask questions, or find a solution?”

14. What do you need when you’re upset?
Try saying: “What do you want me to do when you are upset?”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe they want you to comfort them. You want some time.
Follow-up: “How can we help each other if we need different things?”

15. How do you prefer to apologize and make things right?
Try saying: “If one of us hurt the other, how do you want us to apologize?”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe one likes to hear we were wrong. You want them to change their behavior.
Follow-up: “How can we know that we know why they were hurt and not just our reason?”

16. What should we do if the same disagreement keeps coming up?
Try saying: “I don’t want us to have the same fight over and over. How can we fix that?”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe one wants to set a time to talk about it again. The other may want to go to counseling.
Follow-up: “Should we try to meet at a certain time to talk or get help from someone else?”

5. Household Responsibilities and Daily Life

There are many things that go into having a household. Some things may seem simple, but one person may feel like they are doing more than the other. Discuss these things with your partner.

17. How should we divide chores and other household responsibilities?
Try saying: “I want us to create a system for our house that we both are happy with.”
Different answers might sound like: They may want to make a list and split it evenly each week. You may want to do what you have time to do.
Follow-up: “How will we know if this isn’t working for us?”

18. How can we support each other through illness, stress, or a difficult season?
Try saying: “If one of us is going through a hard time, what can the other do?”
Different answers might sound like: One may want you to make them food or do their errands. You may want them to just sit with you.
Follow-up: “How can we know what to do for each other when we are struggling?”

6. Affection, Intimacy, and Support

When discussing intimacy, there are many things that you should know about your partner. These questions will help you and your partner understand one another.

19. What helps you feel loved and emotionally close?
Try saying: “What can I do to make you feel close to me?”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe they like when we spend time together. You feel close when they say sweet things or do nice things for you.
Follow-up: “What are some things we can both do to feel closer to each other?”

20. What do you want us to know about each other’s needs around affection and intimacy?
Try saying: “I want us to be open about what we both like and don’t like when it comes to being intimate.”
Different answers might sound like: Maybe they enjoy cuddling and sex often. You may not be as comfortable and want to ask each other before we do something.
Follow-up: “How can we continue to communicate with each other about this?”

How to Use These Questions

Pick 2-3 questions that you can go over together. This could be while you’re out walking or maybe sitting down for a meal if you both aren’t busy. Let each other know that they can stop if they’d like. Just don’t use this as an excuse to never go back to the conversation. Have a date when you can continue.

Listen to hear what the other person is saying, not to come up with your response. You can always ask, “Help me understand what that means?” or “I heard you say…” When your responses may be different, try to understand each other’s viewpoint first.

You can also write down things you may want to check in on in the future. Maybe you think differently about kids now than you will when you have them, or you think differently about how to spend your money. Checking in doesn’t mean you didn’t come up with a game plan; it means you are being attentive to your partner.

If you find that a conversation isn’t flowing or there’s too much emotion, you can see a premarital counselor. The American Psychological Association has an article that covers what some counselors address when meeting with couples, from finances to in-laws, sex, and how you fight. Counseling will not ensure that something will happen, but it is something you can do.

Conclusion: Keep Asking Questions Before Marriage

These are questions to ask your partner before you get married. But remember that they are not only things you ask once. As your relationship develops, you can continue to ask these questions. You won’t have all the answers right away, and that’s okay. What’s important is that you are communicating with each other.

Don’t view these questions as something that will determine if you’re compatible with each other. Ask yourself and your partner what kind of relationship you want, and then ask the necessary questions. We hope that you take these questions to heart and continue to communicate with your partner.

FAQs

How soon should you start talking about expectations when getting married?

As soon as you’re comfortable talking to your significant other about a future together. Then continue to check in with each other as you learn more about each other. You may want to give yourself some time to ask more questions if something comes up.

What should you ask your partner before marriage?

Some things you may want to know about each other include values, what you want out of life, money and careers, having kids, and what your families will look like. How you handle conflict, who will do chores at home, how you express love and affection, and how supportive you will be to each other.

It’s okay if you don’t agree on some of these questions.

Yes, there are some things that you and your partner may want to do differently. As long as you’re able to talk about what your answer means and if you can compromise, then you’re doing great. Don’t shy away from these big questions if something doesn’t sit well with you.

Should you go to premarital counseling?

Premarital counseling can help you learn how to talk about certain topics with a third party. Having someone who knows what questions to ask and how to guide a conversation can be very helpful. The article we linked above is from the American Psychological Association and outlines what counselors do when working with couples. Keep in mind there is no sure way that counseling will give you desired results.

Here is great relationship resource you may want to check out:
Check out Relationship Rewrite Method.
Affiliate disclosure: I may earn a commission if you purchase through this link.