Communication in Marriage: How to Talk, Listen, and Work Through Conflict
There will always be differences when you are married to someone. Some things your spouse will do that you may not understand. They could have different habits, expectations from home life and family, or ways they deal with stressful situations. Maybe one wants to talk about something as soon as they feel upset about it, and your spouse needs a little time. You both love your relationship.
It doesn’t take one magical sentence to resolve all arguments. If you communicate with your partner and allow each other to state their point of view, make sure you understand what they said and ask what you can do. That will help with many situations that arise in your marriage, whether it’s cleaning around the house, finances, or even talking to family members about something.
Use these examples and scripts as a guideline. Speak how you would normally speak to your partner. It’s not about winning an argument; it’s about knowing what to do in the situation at hand.
For me, good communication in marriage doesn’t require completely articulate words, but rather the space for both participants to be honest: a gentle inquiry or compassionate attempt to listen to the other, even if it can’t settle the fight immediately.
Key Takeaways
- Describe the situation, how it made you feel, and what you want going forward. Do not assume what your partner was thinking or trying to do.
- Have the conversation at an appropriate time and stick to one topic. If you or your partner need a break, discuss when you will revisit the topic.
- Be specific when asking for something or coming to an agreement. This is important for chores, finances, kids, and any family decisions.
- Hear what your partner is saying. Paraphrase what you heard and fix things if you were mean or interrupted them.
- These communication techniques can help in day-to-day issues. However, if there is fear, threatening, or intimidation, then help should be sought.
Why communication in marriage can feel complicated
Sometimes the topic you’re discussing may be bigger than you realize. Maybe your partner came home late from work and now you’re talking about them not being reliable. Or they didn’t do a chore that you asked them to do and it’s become about the mental load. There may be many things you and your partner can disagree on that don’t seem to have anything to do with each other.
It’s helpful to describe what happened without putting your thoughts into it. Here’s an example.
- Something happened: “Our school form wasn’t turned in by both of us.”
- What you thought it meant: “I am the only one who knows what our family needs.”
- Ask for what you want: “Can we come to an agreement on who will look through school emails each week?”
How you feel is also important to share. It gives your partner a chance to hear what you need. Maybe you can also ask your partner what that meant to them.
Start with the issue beneath the disagreement
If you continue to argue about a certain topic, try and figure out what that topic means to you and your partner. It’s possible you are arguing about chores and one wants things done evenly and the other wants to have more free time. Once you know what you and your partner want, it’s easier to come to an agreement.
| Surface issue | Possible concern beneath it | A useful opening |
|---|---|---|
| Chores keep getting left until later | Fairness, workload, or feeling unappreciated | “Can we talk about how we’re dividing the tasks?” |
| A spouse makes plans without checking first | Feeling included or having enough notice | “I want us both to have a say before we commit to plans.” |
| One person spends more than expected | Security, trust, or different priorities | “Can we agree on what purchases we discuss first?” |
| A family visit causes tension | Boundaries, time, or loyalty | “I want to make a plan that respects both our needs.” |
| A conversation turns into an argument | Feeling unheard or getting overwhelmed | “Can we slow down and work through one concern at a time?” |
These are possibilities, not diagnoses. Ask your spouse what is important to them instead of assuming.
Thinking about your relationship and how it’s going? Take a look at the Relationship Rewrite Method and see what works for you and your partner.
Choose a time and a clear topic
It’s much harder to have a deep conversation with someone when they may be in a rush. Maybe it’s too early, or they may be tired. Always ask yourself if this is a good time to talk about something serious. If it’s not, tell your partner when you would like to speak. Saying “we will talk about it later” can also be harmful.
Try:
“I need to speak to you about our weekends. Is now okay, or should we talk after dinner?”
Stay on one topic. Write down any other issues and decide if you want to bring them up later. There is only so much you can bring up at one time and still reach a conclusion.
Let your partner know what you are looking for out of the conversation. Do you want them to listen or come to a decision?
“I know we can’t fix everything, but I want us to understand each other’s frustrations and come to one solution.”
Talk about the work behind the task
Maybe it’s more than just completing a chore. Perhaps you remember to do it and let your partner know when it needs to be completed. If so, state that as well.
Instead of saying, “You never help around here,” describe the situation and make a specific request:
“I feel exhausted from having to remember what meals we need to cook and buying groceries. Would you be willing to help come up with meals and help buy groceries?”
Then come up with a plan: who is going to do what and when. What are you going to do if you change plans? Saying “Help me more” can be vague and mean different things to each person. Have a clear understanding that you can refer back to if needed.
It doesn’t have to be fair all the time. There may be circumstances where your partner has less time to complete chores. Whether it’s due to a job, illness, or something else, discuss it with your partner rather than assume they don’t see it as a problem.
Discuss money without turning it into a character judgment
Just like chores, your partner may not view finances the same as you do. They may want to save for a rainy day or spend money to make things more enjoyable. They may not be irresponsible or controlling if you disagree with how they spend money.
Start with the decision in front of you:
“There’s been some discussion about buying a new car this year. Can we sit down and figure out a monthly payment that we can both be comfortable with?”
If there’s an issue about a purchase, you can state what you’d like to see happen.
“I didn’t know you bought that. Next time, can we communicate about spending over a certain amount?”
Have an understanding of what you both need to communicate about and what your partner can do on their own. If you can’t come to a solution, ask each other what your biggest concerns are. Maybe you’re looking at things from different standpoints.
Make room for parenting and family boundaries
This can be a sensitive subject. Your partner may have grown up with different values than you or may want to do things differently with your children or family. Try to communicate what you’re trying to achieve rather than argue about who is right.
For a parenting disagreement, you might say:
“I understand we both want to help Maya out, but we seem to be contradicting each other about screen time. Can we come up with a solution and communicate it to her?”
For a family visit:
“I know you want to see your mom, but I would like some downtime that day. Can we see her earlier that day or pick a different day?”
Listen to what your partner may be trying to accomplish. It could be that they don’t want to disappoint family or throw off your kids’ schedule. Try to understand their perspective.
Once you come to a solution, make sure you both understand what needs to be done. “I’ll take care of it” can be vague, and they may not know how to go about taking care of the problem.
Listen for what your spouse wants you to understand
There’s no need to agree on everything your partner says. Listen to what they have to say long enough to gain understanding. Good listening skills such as facing your partner and eye contact may help, but that does not guarantee you know what your partner is saying.
Allow them to finish and tell them what you think they are saying.
“You seem frustrated that I made that decision without you.”
If they correct you, tell them to explain. “I’m sorry I misunderstood; could you tell me what you mean?” Restating what your partner said is not an attack or telling them you agree. It’s allowing you to gain better insight into what they’re trying to say.
The U.S. Dept. of Veterans Affairs has some good communication tips for people with Multiple Sclerosis and their partners. Give your partner your attention and allow them to finish what they are saying. Though these tips were designed for MS patients and their partners, they can help with any type of conversation. Read the VA’s communication guidance for partners.
You can also ask:
“Would you like me to listen, help think through a solution, or do something specific?”
That question can help when your spouse shares a stressful experience. Advice may be welcome, but it may not be what they need at that moment.
Communicate when daily stress is high
Sometimes when you’re stressed about your day, it’s hard to listen to your partner. Maybe you’re busy with a lot on your mind. Don’t feel like you have to solve all your problems at once. Tell your partner you’re overwhelmed and see if there’s something they can help with.
For example:
“I’m really busy today; can we sit down and see what we need to get done and what we can push back until tomorrow?”
Ask your partner if they need to vent or if there’s something you can do to help. If there’s something you need help with, ask your partner. Maybe have a conversation each day to see what each of you is worried about.
Handle a heated disagreement with a clear return time
There are times when you or your partner will get overly emotional to listen effectively. Taking a time out can be beneficial. Make sure that you aren’t using it to punish or intimidate your partner or just run away from them. Inform your partner that you would like to return and give a time:
“I would like to resolve this. I’m currently too emotional to listen to you. Can we take a time out and speak at 8:00?”
Once you’ve taken your time out, walk away from the conflict. Find something that will allow you to calm down and not think of ways to better argue your point against your partner. Once your time out is over, start back with the original subject. If you need more time, tell your partner and give them a time to come back.
During a difficult conversation, it can help to set ground rules, listen to understand, and pause if emotions rise. The U.S. Department of Veterans Affairs offers more tips in its guide to handling conflict constructively.
Taking a time out will not solve all of your disagreements. It will allow each person to have an opportunity to speak and hear each other out without adding fuel to the fire.
Repair the conversation when something goes wrong
No matter how hard you try, your partner will sometimes talk over you, be mean, or not understand you. Repairing your conversation means trying to fix your dialogue from going any further and returning to your problem at hand.
Some things you can say are:
- “Sorry I talked over you. Please continue.”
- “I was too harsh with that statement. Let me rephrase.”
- “I understand how that could sound disrespectful. I want to hear your side.”
- “We are getting off topic. Can we focus on our problem?”
- “I don’t agree with you yet, but I want to hear what you have to say.”
Apologizing is also a good way to repair. Apologize for what you did and how it made your partner feel. Don’t say, “But you did this.”
“I got loud when you were trying to tell me your side. I am sorry; I will try to slow down and allow you to finish.”
Always remember that an apology is just that: an apology. If your partner continues to bring this up in the future, discuss with them what you can both do to fix the problem.
Build a short check-in into your routine
It’s never too early to communicate with your partner. Allowing yourselves to check in will open the lines of communication and allow your partner to voice any problems before they become resentment. Check-ins can be as short as you want. Just allow both of you time to focus on each other. You can ask these questions:
- What went well in our week?
- Was there anything that I did to make you feel cared for?
- Is there anything practical we need to worry about this week?
- Is there anything you’d like to talk about that we should schedule time for?
- What can we each hold ourselves accountable for this week?
Don’t overdo it. Remember, this isn’t the time to tell your partner everything they’re doing wrong or expect an answer to a tough question. If it calls for more conversation, set a time.
You can tell your partner:
“How about we do a check-in for the next few weeks on Sunday nights? I would like us to have a chance to speak about our week.”
If your partner doesn’t like the time, pick a different time that works for both of you. The goal is to benefit you both.
When communication tips are not enough
No communication tip will force your partner to communicate with you. If you are constantly arguing about the same things or you are not able to speak about certain topics, it may be time to look into marriage counseling. A professional counselor can help you both identify what the problem is and give you tools to communicate. There is no reason to wait until your marriage is failing to get help.
If your partner makes you feel unsafe in any way, it is not advisable to go into joint counseling. If you believe you are in danger, please contact the U.S. Department of Justice for more information about Domestic Violence. If you are in the U.S. and feel like you are in imminent danger, please call 911.
I think asking for help is a way to honor the relationship, not terminate it, simply to recognize there’s a familiar pattern: to go back to a challenging situation, to ask for one thing. Sometimes it’s as simple as taking a small step.
Frequently Asked Questions
How can couples improve communication in marriage when dealing with daily stress?
Allow yourself time to check in with your partner, especially when you are busy with work/kids/chores. Ask each other what is on your mind and how the other can help you. “I feel overwhelmed today; can you listen to me, and then we can figure out what we need to get done.” Schedule time to talk about bigger issues and work on one solution.
When should a couple seek professional marriage counseling for communication issues?
If you are constantly fighting about the same things, or you can’t seem to get through to your partner about certain topics, it may be time to get counseling. A professional can help you learn how to communicate with each other. If you feel like your partner is being abusive to you in any shape or form, please reach out to the resources listed above.
How can spouses start a difficult conversation?
Allow both of you time to sit down and discuss your problem at hand. Tell your partner what you would like to talk about. Do you want them to listen? Help you make a decision? Or come up with a solution?
What can couples do when a disagreement gets heated?
Take a time out if either party is too emotional to hear what the other is saying. Allow yourselves to cool down and come back to your problem. Listen to each other’s sides.
How can spouses discuss household responsibilities?
Discuss chores with your partner, not only what you want them to do but what you can do to help them remember. You can make a chore list or remind each other of what needs to be done. Make sure to communicate what you expect from each other.
What is a useful way to listen during a disagreement?
Listen to your partner and repeat what they said to you. Ask if you understood what they had to say. Active listening doesn’t mean you agree with everything your partner says.
A simple plan for your next conversation
Take one problem you want to discuss with your partner. Write down what happened and how it made you feel. What do you want to ask of your partner? Allow yourself time to sit down with your partner. Ask them how they see the problem. Come to a conclusion that you both can agree on.
You don’t have to resolve all of your problems with your partner in one conversation. Here are some more tips on how to communicate better with your partner and what to say. How To Improve Communication In A Relationship will show you how to slow down and ask if you understood your partner.
Next time you need to talk to your partner about something, try these communication tips. Ask a question and listen to your partner. Or ask them to do something for you. Communication will allow you to both learn what your needs are and come up with solutions.
Here’s a tip I can give you.
Check out the Relationship Rewrite Method. I think its worth learning more about to help with your relationships. Affiliate link below if you purchase through my link I will receive a commission.
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