How Often Should Couples Text? Find a Rhythm That Works for Both of You

How often should couples text? There is no set number of times your partner should text you. Some couples text each other many times throughout the day, while others may text only once or twice and talk later. Both approaches can be perfectly fine.

You may feel anxious about how much your partner texts you and what that means. Perhaps you worry they don’t want to hear from you as much, and when they stop texting, you might start to question why.

Try to understand each other’s expectations regarding texting frequency, based on how you spend your days and how you communicate. There should always be a healthy amount of texting between you and your partner.

A note for you: If you’re wondering whether your texting habits are “normal,” you’re not alone. You don’t have to solve every question by watching the clock or counting messages. A calm conversation can tell you more than a number ever could.

Key takeaways

• There isn’t a number of texts you should be sending per day that has been proven to be right for all couples.
• You could both go about things differently, and neither of you is doing anything wrong.
• There are many reasons why someone may not text as often as you. Maybe they work more or live far away, etc.
• Communicate what you want, and don’t play games with one another.
• Just because someone takes longer to text back does not mean they don’t care about your relationship.
• If you’re always talking, then great; just make sure it’s not out of obligation.

So, how often should couples text?

Text your partner as often as you think is beneficial for your relationship. You can send each other quick texts during the day or text each other between dates. If you are in a long-distance relationship, you may want to text your partner more often.

Everyone’s situation is different. You may see your partner most nights, so there isn’t as much to talk about over text. Your partner may like to text you little things throughout their day, and you may prefer to keep your phone away from you while at work.

“Texts per day” also doesn’t give enough information about the situation. If you sent your partner one text saying, “Hope your meeting went well,” that may seem nice. But if you sent them 10 messages wondering why they haven’t responded, that doesn’t seem nice.

Don’t try to use a “rule” for how many times a day to text your partner as a universal standard for all couples. There may be benefits to that advice, but it won’t know what works for you and your relationship.

What does research say about texting between partners?

There are no studies that can tell you how many times you should text your partner per day. There are some studies that relate to how couples text one another and the situations they are in.

The American Psychological Association reported on a survey that interviewed 205 participants ranging from ages 18-29. These participants were in a relationship and found that if their partner had a similar texting style to them, they were more satisfied with their relationship. They weren’t looking at how many times you should text your partner per day, just whether your partner texted like you. Because this study asked the participants what they thought, there is no evidence that if you and your partner text alike, you will be happier.

A study interviewed 647 emerging adults who were in a relationship or dating. When looking at those in a long-distance relationship, they found that they were happier if they texted each other more often and responded to messages quicker. This wasn’t seen in those who lived near each other.

Again, these studies can give you some insight but don’t say that you need to text your partner nonstop or respond to your partner’s texts within a certain amount of time. If anything, you should understand your partner’s habits when it comes to texting.

Read the APA’s summary of research on texting and relationships and the 2021 study on texting in long-distance relationships.

Why texting habits can differ

There are many reasons someone may prefer to text over talking or spending time in person. Some may enjoy the quick interactions texting provides, while others may prefer a phone call or in-person interaction. This doesn’t mean they are uncaring or overly clingy.

Some reasons for differing texting habits:

• Life: Life can get busy with jobs, children, and errands, requiring people to respond later.
• Smartphone usage: Some love to text frequently, while others may check their phone only once or twice a day.
• Personal space: Individuals may not want to send or receive messages about their personal life at work or around their kids.
• New Relationship: They may not yet know how often they want to communicate with you.
• Living Far Away: Texting can allow them to communicate with you throughout their day.
• Comfortable: One person might enjoy the assurance of messaging each other throughout the day; another might not.

So, just because someone has different habits than you doesn’t mean they are doing something wrong. You can always express what you enjoy and ask what they enjoy, without presenting your way as the “right” way.

Does every healthy couple text every day?

Not necessarily. Some couples love to text each other every day. If you’re busy with life and see your partner often, you may not have time to text daily. Just because they don’t text you every day does not mean the relationship isn’t healthy.

Ask yourself these questions instead:

• Do we communicate in a way that makes us happy?
• Can we discuss this without getting angry or blaming?
• Do we understand each other’s schedules and time away?
• Will we message each other when we said we would?
• Can we be understanding if changes occur in our schedule?

If you enjoy speaking to your partner every day, ask them. They can let you know if that is something they are comfortable with. Maybe you can establish a habit to text each other every night. Or maybe you’ll find that you both have different wants. Asking them will give you more answers than wondering what they are thinking.

What about long-distance couples?

If you are in a long-distance relationship, you may enjoy texting your partner to feel a part of their day. It could be a simple text to say good morning or ask how their day is going, or even setting up time to talk later. As stated earlier in the article, studies show a correlation of happier relationships when texting is done daily with prompt replies. This doesn’t mean you have to text your partner 24/7 if you’re long-distance.

Think about what you enjoy when communicating with your partner that allows you to feel close to them. It may be a text when you wake up or talking on the phone at night, or perhaps sending pictures or updates when something fun happens. They may like fewer texts and enjoy talking to you when they finish their day.

Some things to consider when discussing texting with your partner:

• How often are you able to text?
• Do you like to text or speak on the phone?
• What can we do if life gets busy?
• What makes you feel close to me when we text?
• Is there ever a time we shouldn’t be using our phones?

How to talk about different texting expectations

If they are not in line with each other, speak to them about it when you are both calm. If you start this topic when you are frustrated about a slow response, it’s not going to help either side.

You can tell your partner something like:

“I like hearing from you during the day, but I know we may have different texting habits. What kind of check-ins feel good to you?”

Or:

“I’m not always able to reply while I’m working. I still care about staying connected. Could we find a time to catch up later?”

There should be give and take with a productive discussion. Tell your partner what you like or want out of your relationship, then ask what they think. You are not trying to tell them your way is better than theirs; it’s just to find common ground.

Common ground can be as simple as texting when things change, letting each other know if you are busy, or speaking on the phone instead of texting through an argument. There is no right amount.

If texting is one of many needs that you have to talk about regarding space or privacy, you may also enjoy our article on how to set boundaries in a relationship.

A few scripts for common situations

If you’d like more check-ins:

“I feel closer when we share a little about our day. Would you be open to checking in once when you have a break?”

If you can’t text much at work:

“I’m usually focused on work during the day, so I may not reply right away. I’d like to talk when I’m free this evening.”

If you want to agree on a long-distance routine:

“Could we plan a call a few evenings each week and text when something comes up? We can adjust if it doesn’t feel right.”

If you’re unsure what a change means:

“I’ve noticed we’ve been texting less. I don’t want to assume why. Has anything changed for you, or have we just had busy weeks?”

If texting is making a disagreement worse:

“I want to understand what you mean, but I’m finding it hard to work this out by text. Could we talk later when we both have time?”

These are opening points, not magic words. Change them so they sound like you. Your partner may see the situation differently, and you can listen without giving up your own needs.

What if they take a long time to reply?

There could be many reasons why someone responds slowly. They could be at work, driving, sleeping, with family, or just not near their phone. There’s only so much you can gather from someone taking a while to respond to you once.

If it’s something you want to bring up, look at the whole picture and that’s where you should focus. You can always ask them if they can let you know when they won’t be available if you’re seeing each other. That’s better than sending them multiple messages to see if they will respond.

But remember, you can also pay attention to how you feel in a relationship. Maybe you’re feeling like you’re not important or you can’t communicate with them about certain things. Try to look at the relationship as a whole and not just at when they last texted you.

When texting starts to feel like pressure

While texts can help build intimacy, you’re not going to be on your phone at all times with your significant other. Your significant other may need time as well. So don’t worry if you’re not always available to them.

Studies have been done on phone usage between couples, known as technoference. Researchers looked at couples who had phone interruptions during time spent together. Both partners completed surveys for 14 days in a row. When they felt as though technology interrupted them more, they reported more arguments about technology and less time interacting face-to-face. These studies were based on technology interrupting their time, not sending sweet texts.

If either or both of you feel like you have to respond right away, talk about what is considered an emergency and what times you can typically get back to someone. Another option is to put phones away while eating or speaking with each other. It’s important to have these agreements together and not be watching your partners.

If your partner is texting to manipulate you or keep tabs on you, this may be more than a texting issue. Reach out to someone or your local helpline. Make sure you’re safe.

Want more support with your relationship? I recommend exploring the Relationship Rewrite Method. You can review the details and decide whether it’s right for you.
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FAQ

How often do couples text each other a day?

It’s hard to say a definite amount of texts per day. It depends on the couple. Some will text constantly, and others may only text a couple of times or prefer talking on the phone/in person.

Is it normal if we don’t text as much?

Yes. Every couple is different. It’s okay if that’s how you guys roll. If it bothers you, try talking to your partner.

Do you have to text your girlfriend every day?

Not necessarily. Some people enjoy texting every day. Talk to your partner about what makes them happy and how they feel about texting.

How often should you text in a long-distance relationship?

Everyone is different. You can text to let your significant other know what you’re doing throughout the day. Studies show that couples who text have higher satisfaction with their long-distance relationship. There is no amount you have to text each other. Maybe schedule a call once or twice a week.

Does texting less mean my partner is losing interest?

No, it could mean many things. If you’re concerned, just ask them and see what else they may be doing in your relationship.

Is it bad that I want my boyfriend to text me more?

No, you’re not crazy for wanting your boyfriend to text you. They just may not want to text as much as you do. Communicate with your partner about how you feel about texting. See if you’re able to come to an understanding.

Final Thoughts

As you can see, there is no answer to how often you should text your significant other. Find a middle ground that works for both of you.

You can love your significant other and want them to text you. They can love you and want to spend less time on their phone. Just open up and communicate with each other.

One last note: There’s no need to reply right away to show someone that you care about them, just like how wanting to talk more to someone isn’t overbearing. As long as you can communicate with each other about what makes you feel close and try to meet in the middle, with everyone’s needs and life in mind. Hopefully, after reading this, you won’t feel so pressured to keep track of your conversations and know that it’s okay to ask for more if that’s what you and your partner need.

I hope this gives you a little more room to stop counting texts and talk about the kind of connection that feels right for both of you.