Relationship Anxiety: What It Is, Why It Happens, and What Can Help

Relationship anxiety: Many use this term when they are anxious or worried about their relationship. Maybe you think your partner will stop caring for you, or maybe you don’t know where you stand with each other. Perhaps you always need reassurance.

While it’s helpful to describe how you may be feeling, relationship anxiety is not a mental illness in itself. There could be many reasons why you feel anxious about your relationship. It could be due to previous events, your current relationship dynamics, or stress from other areas of your life. Many factors can cause anxiety in a relationship, and understanding them is the first step.

Below, we will cover what most people refer to as relationship anxiety. We will also look into what science has to say about our attachments and relationships, as well as things you can do to overcome your anxiety. We are not able to diagnose what may be going on in your relationship. If you continue to feel distressed, please seek help from a mental health professional.

I want to say this clearly: I think it’s important to know that being anxious about your relationship doesn’t mean you’re crazy or high-maintenance. It’s just a feeling that can mean many things. Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s all your thoughts can be based on.

What Is Relationship Anxiety?

Relationship anxiety can be used to describe someone who may have feelings of fear, concern, or uneasiness about their relationship with another individual. Maybe they worry about being rejected by their significant other, or not feeling as if their partner cares as much as they do. They might always seek reassurance that their partner isn’t angry at them.

These are just some things that could cause someone to be anxious about their relationship. There is no such thing as being “too anxious” about a relationship. Someone may experience anxiety about their relationship, and once their mind is eased, they no longer have those feelings. Others may continue to have these thoughts.

Something else to consider is the difference between relationship anxiety and attachment anxiety. Attachment anxiety is a term researchers use to define someone’s fear of rejection or abandonment, or that their partner will not be there for them. Researchers have studied how attachment anxiety can affect people in their relationships. It’s not something that can diagnose someone and say, “this is what you’re feeling.”

It’s also not an anxiety disorder. For example, the National Institute of Mental Health describes generalized anxiety disorder as excessive worry about a range of things. A clinician can assess symptoms and consider whether they meet the criteria for a mental health condition. An online article or quiz cannot do that.

What Can Cause Relationship Anxiety?

There are many things that can trigger it, whether it’s a past relationship, something that has changed in your current one, or not trusting your partner. There are so many reasons why someone may become anxious. You may know what caused the anxiety, or it can just slowly grow or come from nowhere.

Maybe something has happened in your relationship that made you ask certain questions: relocating, life changes, arguments, or not knowing what your future holds. If your significant other enjoys having more space than you do, or vice versa, you may feel anxious while they don’t. Communication can solve some of these problems, but it doesn’t always mean that both people will want the same thing.

If you have been cheated on in the past or left, it could cause anxiety in your current relationship. It could be due to your past and not your current partner’s fault. But just because you’ve been hurt in the past doesn’t mean your partner’s actions shouldn’t be considered.

Studies have shown that those with insecure attachments are more likely to be dissatisfied with their relationships. After analyzing 132 studies, Candel and Turliuc did a meta-analysis in 2019. On average, those who had anxious attachment or avoidant attachment were more likely to report lower relationship satisfaction. Another meta-analysis was conducted by Li and Chan, who analyzed 73 studies that consisted of 21,602 participants. They also showed a correlation between insecure attachment and relationship quality.

Keep in mind that these are studies done on many people. They aren’t saying that attachment anxiety will cause you to have problems in your relationship, or that it explains all reasons for your anxiety or will determine what will happen with your relationship.

You can also ask yourself if your anxiety is justified. Maybe your partner cancels on you a lot or never communicates with you. You may have anxiety that you can’t control. Just because you may have anxiety around your relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take into account your partner’s behavior.

Take time to process your thoughts about your relationship before speaking to your partner.

How to Deal With Relationship Anxiety

So how can you deal with relationship anxiety? By becoming aware of your thoughts and not beating yourself up. You are not going to fix your problem by telling yourself your anxiety isn’t real. Become aware of what is making you feel this way, and then take action from there.

Notice what happened before the worry began

Once you become anxious about something, take time to think about what happened. Did you argue with your partner? Maybe your plans changed or you saw your partner text someone. By recognizing what triggered you, you can separate facts from your fears.

“My partner hasn’t texted me back in hours” is a fact. “My partner doesn’t care about me” is something you may be afraid is true. Don’t force yourself to think of the positive. Remind yourself that you don’t know what is going on.

Name the concern clearly

Once you know what is causing you to feel this way, figure out what you want to ask your partner. What would you like to know, or what change do you want to ask your partner to make? Having a good way to open up to your partner can help.

“I feel like I don’t know where I stand in our relationship and would like to discuss our expectations,” or “I feel anxious when my partner cancels on me last minute. Can we speak about this?” These are just examples of what you could say to your partner, not what you should say. Speak in a way that feels comfortable to you.

Check out how to communicate with your partner, read how to communicate better in a relationship. And if you are looking for what is acceptable and what isn’t in a relationship, the guide to setting boundaries in a relationship may also be useful.

Ask your partner instead of playing games.

You may feel the urge to play games when you feel anxious about your relationship, waiting to text your partner back to see if they’ll notice, or asking the same question multiple times hoping they’ll answer differently. While I understand why you may want to do these things, it probably won’t help you.

Ask your partner when you feel comfortable. “I noticed that we haven’t been spending as much time together. Are you pulling away or has life just been busy?” Your partner can let you know if something is going on or not. And hopefully their words align with their actions.

Speak to your partner about what may be reassuring you.

Is Reassuring Yourself Helpful?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be reassured by your partner. However, if you continue to need reassurance, it may be something else. Maybe there is something you both haven’t talked about, or you are unable to accept not knowing.

Next time you ask your partner for reassurance, take note of how you feel. Do you feel more informed, or does it just calm you down temporarily? This isn’t to blame yourself, but maybe you need more than just reassurance.

Don’t Give Up On The Good Parts Of Your Life.

While your relationship may be important to you, there are other things in life that can help you feel happy. Have hobbies and continue to do the things that you enjoy. This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk to your partner about your concerns.

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that practicing self-care can help you stay mentally healthy. Self-care is not going to cure your relationship anxiety, but here are some tips on staying independent in a relationship.

If your anxiety comes from your partner not texting you, here is our article on how much couples should text each other. Your partner may just not like texting as much as you do, so don’t jump to conclusions on how much they care.

An Optional Relationship Resource

Here is a relationship resource I think can help you. If you purchase through my link, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.

How to Overcome Relationship Anxiety

There is no sure way to overcome relationship anxiety. Trying to never feel anxious about your relationship is probably not going to work. Everyone will feel anxious about something at some point. Learn what you are anxious about and learn how to control your thoughts.

Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” and “What do I know?” This will allow you to accept that you are feeling something and take a closer look at what is happening. If you are noticing patterns that are bothering you, you can figure out what you want to do about it. If you continue to feel anxious about your relationship, even if you know what is going on, it may be beneficial to speak with a mental health professional.

Another tip is to focus on what you can control. You can control when you talk to your partner and if you want to seek help. You can’t control your partner’s reaction or if they want to be in a relationship with you. Learning what you can control and what you can’t is hard, but it can allow you to focus on what you can do.

Speaking to a mental health professional can also help you. They can help you identify what you are anxious about and help you find ways to manage it. You don’t have to think your problem is your attachment style before seeking help.

How Long Does Relationship Anxiety Last?

No one can tell you how long you will be anxious about your relationship. It depends on what is causing you to be anxious and if it will resolve. If your anxiety is about something that is currently happening in your relationship, once you gain more information, you may stop being anxious about it.

Don’t put a timeline on how long you should be anxious. If you have been feeling anxious for x amount of days/weeks, that doesn’t mean anything. You don’t have to be anxious about your relationship for a certain amount of time before speaking to someone.

Just be aware of how your anxiety is impacting your life. Is it affecting your daily life? Sleep? Work? Relationships? If so, it may be worth speaking to someone.

When to Seek Professional Help

If your anxiety is constant, or you are distressed by your worry or unable to cope with your anxiety, then you may want to reach out to a professional. They will be able to ask you questions and evaluate your symptoms and possibly come to the conclusion that something else may be contributing to your anxiety. You do not need to know what you may have before seeking help.

A professional can help you navigate through any relationship issues you may be experiencing. It does not have to be all on you or your partner. You can discuss what may have happened and how you have been reacting to your situation and what options may be best for you. If you do not know where to begin, you can ask your doctor for a referral or search for mental health professionals near you.

If you feel threatened by your relationship, you should seek help. Do not try to resolve this through talking to your partner if you feel unsafe. Reach out to someone who can help you through your situation. Talking to your partner or seeing a counselor may not be beneficial if you are in an abusive or scary situation.

If you live in the US, you can call or text 988. Call 911 if you are in danger of losing your life or if someone is in danger.In the United States, call or text 988 for crisis support. Call 911 if someone is in immediate danger or facing a life-threatening emergency.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is relationship anxiety considered an anxiety disorder?

There are many people who may experience what they call “relationship anxiety.” It is not a disorder in itself. However, there may be something that you are experiencing that a professional can help you identify.

Can you be anxious in a healthy relationship?

You can experience anxiety in a relationship that may not seem unhealthy. Just because you have anxiety does not mean that your relationship is unhealthy. Look at your partner and how your relationship may be playing into your anxiety.

Is relationship anxiety and anxious attachment the same thing?

They are similar but not the same. As mentioned above, relationship anxiety is a term that people use to explain their anxiety surrounding their relationship. Anxious attachment is something that researchers have studied. You can experience both, and they may play off one another.

Will my relationship anxiety go away?

It could if you gain an understanding of what is causing your anxiety. It could also change depending on your circumstances. There is no set outcome or timeline. If your anxiety is affecting your daily life or you are distressed, you can always speak to a professional.

How do I know when to see a therapist for relationship anxiety?

If you find that your anxiety is affecting your day-to-day life, you can always see a therapist. You do not have to wait until you are in a crisis or know what is causing your anxiety to see a therapist.

I hope that if you are feeling unsure about your relationship, you can take your time with this. You do not have to put a name to what you may be feeling. Try to be aware of your patterns and if it is safe to speak to your partner. If you need support, you can always reach out to a professional.

Conclusion

As we learned, relationship anxiety is just a term that can be used to explain your anxiety around your relationship. Be aware of your feelings and what may be causing your anxiety in your relationship. Speak to your partner if it’s safe to do so. You don’t have to ignore your feelings or assume that your relationship is bad because you have anxiety.

Here is another relationship resource you can check out:
Check out Relationship Rewrite Method.
Affiliate disclosure: I may earn a commission if you purchase through this link.